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I’ve come to realize something.
I’m that woman.
You know her—heck, you may even BE her too.
The one who thought life would be so different.
Get out of school. Get married. Have three or four (or more!) children and two dogs and a white picket fence and yearly family vacations at the beach.
That’s what I had planned, at least.
And SO not how things are.
Instead, I am the woman I somewhat pitied for years.
In the beginning of my childbearing attempts, I was still optimistic. I’d read about or meet women who had been through treatment after treatment with no success…IUI or IVF cycle after IUI or IVF cycle and still no baby.
Early on, at least I wasn’t her.
Then, after I WAS her, I’d read about or meet women who had lots of infertility treatments, but even when ‘successful’, there was pregnancy loss. Oh, how I felt for those women.
When I finally got pregnant with Matthew, I truly felt like the hard part was done! I wasn’t going to be that woman. My pregnancy was great, and I went past my due date! I would be the woman who struggled, but who brought a baby home!
It didn’t happen that way. I was now her. The woman who lost a baby.
By the time we got to Luke’s IVF cycle, I’d already been through two embryo transfers—neither of which allowed me the ultimate joy of a 3:00 am feeding. I was starting to feel ‘seasoned’, even then.
And yet, I was not even close.
When I began the process for Trey’s cycle, and then found out I was once again pregnant, I kept telling myself that most babies come home. Losing Matthew was such a rare thing; Luke’s pregnancy was so great. Sure, I knew many women who suffered multiple losses, but again…that wouldn’t be me.
Until it was. Losing Trey put me in that world…the one where women have more dead children than living. Again.
The last Frozen Embryo Transfer we did in June was our fifth transfer. It was unsuccessful.
So, here I am again…that woman…the one who is attempting her fourth fresh IVF cycle and her sixth embryo transfer and is pretty convinced that the worst will happen, but is again praying to be inexplicably and pleasantly surprised.
I’ve turned into the woman that I would read about or know of and think, “At least what I’m dealing with is not what she’s dealing with,” and I’m not quite sure of how I feel about that. Being the woman for whom my heart would ache when I’d learn of her life’s story…
The woman people pity.
I don’t want pity. I have a great life. I have an amazing husband and an amazing little boy to raise and the most amazing honor of being the mother of three little boys. If this next cycle is to bring us another little one to raise on this earth, Hallelujah!
If not, we are done. That’s where I stop being that woman and become this woman.
This woman…Me.
I’m ready.
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About Lori Ennis
A very powerful post, which I am sure many women can empathise with. Life can be inexplicably cruel. I wish for your latest cycle to end happily and for you to have a peaceful, non eventful pregnancy and wish you luck in becoming you.
Thank you…and sadly, you are probably right in that there are lots of us who feel like ‘her’. Thank you for your kind words and wishes!
xoxoxo
Wow! someone who understands. I am “that” woman, pitied by my friends. I got married young but my ex husabnd turned out to be a compulsive liar who was being unfaithful before we even married. After 6 years of difficult marriage I found out the truth. We had never tried to have children as he always wanted to put it off. So I was single again – but hey – so were lots of my friends, then over the next 6 years I watched them all get married off and many start families. Then a miracle I met a wonderful man and in 2 1/2 years later we were married and pregnant! I felt like I’d rejoined all my friends in the journey of life – admittedly a bit behind but I wasn’t “that” woman who had had the dreadful divorce anymore. Then at 39 weeks my precious boy’s heart stopped beating and I became her again. 3 months on I am the odd one out again, I am the one everyone looks at with that sad face. I don’t want to be pitied, I hate being her I have so much to be grateful for. No one I have ever tried to explain those feelings to has ever understood what I mean, they say I’m not pitied just loved, so I’ve stopped trying to explain and I just feel it inside. Thank you for putting into words what I secretly feel – It’s good to know someone understands. I hope we both find the way to being ourselves, I wish you all the best for your journey….
Lori,
We share the very dubious ‘honor’ of being “infertile by an infertile’s standard”. 15 confirmed pregnancies, 9 embryo transfers (of varying genetics), 4 heartbeats, 2 live births, and surviving child. I remember hearing a woman outside of the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit at the hospital say “I’m sorry I’ve been out of touch, but we lost him about an hour ago.” I had seen her in passing at the Ronald McDonald House, but didn’t know her story. I handed her some Kleenex, and left her to her own private Hell. I was thinking, “Thank God I’m not her”….until – few days later – I was….
Through all of that, some hope struggled through, and we eventually had our rainbow twins via surrogacy (my uterus had been removed when our first son was born). I know that it’s very, very hard to keep going forward, when you keep hearing “no”. I, and I’m betting everyone else who reads your post, will be sending you many positive thoughts and prayers of strength that this cycle brings you a beautiful rainbow (or two). (((hugs)))
See…just what I’m talking about…so much that one can hardly really believe that’s who you are….that’s how it’s gone for you when you’ve sort of seen it happen to others and think, “Well, I could be her…” and then, like you said, all of a sudden, you are. I remember being pregnant with Matthew—5 days before he was born. I was sitting on the sofa looking for hats for him and some site said proceeds went to NILMDTS. I of course clicked to see what that was…and just cried and cried and cried. Held my humongous stomach for all it was worth and thanked God I was not one of those parents….that I didn’t know what that pain felt like and my IF pain was minimal in comparison. And then…6.5 days later, I was thanking God that organization existed and was so grateful to my photographer. Surreal. Thank you for your sweet words. Much love!
xoxoxoxoxo
Yes, you are THE woman you are supposed to be!! Great post!
Thanks! xoxoxoxoxoxo
Beautiful post Lori!! I’m so sorry for your multiple losses. It breaks my heart even more, hearing your story, but I love the power of your words. I am praying for you & your family. BIG ((hugs)).
I am that woman, the one with more dead children than living. I am amazed at your courage to keep going but I understand the deep desire to have living children. HA who says that “living children”? People like us I guess. My prayers are with you that all will be well this go around and you will bring home a beautiful new baby.
{{{Lori}}}