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These days, memories of Bella’s loss come back to me in fragmented flashbacks. A lot of these memories sneak up on my unexpectedly and involve the hurtful things ‘they did wrong’ Every now and again though, my heart swells with a memory of what someone did right.
I vividly remember the drive home from the hospital. The sun shining too brightly, seemingly mocking me and the darkness welling up in my soul. When I arrived home I wrapped myself in blankets, closed all the curtains, and hid away on our living room couch where the flood gates could open and I could cry my river of tears freely. Each time I’d come out of the darkness to check the dinging of a cell phone or the notification of an email message they’d be filled with kind yet empty request to assist us:
“What do you need?”
“How can I help?”
“What can I do?”
I’d ignore each of these messages though because there were so many of them and I honestly just didn’t know what I needed. I was mentally drained and I didn’t want to think about my needs. All I could think about was how much I wanted my baby. I wanted our life together as a family. I wanted anything but the hell I was living through. None of them could give me those things – so I left their calls to help unanswered.
Then it came. A kind gesture so small, but one that will forever be imprinted on my heart. The friend who simply sent the message, “Can we bring you dinner tonight?” I looked up at the clock only to realize it had been over 24 hours since I had eaten anything at all. Why yes, I thought. Food would be lovely. “Yes,” I replied. “Bring us anything you’d like”.
She even researched my gluten allergy and arrived a few hours later with a warm dish of Tuna Noodle Casserole – lovingly made with brown rice pasta and white rice flour. ” Put this in the oven for 20 minutes at 350 and you’ll be all set,” she said. Neither of us had ever had tuna noodle casserole before, but our famished bellies were ready to consume just about anything.
It was delicious.
That bowl of comfort food did exactly what it was intended to do. It brought me the promise that even in the face of darkness I could still find kindness in others, I could still live a well nourished life, and I could actually smile again.
Now, we make Tuna Noddle often in our house. I find I cook it on days when I need to lift my spirits and I need to be gentle on my soul. That single meal now brings me fond memories of my first baby girl, the kindness of those who were willing to help us out in our time of greatest need, and the friends who were bold enough to take charge and offer us specific guidance as they remembered her with us.
It’s these small vivid memories of kindness that I cling to when my grief unexpectedly strikes and are what I encourage you to remember today. What kind gestures, no matter how small, do you remember following your loss? Do any of them still bring you comfort when you are having a particularly down day? I’d love for you to share ‘the things they did right’ with me today in the comments below. Let’s celebrate the kindness of others and the little unexpected gestures that allow us to smile through our pain.
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About Beryl
My work and my friends got together and raised enough money to cover the cost of our childrens tombstone. My best friend came over and sat with me as I went through my daughters memory box because I felt so desperate to share a piece of her with someone and cried right alongside me. I had a lot of people who told me how beautiful she was who told me how strong i was. Daily my mom would come over and bring me something to eat or something to drink and just sit there while I talked to her. There were people in our lives that didnt understand or just told me i could always have another one, but for every bad person i experienced there was someone good right there along the way. many people just listened and at times that was the best thing for me.
Wow Miranda. That is truly special. Thank you for sharing this. xo.
The day I lost my son, I called my best friend who lives 8 hrs away. I told her that instead of finding out the baby’s gender at my 20 week scan we found out our son’s heart had stopped beating a few short days before and we had no idea. She cried with me and told me she loved me. She then made the 7 hr trek to her mom’s house to drop off her girls, then drove another 4 hours to get to me. She sat with me for 2 hours before driving back to her parents. It meant so much to me that she came all that way for 2 hours just to give me a hug and sit with me.
I love this story. What an amazingly supportive best friend to have. xo.
My best friend arranged dinners to be brought to us for almost 2 weeks. It was so nice to not have to worry about food. My sister took the photos that I cherish of our little boy. The church let us hold his memorial service free of charge and loaned us decorations also. Friends and family pitched in and helped pay for the flowers and things there. My best friend would go on walks with me and let me talk about anything and cry. She still supports me. I am blessed by the people in my life. Truly blessed.
The food thing was such a sticking point for me too. Not having to cook was so nice. And I am glad you are blessed with such an amazing support network. xo.
one of my close teacher friends came to see us just a few short days after kenny’s birth. she was eager to see our pictures of him – the ones we feared no one would want to look at. she thought he was beautiful. and she gave me a necklace with a pendant that has a K engraved on the front, and his birthday on the back, that she and 5 other close teacher friends had gone in together to get. it was one of my most cherished pieces of jewelry, and i wear it often.
Those friends who are willing to simply be there and listen are such a gift. xo.
My sister made us meals to go in the freezer so we had proper food that we could just pop in the oven to warm up. She brought us so much that my freezer was full and it must have taken her a full day of cooking meals for us. And friends of ours got together and bought a rose bush for Isaacs grave, it is the most beautiful pale yellow colour with miniature flowers and it was very unexpected.
Those unexpected acts of kindness are the ones I think are so unforgettable. Glad you had a few of those after your loss. xo.
When we lost our son, a group of women from an online forum (Charlotte Mommies) became our “fairies,” leaving meals, books, gifts, toys for our living daughter, and sweet notes on our porch almost daily for several weeks. They did it anonymously, pre-empting any need to send each a thank you note, although I did get to “bust” a few if we were coming and going when they were. Five years later and I still can’t thank them enough. I hadn’t known them for more than a few months, but I’m ever grateful and touched by what they did for us.
Oh I love this Nancy. The idea of having magical fairies coming to leave gifts in our time of need is simply inspiring. xo.
The best thing a few friends did for us was to reach out to us, rather than wait for us to ask. In those first weeks, it was impossible to ask for anything. We will never forget the people who “forced” themselves on us (in the words of one of the friends). The night we returned from the hospital after loosing our two boys in December, my dearest friend brought enough food for a week. It made taking care of ourselves a little bit easier. She called me every day, crying, laughing, listening and talking…whatever I needed. She stayed with my on the day my husband returned to work. One of the most meaningful things she did and continues to do is say the names of my boys, Wren and Noah and never hesitates to talk about them. Honestly, I don’t know what we would have done without her love and support, then and now.
Those people who just DO without asking are amazing right? I certainly needed people to force themselves on me — I couldn’t think straight for months, it’s just a trying time. xo.
My friend lets me hide, while texting me every few days to let me know she’s thinking about me. She’s offered to grocery shop and bring us dinner. She lets me know it’s ok to hide, but when I’m ready she’ll help move the rocks. The thing that lets me know she cares the most–she texted my husband to make sure HE is ok and HIM know she’s there.
Sometimes we don’t need the big stuff – those little texts are the best because at least you know there is someone who cares and someone you can call on when you’re ready. xo.
There were so many people who rallied to bring us food and get us through those first few days and weeks. I was surprised by a few friends and acquaintences who sent memorial jewelry, which was so thoughtful and unexpected. I was touched by all of the donations in my daughter’s name to Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, who did our beautiful photographs after she unexpectedly died during childbirth. But I think the gesture that has surprised me the most is that every month, for eight months, a friend texts me on the 11th (the date of her birth) to see if I’m okay. She is a new mom herself and knows that each month milestone is a big deal, and the fact that she remembers us each time is so meaningful. I also have an aunt who sends a card eachmonth to let us know she’s thinking of us; it is so good to know we are not forgotten. And like Anne wrote, every time someone says her name I smile inside because it so rare and such a precious gift to me. Finally, all of the cards I got on Mother’s Day made a very difficult day easier to handle; just being recognized as a Mom was very special to me. Thank you for the post on focusing on the wonderful support that is there.
I love that monthly text idea. Sometimes EVERYONE wants to reach out when our loss is fresh, but to have that constant support consistently is truly a blessing.xo.
I’ve been blessed over the past months with countless people who “did things right.” We had meals delivered to our home for almost two weeks straight. I had text messages that said “I love you and I’m praying for you.” A gal from church who ran into us at the gas station, who gave us a big hug, cried, and said “I don’t know what else to say” – rather than trying to fill an empty conversation with platitudes. I ran into a woman I didn’t even know, who recognized my name and said, “oh! I know you. I’ve been praying for you. I’m so sorry.” A good friend sent a bouquet of purple flowers, because purple is my favorite color. My coworkers gave us the money to put in most of our memory garden. Our funeral home gave us our funeral at cost. A friend who dropped off a small sewing basket while I was in the hospital to keep my anxious fingers busy. A big hug from a mentor who said nothing more than “our babies are in heaven together.” A widow from our church who sent us a generous check with a note that said, “I know how expensive things can get. use this to do something nice for yourselves.” A friend with a little one who said, “I think twice before I yell at my son or get frustrated with him, because you’ve taught me how valuable little people are.”
The loss of my son has taught me how valuable the body of Christ is, and how precious it is when it works the way God intends it to.
I love that last one you shared. That your story is teaching others how to be more patient, kind, and loving to their own living children. Beautiful. xo.
So many women shared their stories of baby loss with me. Some had lost babies when I was a child, and one lady spoke of a baby that would have been my mother’s age had it lived… they made me see I could survive.
Cards and flowers were nice, but became overwhelming. I still can’t bear white lilies we received so many. So when someone sent purple roses instead that was great. Plus they came with their own vase which was just brilliant as every vase in the house, plus jugs, pint glasses and even the mop bucket were full of the blasted lilies!!!
I too heard so many stories of heartache and pain and loss after our loss. It helped to know I was not alone. xo.
I just love this post so much. My brother was 16 years old when he committed suicide. Obviously, so many people, from his school, our family, and friends, were asking what they could do to help. Suicide was such a different type of death, that it left people very confused as to what to say or do to help us with our grief. Everyone tried to help as best as they could, but to this day, my Mom and I reflect on one special little girl.
We had never met her prior to my brother’s death; we didn’t even know her name. Sad to say, we still don’t. However, she just showed up at our house the day of the funeral, and spent the entire day in the kitchen. When we were all getting ready to leave for the funeral, she looked around the house (seeing coffee mugs and snack plates littered throughout the family room), she said she would stay behind and tidy up while we go to the funeral. This was a 16 YEAR OLD girl!
Obviously, I will NEVER forget this young lady. Actually, she had an impact on my life. I have such a passion for helping those grieving, that I started my own business http://www.RememberMeGiftBoutique.com. My mission is simple, to help those grieving while promoting Suicide Prevention and Awareness!
I would be honored if anyone would allow me to share your story on my blog! Please post comment below, and I will contact you.
Thank you Still Standing Magazine for your amazing quest of healing!
This is such an inspiring story – at 16 she just stepped in to help take your pain away. Lovely. I am totally ok with you sharing my story above on your blog. Feel free to head over to my website and contact me if you want to use it .xo.
I belonged to a local MOPS group when we learned that my twins died in utero. They brought meals a couple of days a week for about month. My MIL flew down to Phoenix from Chicago and stayed with us for about 3 weeks to help with the kids. Some people from our church also brought some meals and offered babysitting. One couple sent us to a retreat center for a night so that we could go and cry and be alone for a day. They provided all our meals as well. The funeral home donated their services to us. The cemetery gave us a plot for the boys. Donations poured in for a stone. Thank you for helping me remember all the kind gestures. In the midst of darkness it is hard to see the good. I often find myself dwelling on the stupid comments. Thank you for this opportunity to focus on the good that people have don and continue to do for us. I truly have wonderful friends…and most of those that helped, were strangers that I never met before losing my little Jacob and Blaise.
Thank YOU for sharing these moments of kindness. I love hearing them all. xo.
There have been many good things that people have done for me. Today is the last day they would have taken my sons had they made it this far and already I’ve felt an outpouring of love. My husband’s cousin sent us a note yesterday letting us know she was thinking of us and our precious little boys- she reminded me that they weren’t forgotten. Today and a few weeks ago, the people that were pregnant with me let me share pictures of my sons and continually comment on how beautiful everyone in them is. I have friends who have been through it before, so their experiences have been a guiding light.
Friends who know this path of loss are a special gift. Just knowing someone close who understands this pain makes all the difference. I’m glad you have that support system. xo.
Several people brought food that first week after my son died. It seemed like when the week was over people disappeared. Then one day during week 3, I came home to find a People magazine and a 6-pk of Diet Mountain Dew sitting on my front porch with a card. A friend letting me know she was thinking of me and praying. I will never forget that simple gesture
I love that kind act a few weeks later. It is true that the support can dwindle after the first week or so wears off. I am sure it was nice to know someone was still there weeks later thinking of you guys. xo.
It has been almost a year since I lost my son, I still get notes from friends occasionally telling me they are still praying. The most touching note I received was from a young man that I do not know nor did my son know, but he told me he was going to work at a camp for children for the summer in honor of my son and to carry on his legacy of working with kids. I can’t tell you how much that touched me to know that my son who touched so many is not forgotten.
I absolutely loved getting the random notes from mere strangers too. Something about my daughter’s life reaching more than just my inner circle makes all the difference. xo.
While I did receive a great deal of love and kindness in the days after we lost our daughter, the most amazing gesture actually came a few months later around her due date. By then most of the world had moved on, and circumstances beyond control were conspiring to make it an already difficult time practically unbearable. When I woke up the morning of her due date with the flu it was the tipping point – I came home early from work and curled up in bed feeling miserable, defeated, and completely alone.
That afternoon the doorbell rang and my husband came into the bedroom holding a beautiful bouquet of flowers. They were from one of my very dearest friends on what she knew would be a very dark day. I was totally in shock – I knew she didn’t have a lot of extra to go around, and her own son was turning a year old at the same time. I took a lot of pictures of the flowers and pressed some of them into books in our memory box, but I don’t need any of those things to remember that gesture and what it meant to me. Just knowing that someone out there was remembering with us gave me permission to grieve out loud with at least one person. And it made all the difference.
I too had a very similar experience. On our Bella’s due date a group of coworkers pitched in and bought us an edible arrangement. I didn’t even know they remembered when her due date was. I was floored and so very grateful. xo.
I a friend invited me and my 5 children for dinner in the middle of the week on a school night after just 2 weeks I had given birth to my silent baby Lily. My husband works evening shifts so I was alone with the kids, trying to recover from giving birth and greiving. I wasn’t sure I should go but thought my kids would be pleased and it might make me feel better… I am so thankful my friend was not scared of my big family and she and her husband and children opened their hearts and home to us. We also were given an amount of money collected at my husband’s work place and it touched me that people were so generous…
That is such a sweet story. Thanks so much for sharing it. xo.
We were so blessed to receive meals every night for several weeks from family and friends. An anonymous couple from our church also paid for half of our son’s funeral costs which was so generous. Another lady who heard of our loss sent me a letter and $50 to buy a special keepsake in memory of our boy. She too had lost a child and understood some of what we were going through. It is important to remember the kind gifts and gestures of others through the painful memories.
Those are some really nice, special gestures Emma. Thank you so much for sharing them. xo.
One of my friends used all the pictures we posted on Facebook and sent via text to make us a photo album of our beautiful baby girl. That meant so much to me.
The kindest gesture that stands out is a short while after Corbin passed, I received a package in the mail. When I opened in had two necklaces; one open circle with both my boy’s names on it, then a second wing shaped pendent with Corbin’s name and a little pearl. I just cried and cried because it was so perfect. It was just what I needed from three Williams Syndrome moms that I had never met but who loved me and Corbin. I was especially touched by the pearls that were added to the necklaces. At first I thought they did that on purpose since my blog is ‘The Pearl in the Oyster”, but then I realized that is just what the company (Vintage Pearl) does. But none the less, seeing the pearl really touched me and was that much more personal.
We also received dinners, paper plates, plastic cups, napkins, coffee, and plastic utensils from family. The disposable dinnerware was really the most helpful, as were the dinners. I didn’t realize how much I needed them until they showed up at our door. I will never forget that knock on the door, full of love and gentle hugs.