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There is nothing like that feeling I get when my children speak of their sisters. We can be out running errands or just meeting someone new. My heart does a double take and I find myself holding my breath, watching for the telltale signs. Today, it went something like this as my three boys were in a waiting room and I came out of a doctor’s office with my daughter.
Random Mother sitting waiting room: “Your three boys are so delightful!”
Me: “Thank you!”
Mother: “The little one is so friendly”
Me: “Yes, he is a social butterfly”
Mother, as she sees my daughter peeking out behind my legs: “Wow, so you have four!” And I can see the wheels moving in her head with the next line she delivers: “So, you have your hand full!”
Now at this point in any exchange, I tense up because first of all the number of children is mentioned and secondly, my children are listening to this and have a compulsion to correct this woman.
Son #1: “Oh no, we have 6 children in our family. One died when it was a speck ~ her name is Alice. One died when she was born ~ her name is Amelia.”
Son #2: “Yep, we have three boys and three girls, but two are in heaven right now, so M is the only living girl in our family.”
Mother, politely smiling and briefly making eye contact with me as she stumbles to find the words. “Really?!”
And at this point in most exchanges, I start to get defensive because I can hear the judgmental in most peoples voices. They are usually thinking that these children are either making up a story OR they know WAY TOO much about life and death. The look of pity sets in and then I have to find a quick exit . . . which goes like this.
Me: “Um, yes, it is true. Have a nice day. Come on kids . . . time to go.”
I wish I could master the polite silence in a room when this happens, but for the life of me I am driven to speak up. There is no amount of chit-chat that will make this situation with a stranger easier, but I also sometimes yearn for the grace to just smile and say nothing. To learn to trust the moment for what it is, my children’s moment and not mine.
The funny thing about having living children before experiencing a loss {at least for me} is that there are just too many personalities to heard and reel in. Each of my children are very different and have a unique way of self expression. So, when they get started ~ stand BACK, because they will TELL you all about everything.
It doesn’t matter, because for them, the subject is not an uncomfortable one. I began to realize that my children never saw the reactions that I did. They only saw the opportunity to share their sisters ~ people they love ~ with someone else.
It is in my nature to protect my children and the memories of the ones who are not here. But what I failed to see was this ~ my children were protecting their memories as well. If a memory is kept secret, it fades. If a memory is spoken aloud, it comes alive again. So, my children keep their sisters alive in the ways that come most naturally for them . . . they talk about them {even with perfect strangers}.
They have the simplicity of childhood to buffer them from the cruelty of a harsh or horrified look. After I recognized that, it didn’t matter what the receiver of this information did, I had to learn to let my children take the lead. Even when someone has been so brazen as to try and correct my children or imply that they are somehow ‘making things up’ they are bold and confidently stand their ground against any adult.
It still gives me pause to see them so confidently share their story with others when I cannot. Their faith is childlike and they are teaching me to trust again.
Now that is beautiful.
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About Stephanie
This is simply beautiful. I don’t have any living children right now (our angel was our first) but my husband and I have said from day one, when our Angel has a little brother or sister they will know all about their big brother and we will always talk about him and include him. I decided a while ago that I don’t care how uncomfortable it makes other people, I will never deny my son. If someone asks if we have any children (I wish they simply wouldn’t but that’s not how the world works), I will say “we have a son who became an angel in heaven when he was 36 days old.” I commend you for always counting your angels and for showing your children that it’s ok to talk about. Maybe someday, after we’re long gone and our children are grown, this subject will be less taboo and uncomfortable for everyone. Love and peace to you always!
I hope that Still Standing and all our loss friends will continue to make this subject one that is always spoken about.
Wow! This is beautifully written! I, too had my three children before my daughters: Noel was stillborn and Natalie was miscarried at 15 weeks. My living children have no problem sharing their siblings memory with complete strangers. Thank you for allowing me to see this from their perspective.
It still amazes me to hear my children speak with confidence. I am sure that your children do as well.
That is SO beautiful! I’m sorry that people have NO IDEA how to react in a nice way. But I love that your kids talk so freely about their sisters.
Unfortunately, over the years I have had to grow a thick skin. But I am thankful that my children seem immune to insensitive comments.
I have had two miscarriages (girls) and two stillbirths (boy & girl) all lost at seperate times. All four of our children died after we had 3 girls. I get asked all the time if we are going to try for “one more” or try for a boy. Sometimes I say nothing and just smile, sometimes I correct them and say, “Actually we tried for another one and have had 2 miscarriages and 2 stillbirths and one was a boy.” Most people just say sorry and walk away or dont know what to say. My daughters talk about thier siblings, even though they never met them (our stillbirths were very early). It is just a part of thier life. People NEVER know how to react when my kids say something to them. They usually look at me wtih pity though. I am used to that now. It still hursts, but my kids talking about their sisters and brother erases and bad feelings I had about that interaction. I am so proud of my girls for helping me keep the memories of my babies alive. Somedays it seems as if my husband, my daughters, amd myself are the only ones that will do it!!!
Laura,
I am sorry that you have to live through these comments too. It is all so heartbreaking. But clearly, your children feel safe and confident sharing their siblings with people and that says a lot about your family.
Love this, especially this: “If a memory is kept secret, it fades. If a memory is spoken aloud, it comes alive again.”
YES!
YES YES YES!! Talking about our children in a positive light without sadness but with love is how we break the silence. We are THEIR voice and they can still be heard through us. Their names are precious and so are their memories, even the ones that were only dreams. I have struggling lately how to express how the way we speak about our babies directly affects how the person we are talking to will react. If we approach it in a way that is not about death but about the life they lived then more people will begin to see death as less threatening. After all, there really is no reason to try to pretend death doesn’t happen since it will happen to all of us eventually. Embracing what death is can enhance the life you have to live. I know this is soo out there for some people. BTW, this is the subject of a blog post coming on Aug 19th for Day of Hope. I hope you will be able to read it. Sorry to ramble on but this subject is very important to me.
I totally agree Steph.
I love when my kids remember their sister, makes me feel like her memory will always be kept alive and it won’t just be me. I’ve had a few odd comments from people who don’t understand why my kids know so much about loss but I wouldn’t have it any other way.
I know that this is a path we would never choose for our children, but I have to believe that it shapes their empathy and in years to come, that they will not make the same mistake that so many others do.
A beautifully written piece about a tough, yet beautiful, topic…
I love that your kids share about their sisters–that they don’t carry misplaced shame or “weirdness” about talking about them, but rather it is very natural & (as you said) it helps them keep their sisters’ memories alive.
It does sadden me that adults can’t get over being “adult” long enough to just talk and listen to them and, as you said, follow their lead in the conversation. But, perhaps, with more awareness, with magazines such as Still Standing, other adults who have not been touched personally by child-loss (meaning even tangentially via family member or friend–even friend-of-friend) will learn to be caring, listening people who can empathize both with the children and the parent in situations such as these.
I love your insight into what they are doing and how you need to just follow their lead–what a special mommy you are!
Thank you very much Mary.
Stephanie, we have some things in common. Your daughter is in heaven and I have a granddaughter in heaven. We both work in careers that deal with children, acceptance of differences and the hope of changing lives. It always amazes me that children accept and speak freely about topics that make most adults “uncomfortable”. Your story is beautiful; it is a tribute to Amelia as well as the wonderful “job” you have done as a mother. Amelia’s siblings keep her memory alive every time they speak about her. One day maybe we can change the “rules” and all of our babies that left us too soon can be spoken about openly without anyone feeling discomfort or questioning the truth behind our words and accepting our beliefs that our little ones are part of our families.
Colleen, thank you for your thoughtful comment.