 |
Guest Post by Tracy
Yesterday my mom said that I should do things I don’t want to because it will help me get over it faster. And then today suggested I visit my doctor—I might need medicine for depression.
I’m not going to get over it—I may get through it; there may be another side of this grief, but it will never be over.
I’m sad—grieving—but I don’t think I’m depressed. It’s only been two weeks. I lost a child. A child I had hopes and dreams for. Eleven weeks in utero or eleven years on earth… I still am not supposed to outlive my child. I am sad. Drugs won’t make my sadness go away.
I was hurt. This is my mother whom I’m very close to. I always feel able to tell her anything. And now I know I won’t anymore. Not this. This is mine to hold—not to hurt. I went in my house, sat on the stairs and held back tears.
And then I thought about it…
I already tell myself that the words come from a good place. And in my head I repeat the mantra “It’s from a good place, it’s from a good place.”
But recently, I’ve added another thought: “I’m so glad they don’t understand.” To understand is to have lost. That’s the only way someone really “gets it.” They too lost a child like I lost a child. They too wept for their baby, their dreams and their innocence.
I would never wish that hurt on anyone. No matter how much they hurt me. I don’t want them to understand—most especially not my mom. that understanding comes at such a high price. And I would never, ever, ever want any one else to pay that price.
My price is enough.
|
Is a really great attitude. And you’re right, it comes from a good place. If someone has never been here they are incapable of understanding and usually have no idea what to say. There is no structure for grief and no right way to do it. It’s a personal endeavor. Do it your way and feel confident that you will see the other side. Never to get over it, just to get through it.
Wow! Such wonderful, true words from the heart. I, too, am glad “they” don’t understand. I am so sorry for your loss and pray you find comfort in the sadness.
OH sweetie — heartfelt hugs a thousand times. As Gramma to both Angel babies my daughter had — I’ve been on a huge learning curve of grief, what to say, what not to say, etc. I’m so sorry for the words you’ve already heard, as well as the ones you’ll continue to hear. My daughter’s heard them all. As HER mom I’VE heard them all….. such as “how old is your daughter?” After I’d answer they’d then respond “Oh, well – she can have more” or “She’s got lots of time left”, etc. REALLY? I soon discovered it was ok to gently respond back “It doesn’t matter how old she is, she never got to see her first baby past 12 weeks gestational development, and she never gets to have her second baby, born/died at full term, back again.”
People truly don’t know what to say, unless they’ve suffered their own loss. It’s such a bitter road to walk. My heart aches for your loss. Please remember that the only wrong thing about grief – is NOT to. You are entitled to your grief. It’s yours to own and work thru however you need to. The babyloss community is so welcoming and endearing. FacesOfLoss.com has been one of my daughter’s lifelines. It so helps to connect with those who truly understand.
My heartfelt prayers are lifted up today on your behalf. And I’ll pray for your mama — she’s hurting, too. When your baby died, a huge part of HER baby (you) died also. I “get” it.
♥ Gramma Vicki
I totally agree. And you’re right — it’s only been TWO WEEKS. You will need time to get through this. Lots of time. Keep on not letting other people (even people who love you and care deeply, but who just — thankfully for them — don’t get it) tell you what you “should” be doing. Hugs.
I am also so very sorry for your loss. My mother-in-law after two weeks told me that I should be over it too… like there was a time table to my grief. She told me that when her father died she sat moaping around and didn’t want to do anything. Then she said she realized that she needed to take care of her son and that she shouldn’t be doing this. So she claims that was the day she was “over it and moved on”. I was so numb at that time, I didn’t respond. All I could think of was, “Yeah, well you had your whole life with your dad, I had only 37 weeks with my daughter inside me. How is that even equal?” I have learned that sometimes, even family can say very hurtful things. I don’t totally agree that they mean well. It may be a tool for them in their grief to tell you that because if they see you as “normal” (like you could ever go back to that) then they are done with their grief too. Maybe they feel guilty because they aren’t grieving like you… which I also don’t see how they can because they never felt the baby, carried the baby, bonded with the baby like the mother does. I have grown a very thick skin with my mil. We knew before my daughter was born that she was going to probably not make it to a live birth. When we told my mil that, she asked if I had the option to terminate. I told her that it wasn’t an option for me. I can’t do that. She then tells me, “How selfish can you be? You are only thinking of yourself and not anyone else, especially the baby. Not thinking of her pain that she will be in and how much she will suffer.” I got very sick after that because of those mean and hateful words that I will never forget. My husband tells me that she didn’t mean it like that, and she was only trying to be helpful. Sometimes the best way to be helpful is to say nothing at all. Let me deal with it the way I want and need to, not how you think I should be. Our society is horrible with it trying to surpress grief like it is nothing and that everything is the same… it isn’t. Take your time to grieve. Tell them how hurtful their words are so that they don’t keep hurting you. You don’t need to feel that way on top of everything else. Tell them it isn’t helping you heal and grieve. If they truly mean well with those words, then they will take that in stride and realize how that has hurt you.
As wonderful as my mom is – and she’s great – it’s my aunt I have this awful silent bond with. She’s the one that understands, because she lost her 17 yr old son about 15 years ago. Her cards and phone calls are the ones that speak to who I am now.
As much as I love ALL my family, I am glad – like you – that they don’t understand. And I’ve repeated that mantra to myself 1000s of times the last 4 years. It comes from a good place…..It comes from a good place….It comes from a good place.
To every understanding doctor or health care proffesional I always say “They just don’t understand and I am so happy that they don’t”. Your words are so true.