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How can you make a choice that can’t be unmade? How do you introduce a child to death?
Very simply ~ know your children and let them lead the way.
We knew my children and their hearts. We weighed our options carefully and tried to prepare each of them for Amelia’s death. But no amount of talking can really prepare one for the cruel reality of death. We knew that we would all experience this horrible first together.
A friend brought them to the hospital and my husband met them all down stairs to tell them that Amelia had died before she was born.
In that quiet moment of my hospital room before my husband brought in our children, I closed my eyes and tried to image myself in their shoes, bracing myself as I heard a small knock on the door.
And all the doubt and fear I held inside evaporated in a moment. Three little toe headed angels bearing gifts for their sister walked in without tears, fear or confusion. They came in smiling.
My heart filled the moment they walked into my room as I cradled her in my arms. To them, Amelia was nothing to be scared of. After all, they knew her. They read stories to and sang to her, took turns guessing what she would look like, how much she would weigh, what color her hair would be, if she would have mommy or daddy’s toes. They prayed we would get the chance to see her alive, but also prayed that angels would carry her to heaven if her body stopped working too soon.
They each gently kissed and hugged her. They adored her and wanted to take turns holding her. There was no fear, no shock, no misunderstanding about her being ‘asleep’. Their sister was finally on the outside world with them and they each loved her with a simplicity that I am still floored by.
And in that moment, death didn’t exist. In that moment, we were a family ~ complete.
If you have children that have walked the path of grief with you, I encourage you to talk openly about those hardest moments. Bring out photos and memories and let them lead the conversation. It is an important part of the grieving process for children to have opportunities to share their feelings and memories.
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About Stephanie
Beautiful. I love the simplistic, honest way children can approach life & death without the complications we adults throw into the equation.
I love how her big brothers welcomed little Amelia…and those pictures are simply precious. What special memories!
Mary, you are so right ~ children don’t see things in the complicated way adults do and because of that, they can approach terrible and hard situations in a way we sometimes cannot. Amelia was a very lucky little girl with three siblings who loved (and still love) her with abandon.
A beautiful family <3
Thank you Jamie!
How your children felt were the exact way mine did. There was no sadness from them. They hugged and kissed Brynn and touched her. They loved her unconditionally. The one thing I regret is they did not hold her, but they don’t seem to be bothered by it. They talk of her often. A child’s love is so raw and pure which I believe is a gift from God. I heard a quote that I read in a book called “I Will Carry You” by Angie Smith that goes “Joy is not the absence of trouble but the presence of Christ”. That is exactly how I felt as we spent our very short time as a whole family.
Jess,
There are things I ‘wish’ we did too, but we followed their lead, as I am sure you did and that is all we can do in those moments. I love hearing that your children were so joyful in meeting their sister, that is something that they will always have with her.
Your story brought such tears to my eyes. We have lost two daughter over a 5 yrs span, each at 20wks. My boys were old enough both time to be aware of the loss of a much wanted sister. We have been open with them both times, not easy in any means but I think its helped me heal watching them deal. We just Kenley in Feb and they are 11 & 10. They cried with us, went to the funeral home with us to get her ashes and we released balloons with messages to her together. They are my rocks~they help me everyday, reminding me that just because we can’t hold the girls they forever live on as beautiful parts of our family.
Dear Rachael,
It sounds like your boys are pretty incredible and that has to come from incredible parents.
Our 3 boys too, handled it so well….I’m just so sad they have this experiemce at ages 12, 10 and 7. Sometimes my waves of grief are more for that, than my own loss….a bit of innocence was taken from them when Ramsey died.
Kori,
I feel the same way ~ that grief for the innocence lost. We don’t get to choose, not for us or our children. My little ones were 3, 5 and 7 and 2.5 years later they still amaze me in how easily they speak and share about their sister. Love is boundless!
Thank you for sharing, very touching. We lost our twins and dealing with their deaths a little over a month apart is like getting punched in the gut prior to healing from the last punch. Reading these postings help so much so thanks again for sharing. I share what I read to my husband because he is not able to read these and I know he is really hurt by our loss. Again thanks for sharing and best of luck.
Patient-One
Even after my own experiences with loss, it still is like a punch in the gut for me too some days. I can’t even imagine your pain and I am heartbroken for your losses. I hope that you have the support you need and that your husband does as well. Men and woman grieve so very differently and we often cannot reach one another in our own dark places.