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The moments when I began to feel happy again during my grief journey took me by surprise. Whether it was an evening out with friends, or goofing around with my boys, happiness started to slowly seep back into a life that was so black and cold.
But why would happiness be so disconcerting, especially when you are already so unhappy?
We should welcome happiness in, not reject it, right?
It’s a sign that the grieving parent is healing, right?
It’s a good thing, right?
Wrong.
For many grieving parents, happiness in the wake of our loss can cause us to feel guilty. We feel as though we shouldn’t be happy again, after suffering such a profound loss. Staying in the dark, dank sadness, shutting out the sunshine and warmth of happiness, makes us feel closer to our deceased child. We loved them so much that we can’t possibly ever be happy again. These are the things we feel and think, and they are perfectly normal.
These conflicting emotions were a challenge for me, and in conversations with many grieving moms, I’ve discovered that this is a common occurrence. But, truly, any emotional state is unsustainable on a permanent basis. We can’t stay angry or sad or disappointed forever, and we won’t always be happy, either. After all, sad times help us to appreciate the happy times that much more. The contrast of our emotions gives life depth and breadth. With that in mind we must realize that in order to take care of ourselves, we must allow ourselves to be happy.
One of the things that helped me most to understand this was to think about how sad my children were when they saw me sad. When they caught me crying, they would be on the verge of tears. I realized that my boys didn’t like to see me unhappy. By extrapolation, it would follow that Colin wouldn’t want me to be sad all the time either. I know my children won’t always be happy, but I hope they are happy, or at least content more often than not. I had to consider whether or not I would want Colin to see me so unhappy, considering my unhappiness was a result of his death. I had to consider whether or not I would want him to see so much sadness within me as a result of his death.
My conclusion? I didn’t want that at all. I wouldn’t want to burden my son with my darkness. I gradually started to accept the light as it wedged its way into my life. My being happy didn’t lessen my love for Colin, not even a little bit. In fact, I like to think that when he looks down and sees us smiling, he is smiling, too.
P.S. Smiling actually makes you feel happier–biologically! When you smile, your body releases endorphins, serotonin and natural pain killers. So take a chance and smile. It doesn’t make your loss any less important. It doesn’t make you insensitive. It makes you human. Welcome happiness.
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About Rachel
Thank you for this! I don’t ever really remember feeling guilt that I was coming into the light again. If anything I felt a measure of relief that the darkness was lifting. I wanted to smile again! Maybe it’s because I never really equated my children dying to my ability to love as a mother. I mean, I loved them deeply, I would have never wished they die, I wanted them to fulfill the dreams I had for them, but in the end they were gone and no amount of anything would bring them back. Yes, I was in pain, I was sad, I was depressed, I was angry, I was bitter, I was all of it but I never felt that those emotions were the ones that connected me to my children. Love, pure love, and joy that they lived as brief as they did was the connection I had with them. So no I never really felt like I needed to stay in my deep grief to feel closer to them or validate them. My love validated them. Sometimes with a smile and sometimes with a tear but always with love.
I hope my ramblings make sense to you. It’s hard to express in words sometimes what my heart is telling me.
They totally make sense. There was a sense of relief for me, too, but it took a while to allow that in, for whatever reason. But the nagging in the background was there for a long time. Much longer than I would have liked for myself. But when the memories of Colin weren’t always flashbacks to the night he died, I started to realize that I was ready to step a little further into the light. That only happened through grief counseling to me.
And I love your comment, because it just proves what we say all the time, that everyone grieves differently, and there’s no right or wrong way to grieve. Thanks for sharing!
Peace.
dear rachel, thank you for your post. i have been blessed with two wonderful boys, one is in heaven and one on earth. my little one is now almost seven weeks old and i love him so much…
still, i am having troubles dealing with conflicting feelings of happiness, gratefulness and joy for every minute i have with my little boy and the sadness and despair of not having his older brother with us.
sometimes i am overwhelmed with sadness when i know i am so fortunate to be holding my little one in my arms, and then i feel guilty because if i’m sad i’m not a good mum to my living son and if i am happy i feel guilty because i’m happy…sometimes i’m really troubled this way…i know for sure that Samuel wouldn’t want me to be sad, but it is still so hard being without him….and seeing joshua growing bigger every day, i know now what i missed with Samuel…
Giovanna,
First of all, congratulations on your new bundle! There’s something I learned in my grief process that I’d like to share with you. I knew that one of the reasons that I was hurting so badly was because I loved Colin so very much and that love, I thought, had nowhere to go because he was gone. Then I realized that I still had two little boys that I already loved, and I decided to take that love that I had for Colin and pile it all onto them. I know this makes Colin happy–to know his brothers are so loved. You can do the same. And it’s okay to be happy. I promise. It is the hardest thing to be without our babies, but you are a good mom. I can tell. To both of your sons. Take comfort in knowing that you are doing your best and fill your heart with love. And remember to try to smile. Samuel smiles when you do.
Thank you so much for sharing your story and your boys with us.
Rachel