Guest Post by Christy
The first few days and weeks after I came home from the hospital without my twins are somewhat of a blur to me. I remember screaming and wailing and just wanting to run away. I remember being shocked at the physical pain of grief, coupled with the pain of childbirth. I remember wanting to be alone, but at the same time, wondering if I could reach out.
I distinctly remember the first blog I ever read. The woman had almost the same story as me. I couldn’t believe it. I read it from the very first post and stayed up all night, devouring it. It kept my mind occupied, and, better yet, it made me feel not so alone. I found the blog by opening up google and typing, “I lost my baby” and, “My babies died.”
It didn’t take me long to realize that I wanted my own blog. I had written down the story of my sweet Sophie and Aiden as I had been on bed rest and needed to just transfer it over. Additionally, that personal blog had been stalled after some of my friends thought that I was “too sad.” Basically, it was dark-but that’s what blogging did for me. It allowed me to put my deepest, darkest thoughts out there. It was the best form of therapy. I soon realized that my audience couldn’t be my friends and family, though. They just didn’t and couldn’t understand.
I immediately became addicted to blogging. I would write and write, with tears streaming down my face. The release that would come after was amazing. I would feel a strange happiness and excitement each time I got a comment, and I quickly followed other new blogs and made connections. One of the connections I made was with a girl named Bree, who had lost a baby at the same gestational age as the twins just a month before me, and was now pregnant with a subsequent child, due just a month before me! I felt a strong connection with her, and blogging comments soon led to emails. We often joke that we should write a book about pregnancy after loss, compiled of our emails to each other. We emailed several times a day and divulged in each other our deepest fears and also, learned more about each other’s lives.
After a while, my husband started asking questions. He was worried about the enormous amount of time I spent online and just wanted to make sure I was ok. Well, of course, I wasn’t really ok, but I understood his concern. So, I told him. I showed him my blog, and the comments, and I told him about Bree and other friends I had made. I was nervous for his reaction, but it was very positive. He understood, and was actually glad. We had talked about how very differently we grieved the loss of our babies and he was, frankly, glad that someone else could help me when he couldn’t.
I won’t forget the first time Bree called me. We had exchanged phone numbers and started texting. I would text from the bathroom at work, crying about something someone had said, because I knew she would understand. But, at 28 weeks into her pregnancy, she had been hospitalized. Her cerclage was in danger of failing and she was having contractions. My phone rang and I saw it was her, and I thought, “Um. This is a little weird!” Not because she was weird, but because online was starting to mix with real life and it just felt new and a little funny. As soon as I picked up, it was like talking to someone I had been friends with my whole life. It was so fun to have a voice to match with the person that I had grown to know.
Fast forward to today, and my daughter, Avery, and I just came back from Los Angeles, where we spent a week with Bree and her daughter, Nora. And this was actually the second time we went to visit! Last summer, my husband had a conference there for work, and I shyly brought it up to both my husband and Bree, who were both very excited.
Nora and Avery are just 6 weeks apart in age, and we like to have them skype. I actually feel a little like Nora is my niece. We love to send each other packages for holidays and just because, and we always remember Ella, Sophie, and Aiden, the babies that aren’t with us.
It’s so much fun to be together because we get to be with a mom of a toddler the same age, plus a sister in loss. We can talk about anything without reserve, without hesitation. I don’t have to worry about what she’ll say like I do with the friends I have that haven’t experienced a loss. It’s the most comfortable that I ever am.
Both Bree and I have also met other blogging mamas. In fact, while I was staying with Bree, we went to a nearby city to see two other moms we are close to and their children. I have driven to meet several mamas and have always had an amazing time.
I can easily say that Bree has become my best friend. I feel so lucky because we had a loss that connected us, but she and I have so much in common beyond that, which makes the connection even deeper. It feels so strange to say, “I met her online,” but, honestly-I am so lucky. So lucky to have been able to share my story and read other stories. To know that I am never, ever alone, even when I feel like I am. Our sisters in loss are there to show us that.
To start your own blog click here. It’s super quick, easy and free.
To connect with other blogging loss parents, click here.