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“I want to take your baby from you and ask you how it feels!”
WHAT? I know, right? Yes, this is exactly how I felt in the early months after losing Matthew! I wanted to go to the hospital nursery and take ALL of the precious new babies and then go and ask their mamas how they felt!
HOW COULD I FEEL THAT? HOW COULD I EVEN ADMIT THAT?
This was a question I asked myself many times, even after I didn’t feel like this anymore! I would never take someone’s baby; much less want them to hurt the way I did. (At least, not now.) In the complexity of emotions and grief, maybe I wanted to know that there was another mother feeling like I did. Hindsight now, I believe I was looking for someone to tell me it was okay to feel like this and to validate how I was feeling in my heart.
I remember hating to see anything that was baby blue. I hated seeing a mother holding her baby boy. I hated seeing baby boys, anywhere or anytime. And I could not control my response to this either. I just felt like a monster sometimes when all I really longed to be was a mommy again. I could not understand why or how I could be like this. Irrational was a word I was all too familiar with. Irrational, probably a good word to use to describe my state of being at the time.
Seeing baby girls didn’t bother me… nor did little pink blankets make my skin crawl, but show me anything in the shade of baby blue and I was done. To be totally honest, my heart was so cold toward baby boys. If one was crying in the store I was in, I didn’t care. (Please note that before Matthew passed, if I saw ANY baby crying anywhere at any time, my heart would hurt and I would want to soothe them or help them to stop crying.) Well, at this time, the opposite was true. Are you gasping yet at me or shaking your head because you understand?
I felt like that for a very long time… 14 months to be exact… from the moment I kissed Matthew goodbye to the moment that Will was placed into my arms.
When I said goodbye to Matthew, I held him tightly to my chest and snuggled his face close to mine. I vividly remember how cold he was as I placed his cheek on mine in our final moments together. I didn’t know that 14 months later, I would hold a baby boy again… I would hold MY baby boy!
The first time I held Will, I snuggled him tightly to my chest, just like I held Matthew, and I uttered these words as tears engulfed my face, “He’s so warm!” With that same breath, all of the love came rolling back. The hardness was gone! The horrible “grief monster” that I had become went away, the mommy I dreamed of being again was back… and let me tell you, baby blue had never looked better!
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About Lori Weatherly
For what it’s worth, I didn’t gasp, I nodded in agreement. I was always the “oh, baby fell down, let me run and make sure they’re ok!” Was around a family member’s little boy and he fell down (walking, not like he was hurt or anything) and I just didn’t care. I swear, I’m in the same place you are and hope to be in the same place you are now and you weren’t being irrational. So happy to hear you have your rainbow. People like you give me hope for the future!
Hi Jessica. Thank you for not gasping at me! It’s amazing the changes we go through as we endure the pain of losing a child. We become different people whether we want to or not… it changes us. It is kind of scary when it happens and you have such crazy thoughts/ emotions… The remnants of those times are now with me as a reminder of who I once was. Sending you love tonight and I wish you much hope in your future!
Thank you for sharing. I’m going thru the same thing. After my daughter passed she was 16mons, It’s embarressing but great I have mixed feeling how I’d be. Nearly 6mons after her passing I found out I was expecting which I wasn’t wanting to be at that time i was a mess but it’s happy news. Sadden that my youngest passed and now going to welcome another baby in the family. I come to look at it as a gift that its a blessing. There are a lot of fears and concerns about the baby and havent told much people. How did you get thru this? Did you have fears too? Thank you.
Hi Aliahsa! I understand your fears and concerns with this pregnancy… I think that is pretty common, we certainly all have fears after our losses. This baby is a blessing to you and a gift and I wish that soon the hope will outweigh the fear in your life. Thank you for sharing with me today! Much hope and love!!!!
I didn’t realize how angry I would be. I never thought I’d get mad over seeing babies or pink things or even seeing cute baby pictures. It’s been a bit shocking to have those feelings but good to know that others have too.
Shannon… I never thought I would be either! Yes, I was shocked, embarrassed and even mad at myself for not being able to control such horrific thoughts. You are definitely not alone! Thank you for writing in today! XO!
Thank you for your honesty. And yes – our family understands…… my daughter has lost both girl and boy. I as their gramma have engulfed so many of your same feelings. It’s better now after 2 years, even tho no further babies. But there’s still times I “go” to the “other side” and have really tough days. Blessings on you, and I’m so glad you have Will !!
Here’s to you and your sweet family finding hope on those really tough days!!! I know the brutality of those days all too well. Thank you for sharing with me! Lots of love!
I am nodding in agreement too. I have always loved babies and never let either of my older girls cry for a second if I could help it… but since our Clara was born still in July, I cannot be around babies, particularly baby girls. If I am in a grocery store and I hear a baby crying, my instinct is to get away, run away, get far from the baby and how awful it makes me feel that I am not carrying and soothing my own 3 month old baby. I can babysit my 1-year old nephew… he’s not so much a “baby” anymore, but little tiny ones… I just can’t make myself be around them. We’re trying to conceive now, but I hope that even if we are not fortunate enough to have another baby, I can (one day) be around sweet babies again without feeling the urge to run and cry and collapse.
Oh Heather, I so understand! I am so sorry about the loss of your precious baby. It is so tough… My heart sends you much love and wishes for your future. Be kind to yourself and gracious to what you need at this time… it’s okay to feel like this and you are not alone!
I think you’re amazingly brave for putting this out there for the whole world to see. I’m sure you’re not alone with these feelings! How could you expect yourself to care about anyone else’s child after losing your boy? I imagine it was very much like “you don’t care about my son, why should I care about yours?” Grief is so confusing and complicated! I’m so happy for you that these things aren’t painful anymore AND that you have a sweet rainbow boy to help you heal.
Grief is definitely complicated, but very much a part of our lives and once I learned to accept the fact that I needed to grieve, that it was okay to feel like this and that I would get through these horrible thoughts and emotions, I knew I would be okay. Different, but okay. I am so happy to have my sweet rainbow baby too! I didn’t even know what a rainbow baby was until mine was 5 years old! (see next months article for that!!
Thank you!
Reading the first sentence..I laughed, then I cried..it’s so true.
Heather… when I wrote that first sentence, I laughed and then cried too! XO!
Not many people can understand those feelings. During my years of infertility when I saw babies I would feel wistful and sad that I was infertile, but also I loved the little babies even with all my jealousy. When I was pregnant, seeing babies gave me hope and made me smile, thinking “soon I’ll have one in my arms,” when my son was born early and in NICU, seeing babies made me sad and full of regret, “what did I do differently than them to cause my son to come too soon?” and after he died seeing babies filled me with anger, jealousy, sadness, regret. I would turn and walk the other way, I would whisper to my husband “why do they get to keep their babies? What did we do to deserve this? Why us?” and now pregnant again I just stare at the little babies and wonder “will I get to keep mine this time?” People think we are selfish, but we aren’t. We are grieving.
Hi Vee… I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing with me today. Over the years I have learned grief is so necessary. We would be doing ourselves an injustice if we did not allow ourselves to feel that pain and that loss… because that is what we need to get through this time. That is our connection to our babies and by grieving, we are allowing ourselves grace to get through the most devastating moments in our lives. Wishing you much hope today and I am sure hoping this baby is for keeps in your arms and not just in your heart!!! XO!
Lor, how did you go about enjoying being pregnant with Will, I feel as though I would be sacred the entire time and not be able to enjoy the journey.
I had an emergency hysterectomy after my uterus ruptured when we lost Matthew… Our little rainbow was given to us through the amazing gift of adoption. Rainbows come in many colors… some after the rain and some during the storm. XO!
At one time I thought I would never adopt, can’t see how I could do that, but I’ve felt differently as time goes by, I wouldn’t be raising someone elses baby, I would be raising my baby. I haven’t ruled that out. Thanks so sharing and yes rainbows come in many color.
Vee, I pray that you are able to enjoy the journey of this baby regardless of the other feelings you are experiencing.
Oh my goodness, yes! Sometimes I just wonder who in the world am I. I used to be the “baby whisperer”. Now, I just think please get that baby away from me before I lose it. I think I’m scared of them. One of my best friends is due next week, with a baby boy. For weeks I thought “why God, why couldn’t it at least be a girl”. I know I have seemed disinterested for her entire pregnancy and I feel bad but I don’t know how to enter that world right now. I worry that if I get a chance at a rainbow will I even be able to feel to really truly love another baby.
Jamie, I have said the same thing to God before about the boy thing! Please give yourself grace with the situation with your friend’s pregnancy… It’s okay to have those feelings and don’t feel bad about not entering that world right now, after all, you are still protecting yours! If you do have a rainbow baby, your love will overflow… like never before! Much love and hope to you sweet friend! Thank you for sharing with me today!
I felt the same way! Four years and two living kids later I no longer feel angry and hate-filled, but the other day I was remembering how angry I felt. I couldn’t control my feelings and I distanced myself from friends who had babies right after mine died. I couldn’t go to baby showers, baptisms, or 1st birthday parties. Seeing anything for a baby girl caused me almost physical pain. I was so angry at these mommas that got to celebrate their babies. I don’t have these feelings anymore, but I still sometimes have pangs of jealousy at baby showers or when I see 1st time pregnant women or 1st time mommies because I wish I could have had a more innocent experience.
Thank you for sharing with me Julia. I certainly can relate to you. I am so glad you don’t have those feelings anymore, and I think when you see other expecting mothers and get those pangs, that is probably pretty natural. I too, sometimes see expecting mothers and just wish it could have been different., so very different. Hugs to you!
I identify with most of what you wrote, and was nodding my head as I read, thinking, “yep, I get that’. I was forever (and still am) wanting validation for my pain. I want people to feel the pain I feel just for a day so they can understand what I carry with me every day. I wonder though…for me, there will be no “rainbow baby” to remove my grief monster. Will I always feel this way since I will never be able to hold a baby of MINE again?
I have the same questions, a “rainbow baby” is not guaranteed for us. I think that will help us heal but what if we don’t get that.
adoption is always a beautiful option! XO
Susan, I am so sorry. I wondered that too… and I wish I could give you an answer. One thing I do know, is there are so many that do feel our pain in this community and there is such strength in that. I also am a firm believer of my faith getting me through it all, the unknown and the tomorrows. Wishing you much hope and sending you a hug!
I put the thoughts about taking other peoples babies away, into the same camp as the ones about digging my baby up to take him home. Not something I would in my right mind ever do, but something that made it even a little more bearable in that moment of drastically looking for every possible way to feel better.
I had a tear in my eye reading the comment you made about Will being so warm. That is my overwhelming memory of Toni-Joi being placed down my top in theatre straight after her c section, was that she was warm and noisy. The contrast is huge xxx
Hi Mel! I think anything that we have to do to make a moment a little more bearable is a necessary part of grief and almost like a protective instinct to our hearts. (or lack of better words, a survival mechanism) And you know when we have those thoughts, we are in such a state of grief and sadness that it doesn’t even seem real. I am so sorry for your loss… and I am so grateful you got warm and noisy at the end! Lots of hugs! XO!
Thank you for making me know that when that day comes again I will be able to love again and rid of all this hate I have. Losting a BG twin, I still love seeing the babies boy or girl my anger is towards the pregnant mothers. Especially the ones who complains about being pregnant and how they cannot wait to give birth, not because they are anxious to see/meet their baby but because their body is hurting or they cannot wait to have the body back blah blah blah. I would love to switch places with them, giving birth to one twin at 20 weeks and the other 23 weeks and not being able to take them home. Thanks for your words.
I am so sorry for your loss… It is really hard to hear complaints of others… I agree, blah blah blah when that happens. I have learned (for my own peace of mind) to tune them out or walk away when I hear anything like that. (although I will admit, easier said than done!) It took a while for me to figure that out, but once I did, it was to my benefit. Protecting your heart is so important. Much hope to you and thank you for sharing with me! XO!