Guest Post by Amie
Being pregnant a third time is supposed to be harder than the first, and most definitely harder than the second with less time to rest, chasing around your other small children while waddling a big belly, but that is not the case if you do not have living children. I had no idea how I would handle my third pregnancy after losing the first baby to miscarriage at ten weeks and then my sweet girl, Ruthie Lou at 33 days old.
How do you have faith in your body and the world when it has deceived you twice already?
After my miscarriage, I was devastated. I had always feared I wouldn’t be able to have children and I felt so alone suffering the loss of the baby I would never know. Shortly after, I found myself pregnant again with our sweet girl who showed me I could carry a baby to term, I could bear children. During my pregnancy with Ruthie Lou, it took time to settle in with the thought that we “might actually have this baby” as I often told my husband. As the pregnancy progressed everything felt normal, her tests and ultrasounds always came back perfect because she was just that, perfect.
On the day of her birth it was quickly realized that something was not right although every body part was fully formed it was discovered my sweet girl was born with chromosomal abnormalities leaving her unable to survive in this world. We lived her final days in peace as a family in a Children’s House, slept with her next to us and held her every minute of the day until she left us and we had to say goodbye. I can still feel her little booty in my hands, her thick auburn hair more than any baby I have known and see the sweet curl of her smile. Her energy was larger than life and while it never really felt like her feet hit the Earth, she selflessly gave a lifetime of love to me and her dad.
Three months later we found ourselves open to the possibility of a brother or sister entering our family. It was and continues to be a scary thought but we were parents and once you know that love, it cannot be denied. So here we are, missing our sweet girl with all we have while preparing our hearts to be open to loving a new little one But as the days turned to weeks, turned into months, we found love is undeniable.
I fell in love with this little guy at the sight of the “plus” sign, his picture on the ultrasound screen, his first kicks felt and every time my belly bounces with his energy. He is a special baby, I am sure. He chose us, he chose our “special” family and we are so grateful for him.
There are so many things to consider when you are pregnant and whether it is the first, third or tenth pregnancy those considerations do not change.
It seems as though people will ask you these “innocent” questions whether it is their business or not and especially if your baby has died. Will we find out gender, do genetic testing, have a baby shower, decorate his room?
All questions that have different answers depending on the day or mood that I am in. We found out gender, we needed to be emotionally prepared. We did not do invasive genetic testing, although I long to know the answer, having suffered a miscarriage, I could not bear to take the chance of something happening to him. We JUST unpacked Ruthie Lou’s hospital suitcase nine months after our return home without her. I am JUST getting started moving his sisters things out of the dresser and so the bedroom is becoming less hers and more his. As far as a baby shower, I cant imagine reliving that day until he is physically in my arms, so we are leaning towards a welcoming ceremony when he arrives. But all of this has been a process and while others want to speed it along, we are just fine in the amount of time it is taking us.
Being pregnant is such a beautiful miracle. I still feel that way 95% of the time. The other 5% finds me reliving a car accident but hoping for a different result this time. It is so hard to walk this journey again but I do it for Ruthie Lou, I do it for her brother. Feeling this special little boy move, wiggle and squirm, in my belly is my greatest joy these days and quickly reminds me of the little girl that once occupied that same space and wondering, did she move like that? Should I have know that something was wrong?
It is so hard to have faith that everything is ok and not knowing if it truly is. But the one lesson of thousands that our sweet girl taught us was TO LIVE and TO LOVE. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. and so that is now my mantra.
I do not know the outcome of this pregnancy, I pray each day to hold him in my arms but until I have that privilege, my job as his mama is to provide him with as much love as I can and I am certain I am capable of that.
So until he is in my arms, until Ruthie Lou’s little brother is born, I walk in LOVE, I walk in the FAITH that one cannot see but only feel in your heart. I walk for Ruthie Lou, I walk for her brother, her dad and for me. I am living each day because she cannot.