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Guest Post by Kelly
Our praise and Worship band, One Way, was visiting a local church to share about Sufficient Grace Ministries and play some music. I told a very brief synopsis of our family’s journey through the loss of our twin daughters, Faith and Grace (stillborn in 1996 from twin-to-twin-transfusion syndrome) and our newborn son, Thomas, (born full term and died 6 hours after birth from Potter’s Syndrome). I also spoke about the current needs of our ministry. We had visited before so I didn’t add as many details as usual.
After the service, I stood by the card table displaying the Comfort Bear and other Dreams of You items we offer to families who have experienced the loss of a baby or child. Some stopped to hug me and offer a word of thanks and encouragement, as they had enjoyed our visit.
What I didn’t have time to say was that they were just as beautiful and precious, just as miraculous, as my boys living on this earth.
I was not expecting what I heard from the next lady approaching me.
“Are you ever going to try to have any normal children, do you think?”
I looked up at her without an answer. Rarely am I without words.
Pull yourself together, I thought. She didn’t mean harm, and speaks only from a lack of understanding.
I stammered, “Well…I…um…I have two living sons.”
“So, you did have normal children, then?”
I swallowed the sting again.
“Um, yes… Do you see that young man there, helping the band? The one with the glasses? That’s my oldest son. He just graduated high school. We also had a son after our losses.”
“It must have been awful for you,” she said.
Again, the sting. Does she realize she’s talking about my children?
“Well, it was very hard to lose our children, yes. But, God is able to make something beautiful out of the hard things in life, ” I replied.
They were and are my something beautiful.
What I didn’t have time to say was that they were just as beautiful and precious, just as miraculous, as my boys living on this earth. I thought of not only my own babies, but the children I’ve worked with over the years who had special needs. Obviously, in my field, we cringe at the word “normal”, although I understand what she was trying to ask.
I’ve been wondering all afternoon, what if I didn’t have other children? Her question rolled around my mind. She had asked if I thought I would ever try to have a normal child. Hadn’t I tried to have Faith, Grace, and Thomas? Had I not given my best effort, vomiting for months, laying in hospital beds, getting poked with needles that left scars that remain more than 15 years later, prayed for hours, left my bible tear stained with the pleading, labored for days? To this day, do I not carry damage to the inside and outside of my body that tells the story of one who tried to have her babies? What if I didn’t have other children? Couldn’t have other children? “Normal” children?
They were and are my something beautiful.
Today was a reminder to me, to choose my words carefully, so as not to inadvertently sting another as I was stung today. Every single life matters, as those of us who are here, writing and reading this magazine well know. Every life is precious, and valued. And, every mother who has walked through pregnancy or attempted pregnancy, longing for her child, dreaming dreams of who he or she would be, has “tried enough”.
The other thing I’m taking away from today, is what I’ve already held in my heart…
Normal is overrated. Some of my favorite people are total quirky, broken messes. Including me. I wouldn’t trade one of my kids or one nuance of our story for anything, because each of them…those in heaven and on earth…are exactly who they were created to be.
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This is a beautiful post.. There is nothing ‘normal’ about any child – they are all wonderfully unique and special. I feel sorry for the woman who wasn’t able to recognise the beauty of ALL of your children.
Thank you, Helen. You are right. All children are beautiful.
AMEN !!!!!
Amen & Amen! Each and every child is beautifully unique & precious whether they live here on earth or in heaven… What is “normal” anyway?
Thank you for sharing & reminding us that our words can have the powers of life and death; to heal or to wound and we should choose them with care!
I’m with you…what is normal anyway?! We all have our uniqueness….some of those quirks are what make us most beautiful and endearing to those we love. You are right…we do need to choose our words with care. Words are so powerful!
The extension of His hand as you rest in His grace and use it to cover others…to the point of sharing with the rest of us, so we may also take heed…I’m sorry those words were spoken, no matter how inadverdant…I don’t like it, I don’t like it at all…I want to reach into space and grab them as if they were tangible things and throw them away…I wish I could, I just do. …Aside from that, I smile…because I know you carry the knowledge of the personalities of all of your children in your heart…little quirks that are yours to know. I love that…did then, and still and always will.
Thank you, Ginny. You gave me one of the greatest gifts a friend could during those years….you “saw” my sweet babies and you appreciated their gifts. And, you saw me in the broken mess that I was, and loved me through it. So much love to you…