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I recently turned 30. “It’s all down hill from here” was said to me so many times. Really? What a truly awful thought. Speak for your own life people.
I look around at all my friends who are my age or slightly older/younger. Most of them have lived through their 20′s in a really epic way. Partying every weekend, travelling the world, creating their dream careers. I look back at my 20′s and I honestly, I just feel exhausted. I didn’t travel, I didn’t party… well I didn’t party much and the career I chose was that of being a mama to my beautiful babies. In this last decade I have been pregnant 6 times and I’ve given birth to 4 babies within 4 years. River and Ocea were born healthy, alive, kicking a crying. Scarlett spent the beginning of her beautiful life in the NICU, as breathing on her own proved to be impossible. 2 of my babies died within the first few weeks of pregnancy and Christian, my darling little boy, was stillborn. I have been grieving him for the last 5 1/2 years. The day he was born I must have aged a lifetime. I feel old, even ancient on some days. So when I hear someone tell me that I am 30, I think “Awesome”! I’m actually quite young. I have much to do yet in this lifetime and I feel like I’m only at the beginning still.
I feel as though I am living on a different life zone to so many of my friends. Most of them are only just starting to settle down now. Getting married, getting a house, having babies. I can’t relate to them, I guess I never really could. And that is okay. I then have my new friends. The ones who I have met because the little loves of their lives left them early. Them, I can relate too. We are ancient together. We have lived more than enough lives in just this short one. We carry our own grief and we carry each others as well. We talk, cry and laugh together. No you didn’t read that wrong, bereaved parents can laugh too you know. We are not the fulltime sad people who others may have assumed us to be.
The only thing I feel sad about turning 30 is that I am now in a different decade to the one that I physically held my son. I just never would have imagined that such a tiny little person would have such a giant impact on my heart. I mother him, everyday. Only he is not here. It is a spiritual mothering. I talk to him, whisper secrets to him, imagine him painting the sunset as I photograph it. Then as I lay my head to rest each night, I see him dancing through the stars in a little handmade fox costume that his Nan would have made for him. I parent him. I do. He feels my mothering. I know he does because he sends me his love in his own little ways. Ways that a five year old boy would.
I don’t care what anyone thinks of me. I will mother my darling Christian for the rest of my life. Call me crazy, I probably am. But it’s my birthday and I’ll mother my dead son if I want to.
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About Carly
Carly this so beautifully written and so very true. I too feel ancient, and I struggle to relate to my “old” friends. I wonder some days if I ever really did at all. It is the people that I have met, both in real life and online since we lost Will who have held my hand and walked with me through my journey of grief and now my pregnancy after our loss that I feel the most connection to. And I thank my lucky stars every day that I found them. I don’t know what type of space I would be in without their support. I think that mothering Christian is the perfect thing to do. And I can tell you at the ancient age of 37 that it isn’t all downhill…it is an amazing time in your life! Even if my 30′s have been colored by heartache and loss, I would never wish that away. It was the time that my husband and I were blessed with our two boys, one of whom wasn’t able to stay, and soon, hopefully a little brother or sister for them to love. Thank you for a beautiful post xx
The hard part is learning how to mother a child that is already passed over. you seem to have gotten that down so it’s all uphill from here. Happy Birthday!!
You’re not crazy, you’re amazing.
I turned 32 on September 10th. This year I hold my sweet boy, my “rainbow baby”, 2 weeks old.
Last year, I turned 31. My sweet girl Ruthie Lou was 33 days old. She died on that day, my birthday due to chromosomal abnormalities, we were never able to bring her home.
On my 30th birthday I learned I was pregnant for the first time, it was the greatest day of my life thus far. I lost that baby at 10weeks pregnant.
Every year now on my birthday, I mother my little girl as we share the day forever. I don’t care what anyone thinks or how they believe they would handle the death of their child. I love my sweet girl and miss her so much I will spend the rest of my life mothering her along with her siblings. They are all equally loved, they are all my children.
I feel 72 years old not 32 but I am grateful to have held my daughter for the time that I was given. I would never trade her for anything. I would never avoid this grief, it’s evidence of my love for her.
Carly, this is such a beautiful post – it’s left me speechless. As only other angel mamas can understand, it isn’t ‘weird’ or ‘morbid’ to mother our babies. It’s love. It’s natural. And it’s beautiful. xxx
This is beautiful, Carly. Happy Birthday to you! <3
Happy Birthday Carly! It is your day, your decade and your life. Continue to live it the way you want to regardless of what others may think. Keep being a fantastic mother to all your children, including Christian. Loss and grief ages us in many ways. You are talented and have so much to offer to others including your beautiful photographs and writing. We have been joined by something outsiders will never understand; the loss of a baby. This bond is stronger than any shared with friends from our lives before LOSS.
Hugs on your Birthday. Christian loves you.
Thank you for writting this article. I was reading and was so happy to know that you parent your son. I have always thought that my chance to parent my son was lost when he was stillborn, although you have opened my mind to think a different way. Thank you Carly. I hope you have enjoyed your birthday. Sandra x
Carly – your words are so beautiful and resonate with me. I too feel old and I’m only 27. I too mother my daughter and I too do not care what other people think. I believe if they have a problem with it, I don’t need people like them in my life. There’s no pain like losing a child, it is something that no matter where we go or what we do it remains with us. Thank you for making me feel ‘normal’ Your words are always so comforting x
Oh the dread of the 30th birthday. As if it weren’t bad enough to hit that “everything is downhill from here” point. I turned 30 this year, too. On Mother’s Day. Two months after our first baby, William, was born and died. I loudly proclaimed I didn’t want Mother’s Day. Or a birthday. I wanted to hide in a hole and pretend the day didn’t exist. I do feel old. They try to tell us now that 30 is the new 20. For me, 30 was the new 75.
My friend (also a babyloss mom) and I agree that we are old souls in young bodies. I keep looking in the mirror expecting wrinkles, age spots and gray hair. Its how I feel in my soul.
Thank you for sharing how you mother your sweet angel baby. Its something I haven’t learned how to do yet.
This so beautiful Carly x
Beautiful, especially this: “We are ancient together. We have lived more than enough lives in just this short one. We carry our own grief and we carry each others as well. We talk, cry and laugh together.”
Oh yes…
Carly, you are an inspiration to me. You keep right on mothering Christian and doing your beautiful work. You are a real blessing. I have been mothering my James Collins, Jr. for 37 years now, and my daughter, Reita Gale for 30 years. Both were stillborn and beautiful. I am 62 years old (ha, the ancient one!) and was 24 years old when I loss my son; 32 when I loss my daughter. When I had my children pictures were taboo. I only have my mental pictures to hold on too. When my children’s turn come up for you to write their names in the sand, I am going to frame the photos and show everyone! It will validate them at last! You are my hope!
Gale (@Fittsie)