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I sat in a group at Haven of Hope a few Saturdays ago, surrounded by women who had mostly experienced recent losses. The rain was covering us in a soft roar against the windows on the third floor of this life-size doll house. We talked about our children, our families’ reactions and expectations, our faith and a lot more.
Something in the conversation came up about how much we have changed. It was quiet. The questions were not easy to answer, but I have a feeling we all had answers screaming inside of us.
“I miss the innocence I lost.” I said.
I quickly explained that I am now expecting our third child, and while I miss my daughter more than words can even begin to tell you, the loss of innocence is deafening.
Something about watching your own child take her last breath, and struggle even getting to death’s door – it changes you to the core. It changes you in ways you never dreamed and in ways you are sometimes too ashamed to admit to someone who doesn’t fully understand the loss of a child.
I miss innocence in a lot of things after losing Jenna, but today I miss it desperately in pregnancy. Even though everything seems to be going smoothly so far, just knowing how much could go wrong is enough to make me go crazy somedays. I want to be that naive old me. The me that didn’t think twice about loss during our first pregnancy. The me that didn’t know anything about the 24 week viability mark, but rather focused on making it to the 12 week mark because that is when you are supposedly ‘safe’. The me that was daydreaming about raising a little girl, and picking out outfits and shoes. The me that thought child birth would be the most painful experience I would ever endure. I had no idea that I would not only be robbed early of this pregnancy but that I would also bury her before ever reaching her due date.
Life can be cruel.
I struggle with building up our nursery-to-be with baby things just yet. I struggle with letting myself get excited. I struggle with reading ahead on babycenter updates. What if we never make it to the next week? I even struggle relating to other pregnant mamas at times in conversation. I don’t care about the nausea, the tiredness, the back aches, the weight gain, etc.
I just want to hold my living baby.
Seeing how this will most likely be our last child, I am trying my best (by the sheer grace of God) to let go of that fear and dare to let joy seep in where it truly belongs. Day by day. Moment by moment.
What if this is all we get with this baby?
I want to know that I savored every last moment.
If you are expecting after loss, how are you handling the pregnancy? For those of you who have welcomed your rainbow child(ren) already, what got you through?
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About Franchesca
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Franchesca, Thank you for your post this morning. It hit home with me. I was just saying to my friend the other day that I wish I could be a naive pregnant woman and not armed with all the knowledge I have today. With my first pregnancy, I exhaled at week 12. At week 16 I was looking so ahead to my baby’s arrival. I knew things could go wrong later on in pregnancy, but that was “so rare” after week 12 that I was counting the day’s to hold my baby. At week 19 we found out it was a boy and my biggest worry was that he wouldn’t love me since I was a girl. (silly, I know, but I got happier when I remembered that I was the one that would get a special dance at his wedding with him….all of these thoughts took place in the Dr’s office. lol) At week 20 and 2 days, my son, Ethan, was born an Angel. (And I too, didn’t understand viability. I said to the nurse, “So I will be delivering my son tonight and you will take him to the NICU?” She replied that my son would not be born alive. The shock I already started to feel, completely swallowed me whole.)
And here I am today, starting my 21st week with Ethan’s sister. I have been on bed rest since week 16 and a cerclage at week 12. (which fell out 3 weeks ago and had to be replaced). I literally have only “enjoyed” this pregnancy for 2 days out of 21 weeks. I know too much that can happen. I know too well the devastation of a loss and lay here terrified. I am due Dec 3rd, but based on my cervical issues, my Dr said he will be thankful if we can get to week 28. My milestones are so different this time around. I wanted to get through week 20, and we did. Our next goal is week 24 when I can get the steroid shot which will promote her lung growth, and than we want to get to week 28. Anything after that will be a blessing, but I can’t focus that far ahead, my crazy-ness would change to insane if I look that far down the road.
Yes, I would give anything to have my only worry be back aches, sickness, etc. I would give anything to not worry about every change and pain that I am experincing. (Thank God for my wonderful OB/GYN office that take such good care of me and my worry.)
Best of luck and wishes to you on this journey. It is comforting to know more women that feel the same way, although I wish we didn’t need too. Truly, email me anytime at all if you want. (If my email doesn’t show up, you can just post a reply and I will post it for you.) My prayers are with you, as are my thoughts.
Oh my heart goes out to you JennRose. I am so sorry for your loss, wishing so much none of us knew what viability meant- or any of these things. Wishing you all best, and prayers too for your new little bundle of joy. I hope you have plenty of movies and great books to keep you busy on bed rest
I did a few weeks of bed rest with both of our previous babies and I know that is anything but easy!
Thank you so much for the offer to email too!!! Feel free to send me an email anytime too, I know that need to just vent!
big hugs xx
Praying for you today.
Everything you wrote is so so very true. When we decided to have children, we got pregnant the first time we tried, had an uneventful pregnancy (I am sure I complained about being tired, heartburn, the usual). My son was born healthy in 2003. We decided we would like our children to be 4 years apart, so started trying when our son was 3. It took us 8 long months to get pregnant (and I thought that was just the worst thing that could ever happen to us)! At my first ultrasound we found a degraded egg sac, a miscarriage. I had a D&C right away as we wanted to try again. We were so happy to get pregnant within 6 months. Again at my first appointment, I had an empty womb. The tests all said I was pregnant, but I had a very early loss, so waited to miscarry on my own, which I did on St. Patty’s Day in 2008. In January of 2009 we were thrilled to be pregnant again, and we were SURE that we would not lose a baby, third times a charm, right?! All my appointments went well, until around week 20, where no heartbeat could be detected. The feeling of that moment when the Dr. is frantically searching all over my stomach for any sign of life is so very hard to describe. Our baby was gone and had been gone for a few weeks as my body was already trying to rid the pregnancy – they couldn’t tell on ultrasound if it was a boy or a girl. So, I carry the guilt around of how I could NOT have known that my baby was gone before that appointment. The next day we had another ultrasound just to be sure and then we went to deliver our baby in the hospital. We had another boy we named Aidan in April of 2009, six years to the day of the week we had our first living son, at the very same hospital. God sure does work in mysterious ways. We were able to hold our stillborn son, kiss him, pray over him, cry over him. He had a very long umbilical cord (as my first son did) and it was knotted and tied around his tiny neck. It was a very lonely place for our husband and I to be and still is looking back and still dealing with it today. We both didn’t want to try anymore, and pretty much had given up in mind, but not in our hearts. I always felt like I was going to be a mother again to a living child. I also felt that if we NEVER tried again, we would NEVER have another child. If we tried again, at least there was a chance, no matter how slim, that we would have another child join our family. In May of 2010 we learned that we were expecting. I pretty much stayed in denial the almost entire pregnancy. We did not decorate a nursery, have a theme, didn’t take but one picture of me pregnant, didn’t want a baby shower,e tc. You just don’t want to put yourself out there again. After three emergency visits to the hospital during the pregnancy, ultrasounds showing he might have a heart defect, etc. , our son was born in January of 2011 – perfectly healthy and just turning 18 months old, he still is. I an truly say that my husband and our first son got me through. I can so relate to how naive you said you were and listening to other pregnant mommas complain (even though it’s normal)! I will keep you in prayer for a safe and healthy delivery! As hard as it is, try to savor every moment! Best wishes to you and your family!!!
Oh my word Michelle, just tears.. What a bittersweet journey. Thank you so much for sharing with me your story, your beautiful children and your hope. It helps more than I can put into words.
xxxx
I get through one day at a time, with the help of God, and with the support of other women pregnant with their rainbow. Its so hard to talk to people about being pregnant, the ones that know my history (a full term stillborn son due to a cord accident) insist that everything is going well this time so it will turn out well (everything was perfect last time, until it wasn’t). The ones that don’t know my history I feel conflicted in how to answer their “innocent” questions. I’m 31 weeks now and have 8 weeks to go til my induction and it just gets scarier.
Sending prayers as you get so close, I know the last stretch must be the hardest for you. Hoping and praying these next few weeks go by quickly. Lots of love xx
Megan, I have a similar story. My daughter was stillborn at full term after an uneventful pregnancy. We don’t know why she died… I’m almost 20 weeks with baby #2 and have such a mix of emotions, so much fear. It drives me nuts when others say that “everything will be fine this time” as everything was just fine last time, until she died. Sometimes I wish people kept their remarks to themselves!
Hang in there!!!
Thank you for this post. We have just started ttc after our son was stillborn at 39 weeks. We are glad to have the medical go-ahead to try again and we’re looking forward to fulfilling our dream of a big family. But we’d rather not be ttc, all at the same time, because it reminds us that our baby died. TTC doesn’t remove the pain and we will be on pins and needles right to the end. So many things you said put my thoughts into words. Thank you. When I tell people I need to enjoy every minute of my next pregnancies because that might be all I have, I’m not being pessimistic, I’m being realistic. And, although with a lot of fear and anxiety, I, too, will choose to treasure each moment.
Oh yes. It is hard to explain to people, I get those silent responses and weird looks when I say that to people too. Wishing you all the best on your journey to TTC, and filling your dream with a big family
Xx fran
I am now 17 weeks pregnant with my rainbow and just like you’ve written I have longed for the carefree pregnancy I have experienced before my loss. I still haven’t aloud myself to relax and bond with this baby I just fear every day that something will go wrong. It’s very tough xxx
(((hugs))) It really is. Hoping for an uneventful pregnancy for you, and a sweet baby to hold soon.
xxxx
I, too, long for the days of innocence regarding pregnancy and birth. Noel’s pregnancy was easy with no complications until she was born not breathing. She never took a breath; that was in April 2011. January this year, I became pregnant with my rainbow baby, Natalie. At 15 weeks, there was no heartbeat…..I am terrified of losing another, but I know I will see my precious girls again one day!
I am so sorry for both of your losses Alyssa, sending big hugs!!
This could have been written by me. I’m 28 weeks pregnant again. I struggle with wanting to embrace every second of the pregnancy while being terrified at the same time. My husband and I just started working on our nursery again, I actually just wrote a blog post about it yesterday. When Peyton was born sleeping at 33 weeks we had to come home and pack away his nursery… it’s something you just can’t explain to someone who hasn’t been there. You ask how I deal with it? The same as all of us I’d imagine, day by day, reassuring kick by reassuring kick. Not a day goes by that I’m not scared of this little boy inside of my going silent, but there’s also excitement, there’s also my belief that he will come home. I see other babies born healthy and I just think “That’s what normally happens, it’s my turn, he will come home.”
That is exactly what I think too, that *that* is what’s supposed to happen, maybe things will be alright this time. And I hope they really are- for both of us. Sending big hugs and prayers for a healthy, uneventful pregnancy.
This is exactly what I feel every single day! I am at 32 weeks with this baby girl, but I still know things could happen so I live in a constant fear. Every time she moves or kicks I silently say a little thank you prayer. I have 3 angels in heaven and one precious boy here on Earth. I cannot wait for him to have a sister, but the fear holds me down sometimes. Glad to know I’m not alone in the feeling of innocence lost! Thank you for this post today. I needed it!
I said these words just days after I lost my identical twin girls, “I feel like the last thread of innocence has been cut, lost forever.”
I can relate to everything you just said. I am pregnant for a third time (fourth child) and am currently 26 weeks. I was a NICU nurse for years before I ever had my firstborn. The sad thing for me after I lost my twins was that I DID know about the viability age. I KNEW that pregnancies didn’t always go smoothly and I KNEW that babies died but still, I thought that was something that happened to others. And then it happened to me. That last thread of innocence…
I am a planner (mega-planner)! Before my twins, the nursery would have been done weeks ago. The only thing in the nursery is furniture. And all those totes and boxes we need to clean out because we started using that room as a storage space. What I have learned is that I need to go at my own pace. It’s going to be a struggle. Every part of this is. But its those baby steps we took in those early days of grief and shock that we need to continue to take now.
Totally gave me shivers today. As I am 30 weeks with our third boy…this one our rainbow baby. Our c-section is scheduled in 9 weeks and I’m counting down the days. Our second son Benny died after an uneventful pregnancy 40 weeks and birth due to severe brain damage he encountered sometime during his birth (everyone was very unaware). I’ve seen so many friends through uneventful first and second births and I’m still stunned by how joyful I am for them and how filled with anxiety I still am for this next birth of ours. I wait for each movement now, I strive to be more healthy now, I cry more often now…things are just different. We’ve never experienced true innocence as we miscarried, had a full term child (now 3), lost a full term child, had two more miscarriages and now are on our third pregnancy. It’s all been a long journey for us, but I do still feel an excitement to meet this new gift. He’s special and gives me hope.
I commented just the other day that most women enjoy their pregnancies, but for me it is a time of stress and fear. The joy that I have in knowing that I have this new little growing in me is quickly replaced with “What if the same thing happens again”? I have lost 4 children and have been blessed to raise 5. Of the 4 I lost, 1 was ectopic, 1 was a miscarriage, and the last 2 were missed miscarriages. For some reason, my body didn’t let go either time and a routine early ultrasound found no heartbeat. We buried our last child in February; I was 11 weeks and 5 days but the baby had passed 2 weeks earlier. It’s all so scary how your child can pass and you have no inclination that anything wrong has even happened. I’m currently 7 weeks pregnant and praying praying praying that it doesn’t happen again, but only time will tell and only God knows, so I continue to try and trust Him, knowing He knows best, but not understanding any of this.
Thank you for the post, this is so true.
I am almost 36 weeks and lost my little man, Mattiaus, at 11.5 months last August. At our 20 week ultrasound, Mattiaus was diagnosed with congenital diagphragmatic hernia. That was April 27, 2010 and I still remember what I was wearing. That was what I thought was my worst day. We carried on with the pregnancy, knowing his chances of survival were somewhere around 60%. We spent 3 months in the NICU, a month in children’s hospital PICU, and a second surgery last June. He was doing so well, once they a discharged from the NICU you are supposed to be “in the clear”. Little did we know that on August 6 our miracle would take his last breath, at home with his momma and daddy. That night still haunts me and expect it will for some time, like forever.
Many times throughout this pregnancy I have wished to be naive, worry about nursery colors and themes, not counting movements like crazy sometimes, or going to fetal assestment consistently asking is the baby is good, or crying at the thought of having to wash Mattiaus’ clothing for his little brother because they still have his smell. I really try not to think about everything all at once, it is too overwhelming. But that’s hard too, August 6 is one year since we said goodbye, August 24 is Mattiaus’ second birthday and August 25 is my due date. What a month! Emotionally taxing, not to mention these hormones too.
I really try to focus on what a gift we have been given, how lucky we are to be Mattiaus’ parents, and what he taught us about life & love. And know that without Mattiaus we wouldnt be able to love his little brother as much as we do and will, enjoying every moment with him, knowing just how precious life can be.
Angela,
I know you wrote this weeks ago & I am hoping this finds you well. I am an auntie to a much loved Rainbow baby who came 2 years after his big brother passed away, so I understand a little bit about the anxiety of that next pregnancy and that desire for innocence lost to return…
You said, and I can see, that August is a tough month for you so I am just a stranger popping in to send you some love and support. I hope & pray the August 6th was a gentle day for you–a day where you could remember the blessings Mattiaus gave you just because he is your child. Perhaps your new bundle will surprise you by coming on big brother’s birthday so that they always have something special to share, but as the 25th is my birthday, I am rather biased towards that date.
I just wanted you to know a stranger is thinking of you this month & is hoping and praying with & for you for a safe and healthy delivery of your Rainbow baby.
xo~Mary
PS~If you haven’t already washed Mattiaus’ things, I would highly recommend saving back at least one favorite outfit and/or blankie/stuffed animal that carries his sent and keeping those items as just his–perhaps sealing them in ziplock bags to retain the scent. His little brother will be blessed by all his other items, but a few things should remain just his. My sister-in-law did this & it was very special. xo
PAL is def a rocky road to travel. It has ups and downs and I remember being worried, anxious, nervous, scared, esp w/ my 1st rainbow preg. I didn’t want to have to lose another child. During my 2nd rainbow preg when I was closer to the end my sister lost her daughter at 17 wks. Another strong reminder that we weren’t guaranteed another day with our baby.
I feel like with each loss I’ve lost more of my innocence. I still had a little left after that first early miscarriage. I had a little left after we lost our daughter at 21 weeks. I had less and less as I took daily shots, steroids, etc. that didn’t save my next three children.
Five losses in all. Two boys, two girls, and one early miscarriage. For no apparent reason. I didn’t just lose my innocence or confidence in pregnancy. I lost my innocence and confidence in the world….it is a harder place to be now.
I am pregnant with our eighth child, and only our first two survived. I feel like all I can do is enjoy each day/week that I have with this one…and not hope too much that I will get to hold him or her healthy in my arms, just love what time I have.
Oh Kristy, I am so sorry for your losses.
Thank you for this… I was just on here yesterday, looking and hoping that I had missed a post somewhere to find comfort in the post-loss pregnancy. I’m still so early in this journey…
We lost Norah to a knot in her cord on New Years Eve…9 days before her due date. We were stunned and heartbroken. We cherish every moment with her big sister, Claire, especially now that we fully understand how precious our children are. We waited exactly six months to try, and we’re immediately successful. I am 6 1/2 weeks pregnant now. I feel like I am holding my breath. Waiting, wondering, praying, hoping, that we will get to keep this precious gift, and balancing the knowledge that we might not. This baby was prayed for and hoped for since before conception. I have prayed for peace and guidance and His perfect timing. I’m doing like the rest of you… Taking it day by day and moment by moment.
Thank you for sharing. Many thoughts and prayers for all of you mommas on this path.
We lost our daughter at 11w2d in 2010 and our son at 18w2d in 2011. Christmas Day we found out we were pregnant again, for the third time, and we were terrified. The idea of possibly losing a third baby was excruciating. It wasn’t knowing that my baby could die that made it so hard, it was knowing all the things that could happen to my baby. All the research I had done and all the stories of other loss mommas haunted me, especially in the first several months.
Around 12 weeks, I saw a pair of baby Chuck Taylor’s at Kohls. I cried in the middle of the store because I wanted them sooo bad, but I was still too scared to buy something for a baby that might not live. I convinced myself to buy them because even if the baby didn’t make it, at least I would have something tangible that belonged to him. When I got home, I stared at those shoes and the pictures of our first two babies. I thought about the excitement and love that surrounded those two, even though their time here was so short. I realized that’s all any baby needs/wants and regardless of whether our baby made it so many weeks or so many years, my job was to love him. That was the turning point in this pregnancy. It’s been hard, but I’ve taken it one day at a time, considering each new day a gift to be celebrated. Today we are 33w5d and a month into bed rest. I’m extremely anxious for his arrival but still determined to enjoy each day as it comes.
So true…I am fighting fear with the truth of the Lord and holding onto His promises I know are true.
we went for our 20 week scan today (this is rainbow baby) and although I was trying my hardest to be brave i expected the worst. ppl wanted to know the sex, i wanted to know my baby had a heartbeat. It is a veryyyyyy hard uphill battle. Take it day by day, moment by moment if you have too.
I try to think of the odd’s of it happening again and the fact that i’ve came so far. Hugs
My rainbow baby was born almost 4 months ago. What got me through? An amazing husband whose faith never wavered. An incredible doctor who honored my anxieties and walked every step with us. And a fabulous group of friends who were also walking the “pregnant after loss” journey, both in real life and online. Some of us worked together to right a weekly e-book devotional called “Rainbows and Redemption” (available for free at http://www.rainbowsandredemption.weebly.com or by e-mail at rainbowsandredemption@gmail.com). Walking with others also on the journey where we could encourage each other and pray for each other made a world of difference.
It took us 5 years of hard work on “us” after losing Bailey to get to our rainbow moment. I was so scared, so nervous, so worried about doing everything right although I had done nothing wrong with Bailey. I worried about getting to 26wks, I wondered if I would get sick again, I would make myself ill just thinking about the what if’s. I went for my scan and found out we were having a boy. Something clicked that day. He was more real it seemed because I knew his gender. I realized that my pregnancy was all I had of Bailey. I have only one pregnant picture of her, I figured there would be time to take bump pics later. I needed to cherish this pregnancy. God forbid something would happen again, this is “our” time and I was wasting it away in worry. I started documenting our time together more, talking to him more, not trying to nearly forget he was in there to just get through the day without worry. Fear, excitement, concern, joy, all co-existed for the rest of my pregnancy and on his special day I felt I already knew him.
I needed this post! Thank you.
I delivered my son, stillborn at 30 weeks due to a class 3 placental abruption. It almost took my life as well. I am now 14 weeks pregnant with our “rainbow”.
I didn’t wait for the “safe” mark to tell everyone because I thought..What is the point? You never actually really “safe”. I guess that is the innocence that I lost too.
I was so afraid to be pregnant again knowing that pregnancy killed my son and almost killed me, now that I’m here, its been so up and down. Every emotion is felt ten fold. Hormones? Maybe… or maybe its just pregnancy after loss.
When I’m excited, I expect everyone else to be excited and wonder why they arent being supportive when they seem scared and when I’m scared, I wonder how they are being so excited when they know very well what happened and could happen again.
We have a long way to go with this pregnancy (hopefully) and it’s been full of joy and happiness but its also been full of doubt and fear…lots of fear.
Thanx for writing this. <3
This is exactly how I feel. We lost our first two months ago now at 10 weeks as a suspected blighted ovum. When we found out we were pregnant we were so excited. Next time we are pregnant we are going to be more cautious and we are not going to celebrate it and we are not going to be as excited and hopeful. I feel robbed that I will never be able to experience that.
So thankful for you…you have no idea. So thankful for your testimony and how the Lord is using you in my life and many others through SSM and your blog. I am 13 weeks with my rainbow. I lost my daughter at 15 weeks. Everyone says I will feel better after that. Not so much…my innocence is gone. I won’t feel relief until I hold this baby…although so much could still go wrong after that too. I saw this little baby move for the first time on an ultrasound the other day…I am so smitten! Thanks to my daughter I feel so much more thankful for pregnancy and really treasure each moment knowing it can be gone in a heartbeat. I HATE worrying more this pregnancy and wanting to control everything, but I am thankful that the Lord used my daughter’s death to show me to not assume God will give me everything I want and to be more compassionate for others who experience infant loss and infertility. We are not guaranteed anything in this life…our only guarantee is heaven if we put our trust in Christ. That truth has been huge for me.
Fran,
I realize 4 weeks have gone by since you posted this & am so happy to know you are still expecting that sweet little girl of yours.
Thank you for sharing on this topic–and for opening up about your own “loss of innocence.” I have never had the privilege of being pregnant, but I am a doting aunt. When my brother & sister-in-law lost their son on his due date, after a completely normal pregnancy, we were all devastated. Two years later when they were expecting their Rainbow baby, another boy, we were all thrilled for them but also reserved…everyone’s innocence had been lost. No other babies had been born in the family in the intervening time. I knew too many people in person & online who had experienced child loss. And while we were happy & excited, we were all reserved & didn’t try to bond as much as we had previously–even (especially) mommy & daddy. Looking back, for both my nephews’ sakes, I wish we hadn’t been so reserved & had been as care-free as we had been with big brother, but that care-free pregnancy joy is probably gone forever for the whole family. While we will always take joy in expectant baby, there will always be that thought of potential loss in the back of our minds.
But, as we have all had the blinders ripped from our eyes & recognize that child loss can happen at any age, we, therefore, should love all the more exuberantly, holding nothing back out of fear, giving our all to these precious ones because life is uncertain & fragile and should be lived smothered in love.
Praying for you & your lil girl,
xo~M
And thanks for sharing Baby Girl’s picture with us!
I know it’s been a long time since you posted this…but I just found it today.
As Kori said: “I am fighting fear with the truth of the Lord and holding onto His promises I know are true.” Amen! My experiences don’t change who God is… He is a loving, faithful, caring God. Without my faith and hope in Him, I never would have got through the past few years. We got pregnant with our first child and had an uneventful pregnancy and he was born in 2010. I never had any thoughts of anything going wrong! When we tried for our second child, we got pregnant again quickly but lost the baby at 11wks. We were devastated, but thought the next time it would work out. We got pregnant again not long after, and we couldn’t help but be worried and were just waiting for the 12wk mark. Found out around 11wks that baby had passed several weeks earlier. Now after two losses, we were afraid to try again. After a bit of a break, we tried again, only to have another early loss around 6wks. And then my sister lost her son at 36 1/2 wks (stillborn). These kinds of losses really rock your world and any of that innocence about pregnancy are totally lost. Currently, I am 25wks pregnant and hopeful. That doesn’t mean I don’t worry sometimes, but holding onto hope and faith helps me keep my sanity.