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There are times in every infertile woman’s life where she truly and utterly feels……..infertile.
Sometimes it comes after yet another negative pregnancy test, or the slew of cute bellies we see each summer.
Sometimes it comes after seeing a sweet little bundle of cuteness at the grocery store, or after a pregnancy announcement.
It can feel like a punch to the stomach and a stab to the heart, all at once.
Many times I find myself beginning to feel bitter or even jealous, mad that my body won’t cooperate and desperately wanting what another woman has. Sometimes I begin to loathe what lies beneath my skin and a feeling of hate begins to stir.
I can feel angry and I can feel resentful. Anxious and sad.
And none of us likes to feel this way, but it becomes a natural reaction that begins to linger and we easily slip into it like a comfy robe at the end of the day. We find ourselves in an internal struggle, just waiting for the day when we can be rid of these feelings the moment we see two pink lines.
I’d like to think it happens that way anyways. That the color of happiness will cover over the ugly in my heart.
But what if I didn’t have to feel so……..ugly in the first place?
Could it be our choice as to what we feel?
“We can only experience one emotion at a time. And we get to choose – which emotion do we want to feel?” – Ann Voskamp
I read this last week in Ann Voskamp’s book “One Thousand Gifts” and it hit me head on. What if I really don’t have to feel all of this ……. ugly?
I can’t change my circumstance, but I can change how I react to it.
We can choose to acknowledge our hurt and despair, but we must also choose to find beauty, to embrace our life, find thankfulness, and live out joy.
And I can’t tell you it’s easy – because it’s not.
Retraining your thought process is hard, but what I’ve been learning over the last year is that we can choose joy and thankfulness in the midst of sorrow, stress, and waiting.
When I daily look for beauty, the ugly begins to fade.
Do you ever take time each day to look for beauty and train your mind in thankfulness?
Donielle is an amateur herbalist and natural momma to two littles (with another babe in heaven) and deals with being less than fertile. She has a passion for nourishing nutrition, natural living, and spreading the word on how food truly affects our health. Her blog, Naturally Knocked Up, focuses on fertility and reproductive health and her book on natural fertility was released last month.
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Love this post. Thank you for reminding others that it takes work sometimes but it can be done. You can have love, peace, joy, happiness, all of that even with the ugly. Some days may be harder then others but making the effort every day to see the good in at least one thing can help change your mindset. YAY
It does take work doesn’t it?
And while those ugly feelings still come up, they are much more fleeting and don’t overwhelm me. I can acknowledge my sadness, jealousy, whatever, and not…… lose my mind.
Yes Donielle! Acknowledgement = Honor = Acceptance = Peace
Acknowledge the feeling
Honor it for what it is
Accept that you have it and
let it go in Peace
You said it perfectly!
It took me a while to understand that I could control my response when I came into those situations. My reframe was “that will be me someday.” And 2.5 years ago my miracle arrived.
It sure is hard to reframe the mind isn’t it? Some days I fail miserably! But overall I’m getting so much better at it.
I appreciate the sentiment. I think we do need to do our best to find things to be grateful for every day. However, I disagree that we can only feel one emotion at a time, particularly when it comes to grieving. Women who are infertile, grieve their ability to have children the way they dreamed of having them and, many of us have experienced pregnancy or infant loss.
I guess what hit me so strongly when I read that was that when these feelings come up I do have a choice. I can either be defined by them or allow myself to feel and acknowledge them and do what I can to find beauty and joy.
I also understand that grief as I’ve been there and am currently there now. Our last baby passed away during pregnancy. It can be overwhelming at times, but I’m learning that when I look for things to be grateful for, that I can feel the grief without it over taking me. I don’t think it’s a cut-and-dry one moment you feel joy, the other you don’t- our emotions are much more complex than that. But I am slowly learning how to grieve and yet also find joy at the same time.
I remember when I was TTC and having difficulty (we tried for two years), one of my best friends found out she was expecting. She and her DH had just had the discussion and decided they wanted a child, then it happened after the first try! It was so hard not to be bitter about her good news. When the baby was born, I really tried to be supportive, kind of an “auntie” to her. That really helped me to get past the bitterness, and to celebrate her child. And then, my daughter was born on her daughter’s second birthday!