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When my husband and I drove away from the hospital where our daughter, Eve, was stillborn, empty armed and brokenhearted, the future felt like a wide open blank. I didn’t know what to expect – other than to expect to grieve.
I knew that not only did I need to grieve, but that I wanted to. When we arrived home without our baby girl, the phrase “silent as a tomb” became all too real of a description and I wanted to crumple to the floor in the empty silence and sob.
Only I couldn’t. I didn’t know it at the time, but I was in shock. The only thing I could feel was nothing. But even that, one of the stages of normal grief, felt expected.
What I did not expect, however, was the effect that grief had on my sex drive.
A change in sexual desires is very normal after a loss. Having or not having sex helps grievers to process their sorrow. In general, women tend to desire sex less after a loss, and men tend to desire sex more.
I found myself among the minority of women who desire sex more after a loss. When Eve died, I felt completely helpless, and when I was discharged after her stillbirth with instructions not to exercise or have sex for at least six weeks, I felt even more helpless. I was restless and terrified and lonely and numb. All I wanted was to be close to my husband, and to run — and I was not allowed to do either.
On top of all these complicated and confusing (and, I must add, normal) emotions, I felt guilty. I felt ashamed of my increased desire. Shouldn’t I be shunning sex forever in the name of sorrow? And yet, my libido was raging. I was desperate for intimacy, and desperate to feel. Sex fulfilled both of those needs, if only for a little while.
If you are feeling ashamed or like an outcast because you have (or had) an increased libido after your baby’s death, I want to encourage you. You are not alone. This is normal. In their book On Grief and Grieving, Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler write:
“Sex is a part of life, so it is also a part of grief. . . . The bonding that happens in sex can be comforting [in grief] because for many people, closeness and sexuality are bound together. Sex can reaffirm a connection quickly, and when it does, it’s not about sex; it’s about the closeness that sex makes possible. . . . After you experience the loss of a loved one, a solid boundary suddenly stands before you. It feels as if you’ve hit a hard wall, and you need to find some softness in your life. Death is the breaking of a connection, while sex can be the establishing of one.”
So, knowing that both increased and decreased desire after loss are normal, how do we navigate sex when our babies have died?
When you have decreased desire
Take things slow, and keep the communication lines open with your partner/spouse. Don’t feel that you have to jump back into bed immediately if you don’t want to. If you’re not ready for intercourse but do want to start restoring intimacy, try increasing cuddles, kisses, and physical touch that is not explicitly sexual.
Know that it is okay for the sorrowful emotions of grief to show up during or after sex. Also know that you are not betraying your lost child if you are having sex, especially trying-to-conceive sex. Some parents experience confusing feelings about sex after the loss of a child because it was sex that created that child. This is also normal.
I highly recommend seeing a counselor to help you navigate grief in general, and a counselor can be especially helpful if you have fear or guilt about resuming sex.
When you have increased desire
Take things slow, and again talk clearly and openly about sex with your partner/spouse. If you are not in a committed relationship, I would be careful about having sex with many partners or with someone you don’t know very well because I personally feel that that could easily lead to further hurt on top of the already devastating wound of your baby’s death. You are vulnerable, and it is important to protect your wounded heart so that your grief can proceed as healthily as possible.
Know that you are not a “bad person” for experiencing an increased libido, that this is one of many normal responses to grief. Remember that your increased desire is probably more about intimacy and comfort than about wild and crazy pleasure. Discuss with your doctor what kinds of sexual activity are permissible (or not) after the birth of your lost child if your libido ratchets up right away. For my husband and I, since my labor and delivery were uncomplicated, my doctor said that penetration was a no-go but everything else (i.e. sexual touching/masturbation) was okay. For mothers, be careful to keep your vaginal area clean – you don’t want to have to deal with a uterine infection on top of your loss and grief.
Again, checking in with a counselor about your grief in general and about your sex life specifically can be very helpful and comforting, especially if you’re feeling concerned about whether you’re “normal” or not.
When your desire and your partner’s desire do not match
This is okay, and not unexpected. Share about how you’re feeling and what you want, and ask your partner to discuss his/her feelings and needs. Be patient – either with your partner, or with yourself. Read a book about grief and/or intimacy together to help you both to understand the other’s perspective. See if there are any compromises that you can make to help meet both sets of needs without hurting one or both of you. Once again, seeing a counselor can be a huge help when your grief experience does not match that of your partner, especially in the sensitive area of sex.
Also, remind yourself that you are not doomed for separation/divorce just because you are experiencing a lull in sexual activity or are in disagreement with your partner about sex.
Sex after your baby’s death
Regardless of the state of your libido after your baby’s death, know that once you do resume sexual activity – whether that takes days or weeks or months – it is okay for sex to feel different. You have suffered a traumatic, annihilating loss, a loss that has changed your life forever. Your baby’s death has changed the way you operate, the way you talk, and the way you see the world, so it is natural for your baby’s death to also alter the way you experience or feel about sex. This is okay. This is normal.
The first few times my husband and I had sex after our baby’s stillbirth felt strange and a bit uncomfortable for me, both emotionally and physically. For me, the intensity of my desire eased off as the shock gave way to the emotions of active grieving. Things normalized even further and now, nine months later, our sex life is healthy and natural-feeling.
Remember – there is no one “right way” to approach sex after babyloss. Just as every experience of grief is valid, so is the way you are thinking and feeling about sex. It’s not important whether you want to hop in the sack within days of your loss or if you need weeks or months – what’s important is honoring your feelings, communicating with your partner/spouse in openness and love, and not beating yourself up about what you “should” be doing. Aside from keeping yourself safe, there are no “should’s” in loss.
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About Beth
How this issue hits home. My second pregnancy was a bit of a surprise to say the least, as we never quite rediscovered our sex life with an infant in the house…so when I miscarried…we were still in a HUGE disconnect. I wanted more (or some even) and I wasn’t getting the read on what was causing my husband’s apparent disinterest. I knew it wasn’t from our loss because it predated that. But with this loss of my baby, I was fearing the loss of my husband too. So my grief was compounded. And honestly, we’re still working on it. I think we’ve finally hit the root of the problem and working through it. But it’s tough–with this loss I’m facing the strongest need to be pregnant again. Right! Now! Each cycle throws me back to my OB GYN’s office when I first learned of our loss. And it hurts so bad. So with a lack of intimacy (seriously my second pregnancy is proof that it only takes once), my grieving our baby and our relationship, I threw the impossibility of pregnancy into the mix. Talk about an emotional mess. But we’ve talked and cried and sent our baby to the grandparents’ for a night…and hopefully someday soon my grief will be less complicated and our relationship stronger than ever.
I can’t even tell you how amazing I think you are for talking about these hard issues!
WOW you are so awesome to talk about this so openly. I have to say it’s not really something I thought about too much after losing Bailey. Probably because I was in the not-interested category. I was still bleeding quite heavily even to my 6wk check up so sex was not even a thought for me. Every time I went to the bathroom I had that reminder that my body had failed me and I took it personally as my body mocking my loss. So I believe that constant reminder hindered my libido quite a bit. I do remember though, the first time was very different and very hard on many different levels but normalcy returned very quickly, thank goodness.
I was driving to work this morning wishing SOMEONE would talk about this issue. I feel like I could write a novel about the journey we’re having on this delicate issue. Throwing natural family planning and doctor’s recommendations to not conceive again for 12 months or so makes everything more challenging. Adding the fear of conception into the mix is a real mood killer for both partners. The physical discomfort and emotional anxiety surrounding intimacy makes what ought to be a natural act of mutual comfort frightening, painful and all things opposite of what it ought to be.
I am so grateful for your willingness to open this topic for discussion, and I hope to hear more on this in the future.
I want to thank you for writing about this sensitive issue. I am in the minority of women who desire sex more than usual after a baby loss, and I have wrestled with feeling guilty about enjoying myself when I should be feeling sorrow. And of course, I am feeling sorrow, unending sorrow, but I also have a deep need to be close to my husband, to be loved and held and needed. It’s a somewhat conflicted journey for us, working through our emotions and grief and trying to stay connected on an intimate level. I applaud you for bringing into the light this issue that all baby loss mamas and daddies deal with on some level.
Beth, you are so incredibly, incredibly brave and wonderful. Thank you for writing about a topic that affects us all, but is so very difficult to openly talk about. xx
I have interest in sex, especially as my placenta abrupted
After I experiences a spontanous orgasm (they were just happening
In the middle of the night). Docs said that had nothing to do
With it….. Really? So that is a horrible association that I’ll likely
Need to remedy with more therapy (for my husbands sake, I don’t
Even care). He doesn’t want to try for another pregnancy (IVF yet
Again); I do. I wonder if my subconscious wants to punish him…
Even though I don’t want to hurt him. Sex has been THE biggest
Barrier in the two of us fully integrating the loss.
I know that I had a desire for sex, I couldn’t wait to stop spotting to be able to. The first time we did I teared up because I felt a little guilt. The last time we had sex was about 10 weeks pregnant with our twins and I spot after and so my husband didn’t want to have sex again until our twins were born fearing something bad would happen. It’s been three months since we lost out son and over two since we lost our daughter. Though we were told we cannot get pregnant without the aid of IVF, I pray that we will have a little rainbow after all, all things are possible with God on my side.