There are times in every infertile woman’s life where she truly and utterly feels……..infertile.
Sometimes it comes after yet another negative pregnancy test, or the slew of cute bellies we see each summer.
Sometimes it comes after seeing a sweet little bundle of cuteness at the grocery store, or after a pregnancy announcement.
It can feel like a punch to the stomach and a stab to the heart, all at once.
Many times I find myself beginning to feel bitter or even jealous, mad that my body won’t cooperate and desperately wanting what another woman has. Sometimes I begin to loathe what lies beneath my skin and a feeling of hate begins to stir.
I can feel angry and I can feel resentful. Anxious and sad.
And none of us likes to feel this way, but it becomes a natural reaction that begins to linger and we easily slip into it like a comfy robe at the end of the day. We find ourselves in an internal struggle, just waiting for the day when we can be rid of these feelings the moment we see two pink lines.
I’d like to think it happens that way anyways. That the color of happiness will cover over the ugly in my heart.
But what if I didn’t have to feel so……..ugly in the first place?
Could it be our choice as to what we feel?
“We can only experience one emotion at a time. And we get to choose – which emotion do we want to feel?” – Ann Voskamp
I read this last week in Ann Voskamp’s book “One Thousand Gifts” and it hit me head on. What if I really don’t have to feel all of this ……. ugly?
I can’t change my circumstance, but I can change how I react to it.
We can choose to acknowledge our hurt and despair, but we must also choose to find beauty, to embrace our life, find thankfulness, and live out joy.
And I can’t tell you it’s easy – because it’s not.
Retraining your thought process is hard, but what I’ve been learning over the last year is that we can choose joy and thankfulness in the midst of sorrow, stress, and waiting.
When I daily look for beauty, the ugly begins to fade.
Do you ever take time each day to look for beauty and train your mind in thankfulness?
Donielle is an amateur herbalist and natural momma to two littles (with another babe in heaven) and deals with being less than fertile. She has a passion for nourishing nutrition, natural living, and spreading the word on how food truly affects our health. Her blog, Naturally Knocked Up, focuses on fertility and reproductive health and her book on natural fertility was released last month.