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Last week we were stopped in the grocery store (again) so a complete stranger could admire her. Our rainbow, Brielle.
It happens quite frequently actually and I used to think it was just because she was a baby, and she was chubby, and she was cute. But I’m beginning to think there might be more to the story.
The comments for these admirers are usually one or more of the following:
How her eyes shine with an intensity strong and inquisitive and wise beyond her years.
How her hair shimmers and gleams, gorgeously blonde. Nothing like mine or her dad’s dark brown locks.
How her smile lights up a room.
How tall, big, and mature she is for her age.
That’s the one that gets me.
Ask anyone how old our rainbow is and they’ll likely say she’s 3.
But Brielle is just shy of 2.
The one who should be 3 is our angel, our Bella.
We went to a birthday party a few months ago. At the party we ran into a friend, a girl I went to high school with. She was one of those people who I’ve kept up with only through the wonderful world of Facebook. We were pregnant at the same time with due dates only days apart. Me with our angel Bella and her with her first daughter.
Her daughter lived. Mine died.
For a long time I had to hide her status’, pictures, and profile from my Facebook feed. I couldn’t bear to see her happy updates and photos of her growing baby. It was too much.
But now, at this birthday party almost 3 years later I was finally going to have to face her and her daughter in person. I almost had to do a double take at the party though. Because Brielle, our rainbow who was only 9 months older, was almost twice this 3 year old girl’s size. Brielle, not even 2, could easily pass for a 3 year old. She was the size that her sister should’ve been. Could’ve been.
So now today, I sit in a very strange place. September 19th is right smack dab in the middle of Bella’s angelversary (September 11th) and Brielle’s 2nd birthday (September 26th).
This is the place where grief, and mourning, and wonder intermingles with joy, and love, and celebration, and gratitude.
Sometimes I wonder if the universe gave us something extra special in Brielle to ease the hurt. A true rainbow after the storm.
Most times though, as we are approached by strangers and realizing our baby is about a year older in size, I wonder if a piece of Bella was passed on to her sister in some mysterious way we’ll never quite understand.
The piece that causes Brielle’s eyes to have that extra sparkle, her blonde hair to grow extra quick, and causes her to grow into her body 99% faster than all the other kids her age.
It’s comforting to believe that our living daughter is carrying pieces of our angel with her.
It makes Bella feel just a bit closer.
It makes this month of death and new life just a little easier to make sense of and brings peace and calm to this never ending journey of grief.
If you’re blessed with a rainbow, do you find yourself thinking about your angel(s) when you gaze into their eyes? Do you find any of these mysterious clues that your angel might be with your rainbow child in some strange way? I’d love to compare stories and hear if you’ve ever experienced anything similar.
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About Beryl
My angel Gerogie would have 3. My Katherine is 2. She was born with special needs that while not life threatening they require years of medical treatment and unknown numbers of surgery. There is a 95% chance that someday she will lead a normal life with no long term problems. In the past two years she has been through more than most adults I know. But she always has a smile, a laugh, and pure joy in her heart. I feel she has double strength sometimes. Twice the heart and twice the fight as she proves us and the doctors wrong and always does better than expected. Maybe our lost love Geroge is with her so that she doesn’t have to fight alone.
Beautiful, beautiful … yes, I do think big sister can be seen in her little sister. Such a sweet blessing.
We too were always stopped in public as strangers admired our son, our rainbow. He was such a happy baby and so easy going. He’s grown into a very smart and caring boy. I’ve always felt he had that sort of old soul about him. He’s always seemed older than his days and it made me wonder whether he was carrying a bit of his big sister in him. Bringing with her a sense of peace and understanding about things that other kids just don’t have. I often wonder as I look in his eyes if it’s not her eyes looking back at me. I can only hope.
I feel that rainbow babies all have a special way to show bits and pieces of their older siblings. My son Max, 2.5 yo, was a complete resemblance of his older brother Lucas, who would be 4 in October. My husband sometimes has a hard time telling in baby photos who is who (he is a man, but they do look like spitting images of each other). I think it was intentional, so I can see how Lucas would have looked liked while watching his little brother grow up. My third on the other hand does not look like as much alike, so there is definitely some higher power trying to bring us baby lost mams some peace and comfort.
I think that my rainbow baby, Lilly, does have some of her angel brother, Aiden, in her. After all, our siblings are the most closely related people to us. I feel that a part of my living brother and sister are in me too. I don’t think death can take that away or change it. I think Aiden would have looked a lot like Lilly, with big beautiful blue eyes, and chunky cheeks that are so very kissable.