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I miss him. I miss him so deeply it’s almost as if I can’t breathe at times.
I am so proud of him. My cheeks hurt from smiling with pride.
I love him. I love him so much my heart my burst.
In all of the moments that are just too much to bear, I am able to look at his picture. His perfection reminds me of all the goodness.
God’s grace is etched in Aidan’s features.
Amazing.
When I look at the only pictures I will ever have of my first-born, I see a glimpse of God. I touched him. I kissed him. I rocked him.
This journey started with God. Plain and simple.
Some who just cannot comprehend it, claim that it was God’s absence that lead to Aidan’s death. Or, even worse, that it was somehow my fault.
Trust me, I question every single decision I made. I wake up in cold sweats and out of breath from this.
However, I cannot stay in that place. I must focus on the grace. I choose to focus on the time I was given. The blessings behind the tears.
So, if he is a blessing… then I get to be proud. I get to show him off. I get to talk about him and not shy away because he is taboo.
This journey is long. It will be lined with people cheering me on. And there will be people trying to block my path as well. These people who cannot comprehend. The people who lack compassion. I will do my best to inspire change in them. I will not let them throw me off course.
Because this journey leads to one thing… Aidan wrapped in God’s glory, in Jesus’ sweet embrace.
So, while it is a journey I would have never chosen, it is also one I will not give up on. There are too many lives to change. Babies to save.
In the end is the greatest reward. My son in my arms.
For now he is with the angels. Surrounding the throne.
Yes, I am jealous of those angels, but if he can’t be here with me there is no where else I would rather him be.
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About Tara
Nope, there is no place I’d rather have her…she went directly from my arms to Jesus’.
I second that, Kori.
So thankful that there are so many Christ followers on this journey with me!
Yes. They opened their eyes and knew only beauty and peace. That carries me through.
Love.
Amazing post. Def made me tear up. Thank you for your words.
Thank you for the encouragement!
I think it’s horrible that someone would suggest you didn’t have enough faith OR that your child’s death was somehow your fault. I bet you are a wonderful mother. A kind, loving, generous, filled-with-faith mother.
Thank you. People never question my faith. It’s more their own. They falter and therefore cannot understand mine. Until you have walked in our shoes the understanding just isn’t possible.
I love to think of my son sitting on Jesus’ lap. At first, after he died, I was so angry at God. It took me several years to find my way back, but I do believe that my son was in Heaven, handpicking our rainbow son for us. It is a comfort to me that he had a hand in things & that my son looks down on me, loves me & will be waiting for me to meet him there.
Thank you for this post.
I love the image of him handpicking your rainbow. I hope to one day have that!
great words, Im jealous that he gets to be with my baby and not me but soon and all due time. I will have her in my arms again.
We both will.
Such a beautiful post… thinking of you and your darling son. You are an inspiration with your words of love and saving babies in his name. Love to you always xoxo
Thank you for such kind words! He is the reason behind it all.
Beautiful! Thank you for sharing from your mama-heart about your beautiful Aidan…and one of my favorite subjects: God’s grace.
This is how i feel. Every single day. I remember this very vivid moment while I was pregnant, sitting in church and recognizing that Christ died for my child. And that made salvation so much more precious.
As I hear my friends share about the struggles they have with their kids: bullying, sexting, learning disabilities, turning away from their faith – I’m reminded that as a mother I’ve been spared those trials, and that my son is safe in the arms of Jesus, where there is no pain, no tears – and no concept of time, so for him, it doesn’t feel like an eternity until he sees me again. For these things I can be so thankful. Even while missing my son more than anything ever.
Thanks for your beautiful words.
Another beautifully written piece, Tara; just as I have come to expect from reading your blog.
I am so grateful to River for all that her passing through my life has taught me about life, about love, about myself. Her time in my arms may have been the briefest of moments, but her impact on my is everlasting.
I am not as spiritual as you are, but I am a Christian, and I do believe in God and Jesus and the Angels, and I know that my daughter is well-loved, and cared for, and knows only happiness and comfort where she is waiting for the time when we will be reunited.
Tara,
Thanks so much for sharing your precious words.