Our frozen transfer was not successful. We moved right into a new, fresh IVF cycle.
It was canceled last week because it was just a horrible cycle. It was to be our last cycle. As my doctor said, “If this is the cycle you were looking to end your fertility journey with no regrets with, I’m sorry to say it’s not it.”
Which meant we still might have the “what if” regrets if we didn’t attempt another fresh cycle.
I live with too many regrets that I can’t change.
I live to minimize regret. So, though I really was hoping that this last cycle would truly be our last cycle, it’s not. We are doing another one, with some adjustments we feel will yield better results, and which will allow us to feel like we really did give it one last shot.
And yet…such judgment I’m feeling.
As if I am pushing too hard putting my family through too much just for the ‘selfish’ desire to have another child. As if we should just “cut our losses,” and be glad that ‘at least’ we have Luke. Questioning whether or not Luke really IS enough for us?
I’m tired of the double standard.
Who would dare ask a woman who has not gone through all the infertility issues and loss issues that I have, “Isn’t the child you have enough?” when she suggests that she wants more? No one! In fact, that same woman is more than likely pestered with, “So, when’s the next one????”
Why am I not allowed to want more of the joy and bliss that raising a precious little one entails?
Why should I be told that I should be grateful for what I have just because the road to get there has been so, so much longer and more painful?
I find it so, so sad that we who have suffered so tragically seem to be relegated to second class citizens in the family building category… as if we should just be grateful for the living child we have and if we want more, we are being greedy.
And why does my wanting more mean I am not grateful for what I have?
Are we, those who have suffered losses and yet, been blessed with a living child, not entitled to want what other women who have not suffered losses want? Siblings who play with and fight with each other? Big family vacations to Disney and the Grand Canyon? Lively dinner table discussions among brothers and sisters?
Why is it wrong for me to wish that for me and for John and for Luke?
I admit it.When we were pregnant with Luke, I bargained with God. I told Him that if we were able to bring Luke home alive, and raise him, I’d never ask God for another thing.
I am SO glad the God in which I believe loves me enough to know that my heart was so broken and so desperate in that bargaining process. He put on my heart the desire for more. And He gave me 12 precious weeks with another sweet boy.
I find it so, so sad that we who have suffered so tragically seem to be relegated to second class citizens in the family building category… as if we should just be grateful for the living child we have and if we want more, we are being greedy. Tempting fate and not being grateful enough for the one who lives.
How easy it must be for some to judge us that way.
Those who have no idea of what month after month of negative pregnancy tests feel like.
Those who have the luxury of deciding how far apart their children will be in years.
Those who have no guilt in wishing for a specific gender, rather than just wishing for a living baby.
Those who don’t know what phantom kicks 5 months after your baby died feel like.
Those who don’t know what it feels like to have no control in one’s fertility or whether one’s child lives or dies.
It’s so easy to say that I’m pushing too hard by attempting another fresh IVF cycle. It’s so easy to tell me that I don’t act like Luke is enough, because if he was, I wouldn’t be putting my family through this traumatic process.
Why is it so easy to apply such a double standard on those of us who have already suffered so?
I think it’s time we say, “Enough, already.”