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Guest Post by Julie Bindeman, Psy-D
As if there isn’t enough difficulty when dealing with pregnancy loss, an added factor that can be surprising for a couple is how each processes the grief they experience. Please note that I will be speaking in generalizations in this entry, but just as the grief process isn’t linear for everyone, these generalizations also aren’t to speak for everyone.
For many years, Elisabeth Kubler Ross’s stages of grief have been considered a gold standard. We have all heard about denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance, which are more of a framework rather than an instruction manual. Let’s face it; grief isn’t really a sexy topic that is getting a lot research funding to understand it better. Perhaps a different way of understanding grief, especially as it pertains to pregnancy and infant loss, is within a framework of four items created by John Bowlby.
The first is shock and numbness—our stunned reaction to our losses. After all, we were supposed to wait nine months and then bring home a healthy baby. This was not the reality we were expecting.
The second stage is searching and yearning and can include a wide array of feelings including guilt, anger, yearning for our babies, and the painful questions of “Why Me?” This is where we wonder what the future will hold for us, as the one that we had planned for is lost to us.
Depression is another expected phase of grief. This is when the reality of what seems so unreal comes sinking in. Living within this reality can be difficult, as it is not the one we would have chosen.
Finally, the final part in grief: re-organization. Reorganizing is when we figure out a way to enjoy life again, to trust, and to feel a renewal. This is not to say that we forget our child in an effort to “move on,” but rather, we integrate our loss into our life into some way. The loss is translated to have meaning.
Often times, women progress through these phases in a fairly sequential order. They tend to emote and talk about their feelings. Women cry. What can feel like a lot. They make tangible meaning of the losses, and figure out a way to incorporate it as a way to continue on with life.
Men, frequently, are different. While they may feel anger, shock, and depression, our culture teaches them to keep their emotions inside. Few men cry as a way to release these feelings. Men view themselves as needing to help their wives, to be strong, and often times, they are the ones that have to make decisions they never thought about needing to make.
As time goes on, and the early grief settles into a dull numbness, it can seem like male partners are “over it” far more quickly than the women they support. For many men, the duration of grief is quicker in that they get to a place where they realize they cannot change what has happened, and thus being stuck in the past isn’t helpful to them.
While no version of processing grief is right or wrong, it is important to talk with your partner about what you are experiencing and to acknowledge that the two of you may have very different ways of doing so.
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Hi Julie. Thanks for choosing to write about the different ways men and women experience grief. Recently re-read ” the Mars, Venus book” and am very familiar with Kubler Ross’s Five stages of grief but never thought about how one impacts on the other. My husband of 28 years and I lost our first grandchild to a premature birth. We were looking forward to being grandparents. As a matter of fact, in some ways I credit our precious Victoria for saving our marriage. In the beginning we were grieving in similar ways and openly shared how we felt daily. Recently I have been wondering, “has he moved on?” or “is he forgetting?”. Your words have been helpful. There is also the saying “a grandparent grieves twice”. Once for the loss of their precious grandchild and secondly by watching their son/daughter try to deal with the loss of a child . There is also the impact on the siblings that were planning to become aunts and the extended family. It was truly insightful to intertwine these two famous works along with the work of John Bowlby. I am definitely experiencing difficulty with re-organization and I know my daughter-in-law is as well. After 8 months I am still having trouble finding joy in things I did in the past and my daughter-in-law tries for my son’s sake but I know she is not having fun. Keeping communication open is essential but difficult. I am an emotional person and my husband does not respond well to my tears. I would like for you to write more about the differences in how men and women experience grief. Statistically there is a need; many marriages cannot survive the loss of a child whether the cause is miscarriage, stillbirth, premature birth, SIDS or an accident/illness later in childhood. I am sharing your post with the men in my life-my husband and son, as well as my “daughters”. Thanks again.
Colleen,
As an auntie who grieved not just for a nephew but for my brother & sister(in-law), I wanted to thank you for mentioning siblings/aunts/uncles in your response. Sometimes we feel left out.
What was hardest was that my sister & I put together the entire memorial service in 2009 for our nephew–she did the flowers (having been a florist) & I did the organizing, the memory cards, the order of service, etc. My brother-in-law helped where ever he could. My cousin (who is more like a brother) and his wife, were the ones who were there at the hospital with my brother & sister as she gave birth to a baby whose heart suddenly stopped on his due date. His wife took pictures at the hospital & at the service. I think I can speak for all of us when I say, I NEVER want to plan an infant’s memorial service again…the very idea makes my chest constrict. It was beautiful, it was an act of love, it was special, but we didn’t get to really partake as others did. (Never mind the fact that I never want another friend or family member to go through the pain of child loss!)
Having watched my mom grieve for her son, daughter-in-law, and grandson, I can picture a bit of what you went through.
Sending you love.
Dear Mary,
I do believe you probably did an amazing job in planning the memorial service and I am sure you spent hours on the memory cards. However, as a mother who has lost a son, I admit I am a bit upset by your feeling of being left out. I feel this kind of loss is not an event like the prom where one does not get that one dance they wanted or in a wedding where a woman thought she should have been the maid of honor and not just a bridesmaid. The ultimate grief lies with the parents. I highly encourage you to value your supporting role and to not focus on what you did not get to do. Maybe if you had been more involved, the mother might have felt you were overstepping your bounds and trying to take away something that was personal to her. You did not do this though. I hope your brother and his wife never know of your wanting to be more involved. It would only cause more stress to the grieving parents. Trust me when I say, they will relive those heartbreaking moments and value the family members who stepped in and did what they could.
All my best,
Kerri
Dear Kerri, I am so sorry for your loss. I believe you misunderstood Mary’s comments. She was not replying to the post in general. She addressed her comments specifically to me (Colleen) not Julie, the author. Mary was explaining that she was thankful that I mentioned the tremendous impact the loss of a baby has on the entire family. Mary was sharing her experience arranging the memorial for her nephew with the help of her sister, brother-in-law and cousin. She did these things out of love for her nephew, brother and sister (in-law) not to bring attention to her actions or a desire to be more involved. My son and “daughter” felt unable to make the arrangements for my grandbaby’s burial and memorial service. They asked that my husband and I do it for them. We asked for their input and approval with every detail. Mary was reaching out to me, sharing her loss and offering me love and her condolences. It does not seem fair to compare her experience with getting ready for prom or wishing to be maid-of-honor rather than a bridesmaid. It does not seem necessary to “hope that her brother and his wife never know of her wanting to be more involved” because as you said when they relive those heartbreaking moments, they will remember and appreciate those that helped. That’s what family is all about. I think Mary helped to create a beautiful memorial for her nephew and this was important to her own grieving process. Please read her comments again and I think you will see her intention was to reach out to me. I also think it is wonderful that siblings, aunts, uncles, grandparents and others are reading and commenting on these posts.
God Bless you and your family. I hope you will find the inner peace that we are all looking for at this time.
Dear Colleen,
Yes, I understand Mary was reaching out to you and I actually read her commentary a few times before replying. I do not know how to accept her statement, “it was special, but we didn’t get to really partake as others did” other than as face value. Each detail and who was involved played a huge part in her comments. Please reread my first reply to Mary and you will see I am trying to tell her to focus on the things she did do and not what she did not partake in. This should only be construed as constructive criticism and advice from someone who has been there.
All my best,
Kerri
Great article. Thanks for sharing these four frameworks. They are much closer to my babyloss grief experience than the traditional stages of grief.
I agree. Kubler-Ross actually spoke many times about how her stages weren’t really appropriate for those who experienced the death of another. They were developed in her work with people who were dying from terminal illness. She felt that her work was misunderstood. And I’m sure a big reason why is because people want this to be all neat and tidy. But it’s not, as you know. It’s messy and not formulaic and different for each loss/griever combination.
I love the line about “integrating” the loss. Perfect description.
Thank you, Julie, for sharing these 4 “frameworks.” They fit with this kind of grief & loss so much better than the “5 stages of grief” framework!
Also, thank you for the reminder of how men & women grieve differently. You said for many men, they reach a place where they know they cannot change what has happened plus they are caring for their wives, so they move on. Many of them have jobs they must return to in order to keep a roof over their heads & food on the table–they want to protect & care for their wives… I wonder though, if many of them quietly circle back around, after the wife is stable and in the re-organization stage of grief and quietly weep for these children they’ve lost.
I wish someone would do research on this.
Hi Julie! I will add that in my experience working with couples who have experienced the loss of a baby, a big factor cited for men’s fast return to “life as usual” is their lack of physical connection to the baby. The physical experience of nausea, feeling kicks, gaining weight, eating or avoiding certain foods, etc. all reinforce this physical connection which then for many women, become intertwined with the emotional connection or attachment.