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When I was in beauty school in the early 90’s, I remember words that were spoken at a hair show by a stage stylist, he said “It takes three years for something to come into style, one year for everyone to wear it, and another three years for it to go out of style, totaling seven years for a fad to come and go.” That statement made me look at fashion as well as makeup following the suit of the seven year trend as well. I have deemed myself pretty good at following that rule. Made sense to me in my profession and I learned how to incorporate that to my clients and my own style through the years.
Isn’t there some rule about marriage too, “the seven year itch” or something like that?
Seven, seven has me full of anxiety. Anxiety because I know the day is almost here for us to send our balloons and messages to heaven and I hate the feeling standing in line getting balloons filled with helium, these are party balloons. I want a party.
One year, the cashier said to Nathan (he was 6 at the time), “Are you having a birthday?” Nathan replied, “No, my brother is and he died and we are sending these to heaven.” I ran out of the store sobbing.
Being just a few days from Matthew’s seventh birthday in heaven, I was thinking about the seven year rule and how it took me three years to want to live again, one year trying to figure out how to, and the last three years doing all that I can honor and preserve Matthew’s memory.
As the day draws nearer and I feel my chest tightening, I close my eyes and imagine how tall he would be, if he would love baseball like his brothers and love to go with his daddy everywhere. I wonder if he would think I was a crazy mama, but love me to the moon and back too.
So I was taught the ‘seven year rule,’ now what? There were no beauty school guidelines to tell me what happens after year seven. Sure, many will offer advice, some really good advice, but for every family it is different. Some people just try to survive, and I did that for some time too. But then I was ready to live again. I live every day knowing I am Matthew’s mama, just as much as I am Nathan and Will’s mama. I wish the circumstances were different, and frankly the thought of having lived the last seven years without our son hurts my heart so badly, especially when I know I will continue on that path until I meet him again in heaven. It is with much hope and great faith I know I am one day closer to him.
I don’t know what week, month or year you are facing, but I do know that this seventh year, the year that in the world of hairstyles and fashion, I was taught that the world moves on to the next best thing or the latest trend, I am holding on to the most precious to me, and come year eight, nine or twenty-three, I will still be doing the same, holding on to the moments I had with Matthew, the memories and embracing the tears that fall as well as the smiles that come.
Don’t get discouraged if you are trying to figure out how to cope, survive or live after loss, for me it took years and I am still a work in progress. Standing when I can, and realizing it is totally okay when I can’t.
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About Lori Weatherly
Hi Lori ,
I am so sorry about your son Matthew. I lost my grandchild 6 months ago and I cannot imagine where I will be in 7 years. I can’t imagine living without the pain in my heart and the aching in my arms to hold her. My older sister lost two babies of her own. Almost 30 years have passed since her first daughter’ s brief visit to our world. She raised 5 children since that time. But not one day has passed that she has not longed for the two that are not here. She would say ” I can’ t promise you that it will get easier, it just gets different”. There are still days she cries and wonders what life would have been like if her daughters were here. Her losses, her words and her support are the only things that keep me going right now. Maybe that’s what you need to do. Keep telling Matthew’s story and keep releasing the balloons. We are all in this together and need one another to pull through.
Hope there is sunshine and the right amount of wind when you send the balloons to Matthew!!!
Hi Colleen… I am so sorry about your loss and the losses your sister has endured as well. You are so right about having support to keep you going. I am glad you have her to lean on, and I, too, agree with her about it not getting easier… different is a good choice of words. I will certainly keep telling Matthew’s story as well as releasing the balloons in his memory. I know that through this resource of Still Standing, you will find many that you will connect with and help you on this road that is far too much to bear alone. Much hope sweet friend… LCW
Hi Lori, once again I am so sorry for the loss of your son Matthew. I want to thank you for taking the time to respond to my comments. I have to say that the Contributors, editors and everyone that is responsible for Still Standing Magazine are providing such help and support to all of us that have suffered the loss of a child whether you are a parent, grandparent, sibling or caring friend. I have connected with people such as you that can relate to my feelings. When I post a comment and get a personal reply from Gordon, Gramma Vicki or you, Lori, I know I am not alone. Since Victoria died six months ago, I feel isolated. The connections I am making here make a difference. Nothing can take away my pain but I know I am not alone. As others have said ” we now belong to a group no one would ever ask to join”. We share a bond that we would not wish on our greatest enemy. I live to envision all of our sweet babies playing together happily in a beautiful playground, safe from the fears of this world. The best part of your reply was the closing which I will borrow from you-hope you don’t mind.
Much hope sweet friend…Colleen
Precious. Thank you. Gramma to 2 angels, only one of whom we got to meet. We just passed his 2nd year.
Heartfelt hugs as you continue to remember and hold close your sweet Matthew.
♥ Gramma Vicki
Hi Gramma Vicki… sweet gramma to 2 angels, I am sending you much hope today and thank you so much for the kind words! Heartfelt hugs right back to you! xoxo
I’m so sorry you’ve lost your little one. I guess no matter where we are in the grieving process, there is always a question of “what comes next.”
When our pastor met with us to plan our son’s memorial, he shared that his grandparents had lost a child. He remembered sitting with his 91-year-old grandfather in the nursing home, and even so many years later, tears came to eyes as he spoke of the lost child. Its comforting to know that those little people will always be with us and will always touch our hearts so.
May you be encouraged today as you have encouraged us.
Hi there Amanda! Thank you for writing in. Yes, I too believe, you always wonder what comes next… and grief is always a process.
I am so sorry you lost your precious son…. and as I was reading what your pastor shared, it touched my heart. It is very comforting to know these little people will always be with us and touch our hearts like none other.
You indeed encouraged me, thank you and God be with you and your family. Much love & hope, LCW
I admire your strength Lori, you are a precious gift from God .I just want you to know that I am walking right behind you, in case you stumble or just need to stop and rest. I LOVE you to the MOON & BACK !!!
Monique, thank you friend! Thank you for your friendship, support, and encouragement through all of these years! I love you too…. to the moon & back! xoxo!
Our memories lead us day-by-day until our time here is up and we won’t need our memories anymore for we will be reunited in joy. Each day is one day closer. Thank you for sharing Matthew with us.
Oh amen to that Stephanie! Thank you friend! xoxo!
This is a powerfully written piece. I too feel as if the world expects me to move on to the next best thing. I know that I never will. It has been three years this year and simultaneously feels like yesterday and a lifetime.
Wow, Mel, I love that last line…. you nailed it with those words. Thank you for that! I am so sorry for your loss and I hope that you will find much comfort in this resource… you are not alone. Sending much hope to you. LCW
At less than four months since my two day old son died, I’ve already been told “You should be over this by now”. Grieving for your baby is a life-long journey and I hope posts like this make people who haven’t lost a child understand that. I don’t know what comes after 7 years, but I do know you’re right – no matter how many months or years on, you will still love and miss your child, and wish that he was with you. Thinking of you and wishing you some peace as Matthew’s birthday approaches. xxx
yes Helen, grief is a life long journey, because you will always miss your child. And in missing someone, there is grief. I am so very sorry you lost your precious son. My heart hurts for you and so many other moms and dads who are missing their sweet children today. Thank you so much for writing in and sharing your heart. Sending many hugs and hope to you… xoxo
It’s nearly 2 and a half years after losing my son and I often wonder how I am ‘supposed’ to feel. Thank you for sharing. I found your words helpful. May Matthew’s birthday be a time of closeness for your family as you remember your boy with love, as I do mine. xoxox
Hi there Emma… I used to wonder how I was ‘supposed’ to feel all of the time… I gradually learned that as long as I allowed myself to ‘feel’ what I needed to at that moment, that was what was important and necessary… if it was sadness or joy, crying or laughing, I learned to feel it. And that it was okay to do that. I am so sorry you lost your precious son… I hope that the resource of Still Standing will help you find some hope, and fill your heart with the comfort that you are not alone. Thank you for writing in and sharing. Sending much love and hope… LCW