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Our frozen transfer was not successful. We moved right into a new, fresh IVF cycle.
It was canceled last week because it was just a horrible cycle. It was to be our last cycle. As my doctor said, “If this is the cycle you were looking to end your fertility journey with no regrets with, I’m sorry to say it’s not it.”
Which meant we still might have the “what if” regrets if we didn’t attempt another fresh cycle.
I live with too many regrets that I can’t change.
I live to minimize regret. So, though I really was hoping that this last cycle would truly be our last cycle, it’s not. We are doing another one, with some adjustments we feel will yield better results, and which will allow us to feel like we really did give it one last shot.
And yet…such judgment I’m feeling.
As if I am pushing too hard putting my family through too much just for the ‘selfish’ desire to have another child. As if we should just “cut our losses,” and be glad that ‘at least’ we have Luke. Questioning whether or not Luke really IS enough for us?
I’m tired of the double standard.
Who would dare ask a woman who has not gone through all the infertility issues and loss issues that I have, “Isn’t the child you have enough?” when she suggests that she wants more? No one! In fact, that same woman is more than likely pestered with, “So, when’s the next one????”
Why am I not allowed to want more of the joy and bliss that raising a precious little one entails?
Why should I be told that I should be grateful for what I have just because the road to get there has been so, so much longer and more painful?
I find it so, so sad that we who have suffered so tragically seem to be relegated to second class citizens in the family building category… as if we should just be grateful for the living child we have and if we want more, we are being greedy.
And why does my wanting more mean I am not grateful for what I have?
Are we, those who have suffered losses and yet, been blessed with a living child, not entitled to want what other women who have not suffered losses want? Siblings who play with and fight with each other? Big family vacations to Disney and the Grand Canyon? Lively dinner table discussions among brothers and sisters?
Why is it wrong for me to wish that for me and for John and for Luke?
I admit it.When we were pregnant with Luke, I bargained with God. I told Him that if we were able to bring Luke home alive, and raise him, I’d never ask God for another thing.
I am SO glad the God in which I believe loves me enough to know that my heart was so broken and so desperate in that bargaining process. He put on my heart the desire for more. And He gave me 12 precious weeks with another sweet boy.
I find it so, so sad that we who have suffered so tragically seem to be relegated to second class citizens in the family building category… as if we should just be grateful for the living child we have and if we want more, we are being greedy. Tempting fate and not being grateful enough for the one who lives.
How easy it must be for some to judge us that way.
Those who have no idea of what month after month of negative pregnancy tests feel like.
Those who have the luxury of deciding how far apart their children will be in years.
Those who have no guilt in wishing for a specific gender, rather than just wishing for a living baby.
Those who don’t know what phantom kicks 5 months after your baby died feel like.
Those who don’t know what it feels like to have no control in one’s fertility or whether one’s child lives or dies.
It’s so easy to say that I’m pushing too hard by attempting another fresh IVF cycle. It’s so easy to tell me that I don’t act like Luke is enough, because if he was, I wouldn’t be putting my family through this traumatic process.
Why is it so easy to apply such a double standard on those of us who have already suffered so?
I think it’s time we say, “Enough, already.”
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About Lori Ennis
I LOVE your article and I’m so sorry for your losses and struggles with infertility. I lost my son Hayden almost a year and a half ago and I’m currently expecting. Its so hard when people ask me if I want “another one” and i havent even held my baby girl yet! Most days i dont even believe its real and im not sure i will till shes actually here. I get so sick and tired of the judgmental comments from people as if I did want to give my child another sibling I’m testing fate or being greedy. You are so right – why is it wrong to want more than one blissful moment after what we have all been through? Thank you for writing this and … Yes enough already!
I’m sorry for the loss of your son and yet, very joy-filled for you as you currently expect his little sister! It’s not wrong to want more…and I am sorry for judging you’ve felt. Much love and many best wishes!
xoxoxoxo
Amen!! I have been through multiple infertility treatments myself and suffered losses from all of them, each in a different way. A fresh IVF in 2009 that ended in early miscarriage. a FET in 2010 that ended in a chemical pregnancy and another fresh IVF that was successful with twin boys, but I delivered them at 24 weeks and one of our sons passed at 10 days old. My husband and I are beginning to talk about doing more infertility treatments and I know that many of our friends and family are going to judge us after all we’ve been through. “How can you put yourself through all of that again after all you’ve already gone through?” You’re right, it’s as if we are not allowed to want what everyone else has just because we’ve suffered losses. That desire to build your family is there no matter what you’ve had to endure. We’ve made the decision not to tell anyone except our immediate family and maybe a few close friends, when we do start to try. I don’t want the questions and so on about it all. One day, I hope to just send out an email with a birth announcement and everyone will be like, “What? You were pregnant?!”
Thank you for your post.
I’m so, so sorry for your losses…and can totally relate to the treatments and losses—all the cycles, transfers, pregnancies…with (gratefully) my sweet little Luke to show..who are people to judge us for wanting more of the joy that he is???? And yet, they do. It’s like insult to injury. Best, best wishes and much love for when you do decided to try again. There are many to support you!
xoxoxoxo
Oh Lori,
First, I am so sorry about your cycle. I know how hard it is to get so emotionally and financially invested, then have to walk away without even the torture of the 2 Week Wait of Hope.
I could so relate to all of the points of your article – I don’t even know where to start! Obviously, someone who hasn’t walked in our shoes can’t totally understand – but – some compassion would be highly appreciated! There seems to be a prevailing opinion that fertility is given to those who are “blessed” or “worthy”. So, if you experience infertility you should just accept it. On that note, if someone gets cancer I guess they should “just accept it”, and give up without medical intervention. Can you imagine saying that to another human being? Of course not! We rally around cancer patients, and tell them to fight it with everything available! Infertility isn’t life threatening, but it is certainly life altering.
I, for one, hope that you will continue to try to get pregnant until you know that you are done – preferably when you feel that your family is complete. You’ve already lost a child, why should you have to lose your dreams, as well? Oh, but you forgot one option. If your next cycle doesn’t work, you can always “just adopt”. It’s that simple, right? I heard that ebay is having a “Buy-it-now” special on babies….
Many (hugs)) to you – thank you, for your honesty and courage!
xoxoxoxo
Yeah, that ‘just adopt’ thing didn’t work for us either…
And you are right…no one would dare say, “Well, cancer sucks. Be glad for the life you’ve had and don’t bother trying to preserve more.” (And before I’m judged for picking on cancer—my mother died of breast cancer. I know how devastating it is!)
But people feel it’s ok to do that with us—those who suffer infertility and loss. So wrong on so many levels.
Lots of love!
Lori,
I’m so sorry for the loss of your mom. Many ((hugs)) to you – too much loss! Hoping for some good news ahead, for you!
love this, Lori. thank you for writing it.
xoxoxoxoxo
Love this! It is so so true. I have never had to go as far as IVF but have had years of fertility treatments also. I don’t yet have any living children so people are asking me “when are you going to finally have a baby?” still. Ummm, if it was that easy I would have 2 or 3 by now by my choice. I so wish people wouldnt pass judgement on those of us who struggle and suffer. I agree wholeheartedly, enough already!
Judging is easy…because those who judge are usually those who have not suffered, so they have no idea.
At least, I hope that’s the case…because there are people who DO know loss and still judge…and that hurts too!
Best of wishes with your treatments. Twelve years before our first pregnancy. I know how hard and long the road seems.
xoxoxoxoxo
Thank you for this Lori. My story is a little different. I never had to go through fertility treatments, I never had a problem getting pregnant at all really. However I do have trouble carrying to term. So after an early miscarriage, a pre-term birth that nearly killed me and took my daughter away, a perfectly healthy pregnancy, and another early miscarriage, it was decided that my “window” had closed. It had become too dangerous for my health for me to continue trying for another living child. So we stopped, for the sake of my son who I was afraid in my attempt to bring him a sibling would lose his mother instead. Yes, I still want another baby, like everyday I think about it. What if, maybe medicine has advanced enough to help me now, maybe there could be a new ‘window’, maybe maybe maybe. So maybe I imposed that double standard on myself and if that’s the case, I regret it everyday not trying just more one time.
Oh and those phantom kicks, I haven’t had a baby that could kick in my tummy for 12 years but I still get them. They used to bother me but know I embrace them as just a tiny part of feeling what I lost out on. Thanks again for this article, I know many many people that know this pain too well. Thanks!!
It is unfair and wrong. No one who loves so clearly and powerfully as you do should ever be judged for wanting to share that love with a child. One or two or twenty, who gets to declare anyone’s heart but God?
I agree
Amen Lori,
We were succesful on our first cycle with B/G Twins and at 20 Weeks our son’s membrane ruptured his sister was born 17 days later at 23 weeks and lived for 20 days. This all happened in the past three months. We lost them both and I have never felt pain like this ever. My family or friends don’t know that we did IVF so they keep saying oh you can try again in November, not knowing what we had to go through. I have 5 sisters and 2 brothers and they all have atleast one child each, so you know they are always asking when are you going to have a child? I’m a Soldiers and so is my husband and we are higher in the ranks so it’s hard to do what we want when we want because it takes alot of planning and traveling to get to location for the procedure. We have one embie to try for a FET and then we might do another fresh cycle. We didn’t plan for none of this, we thought we would be giving birth to healthy twins in a month. But all we have are identical urns that we talk to everyday and express how much we love and miss them.
Good luck with yoru next cycle.
Lori -
Thank you for this post. It has been whopper of a week for me. 2 more mothers in my group have announced pregnancies, one her second since I have been trying. Got a baby shower invite in the mail, and another facebook 20 week gender announcement from another mom who accidentally got pregnant. Then I saw your post right before I deactivated my FB account for a break. While it is in some ways a relief to realize that there are others out there who know this sadness, I am so very sorry that you do, as I would not wish this on anyone.
I know I am blessed to have my daughter, but I struggle with so much sadness. 41/2 years later 4 pregnancies, 3 losses, 4 dead children (we lost twins at 19 weeks along with two early losses) and one wondrous daughter, a true miracle and now secondary infertility, cancelled IVF, and now waiting on the paperwork for an embryo donation, I am left feeling utterly hopeless. People have said those same things, about giving up, fighting against nature, and why am I not satisfied with what I have. I wish I was satisfied. I wish, I wish I could turn this want off. I have gone from begging and pleading for another child to begging and pleading for this want to go away. I feel guilty about wanting this, feeling guilty that some how my daughter will think she was not enough, feel guilty for the toll this has taken on my marriage, my friendships, my life. Do people not think that if I had the choice at this point, after all I have lost, that I would turn this off in a second. People work hard for cars, for bigger houses, they struggle for material gain, they are jealous of other peoples possessions and the want and have more children. Yet, somehow although I have lost so much, more then they can even imagine, the fact that I am working so hard to have just one more living child make our family complete, there is something wrong with me. So you are right, enough with this double standard.
I am sorry for you loss, and for your sadness but thank you for channeling it into something that gives back to so many who have lost so much.
Kristin,
I’m so sorry that you’ve had to deal with so much, and that you’ve had so many hits, lately. I don’t blame you for taking a bit of a break! I just wanted to wish you luck with your donor embryo cycle. Our rainbow twins came from donated embryos, and they’ve been an incredible gift. It’s a relatively small community of families who are created by donor embryos, and an even smaller one that has experienced loss as well. Please feel free to email me, if you need to connect with someone who has walked a bit in your shoes. lchek at nc dot rr dot com.
((hugs))
They…haven’t walked where you are walking. Beautiful Lori, while I haven’t faced infertility, I did walk through multiple losses, and faced similar judgment for longing for another child…a sibling for our oldest son, another bundle of joy to fill our arms and our family. The same question was posed to me….”why isn’t Timothy enough?”
What kind of a thing is that to say to any mother?
I could list all the ways that question was wrong and how it made me feel…but what you already wrote pretty much sums it up, dear sister. Just want you to know, you’re being covered in prayer, with much love.
Blessings to you…
It always shocks me when people judge us. I had 4 consecutive miscarriages and 2 years IF. I have 2 boys now 8 and 10 years old. When the 16th anniversary of my first m/c passed this last Aug. 26th, someone asked me if I remember all of them. Really? Do you remember all your children’s birthday’s? Or the date of other traumatic event’s in your life? These were my babies, no matter how small, I loved them, I prayed for them, I grieved them and yes, I miss them. Would anyone ask someone that lost a living older child if they still miss that child? No… just us. I am so grateful for my 2 boys, but I have 4 other angels that I think of often… I always will. ((hugs)) to you, I really hope to read that your last cycle, your next cycle, is a success.
I get it, Lori. I have to admit, when I was young and inexperienced, I didn’t understand this at all. I had to learn the anguish and struggle of fertility tragedy the hard way. This might be one of those things that only the most compassionate or the experienced can fully grasp.
My struggle is different. I am lucky enough to have had my living daughter with no setbacks or complications. Since then, I have been pregnant four more times. Three miscarriages and a stillbirth.
When friend tell me, very carefully, that one is enough, I know that they are just trying to prevent me more of the pain I have suffered over the recent years. I know that they are trying to make me okay with this if it is to be my fate. I’m in the uncomfortable position of being totally NOT okay with having an only child, and also totally not ready to try again. I have to go somewhere from here. I just don’t know which way.
I mourn the loss of my child and the loss of my pregnancies and the loss of my innocence. I am angry that some people get to space their children out exactly the way they wish. My preferred spacing has long passed me by.
I think the only way I could convey what you’re saying here is to say this, “Imagine telling [your firstborn], ‘Sorry. No siblings for you. Not ever.’ How would it feel to you?”
That might help them to understand.