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“There’s your baby,” the sonographer said, ‘and there’s your other baby.”
And that is how I found out that I was expecting, very unexpected, twins.
I felt shocked, devastated and frightened. A first time mother, I wondered how on earth I would manage with two newborns. I must have turned white as the sonographer asked if I would like a cup of tea. My hands were shaking as I clutched on to my husband. I was filled with disbelief. Could this really be happening to me? The little blue-eyed boy whom I had dreamt of for the past twelve weeks was, actually, two babies? But my dominant feeling was one of utter elation. I was simply over the moon, two babies, twins. I cannot describe to you how very lucky I felt.
However, all of my worry and excitement over raising two babies turned out to be, sadly, unnecessary. The two babies that I carried, that I anticipated and dreamed of, the two little girls that I grew to love, the sisters I fondly imagined. Only one would be mine to keep. Only one would be mine to raise.
When you are raising surviving children from a multiple birth you can feel stuck in a strange no man’s land. As though you don’t quite fit in anywhere. In those early days, I often felt uncomfortable in the loss community, with my newborn baby daughter in tow.
I felt even more isolated amongst the new mother and baby groups that I joined, where every question concealed spikes and jabs.
“Is she your first?”
“Does she have any brothers or sisters?”
Where there was nobody whose experience of giving birth was similar to my own. Two babies weighing less than 2lbs. Incubators. Illness. Machines. Oxygen canisters. Death.
The innocent and happy swapping of birth stories, birth weights, developmental milestones, was all deeply painful to me. So I sat in a corner with my tiny daughter, quiet and aloof, unable to contribute without tears.
I talk to my daughter about her twin sister, years later. I tell her about the little girl who came into being alongside her. Who shares her birthday. Who struggled for life in an incubator, opposite, on the same ward for three brief days and then slipped away from us.
I had contemplated never telling her, to spare her the pain of that knowledge. That she could have had a sister to share, perhaps, her entire life with. It seemed cruel to dangle that possibility into her thoughts, only to snatch it away. I’m still not entirely sure I made the right decision.
But she was a twin? She is a twin? A twinless twin? A single twin? A surviving twin? Nothing to do with twins at all? I’m never entirely sure how to describe her. My second daughter. But I feel that there is still a bond between her and her twin sister that even death cannot entirely sever.
I hope that, when I speak to her about her twin, that she can hear the love in my voice. My love for her, my love for her sister. My two beautiful daughters.
That she knows that, although I am sad that her sister died, my happiness that she survived is what I choose to hold on to. I try to celebrate on their birthday with the whole of my heart, to rejoice for both the beautiful tiny babies that arrived, far too early, on that special day. Perfect in their mother’s eyes, down to each little hair on their tiny heads.
Nearly four years have passed since I had two daughters to worry over. But I am still filled with a strange mixture of longing and sadness when I see a twin stroller pass by. And I have to peep inside, although it breaks my heart to do so.
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About Catherine
As always, such beauty in your word and honesty. It’s impossibly hard to know what to do for the best but I feel that sharing our babies with their surviving twin is the right thing for our family too. As for the double buggy check, I am right there with you. It’s part of me now and I almost do it to hurt even more.
For me, our babies are twins, whether they were able to stay with us on earth or not. Semantics matter and it can be so hard to articulate as you say. I do correct people if they say my now middle daughter was a twin. That’s just me and I am sure they think I am being picky and awkward.
That feeling of elation and being so blessed with twins that you beautifully described stays with me. Sometimes (and more often that I would like) it is overshadowed by my despair / anger / feelings of devastation at losing our eldest daughter but I hold on to the fact that we are twin mummies. That identify for me is so important in terms of my surviving daughter and for me too. Death cannot change that and I hope our surviving daughters sense that special twin bond in time if they don’t already.
A x
Oh Abbie. I can still recall just how special I felt when I found out I was expecting twins. So amazing and unexpected. I do still think of Jessica as a twin rather than ‘was a twin.’
I hope that both J and O feel that bond with their big sisters.
I too am just beginning to go through this. I had twin boys at 24 weeks and 4 days gestation last November. One of our boys passed at 10 days old and the other spent 125 long, grueling days in the NICU. He came home just two months ago and the reality of him being a twinless twin is really setting in. I really do feel like I’m in limbo. I don’t fit into the new mommy clubs. It’s so difficult. I don’t know how I’ll feel as time goes on. I hope it gets easier for me and it’s not too hard on my son. I plan to remember his brother on all the special occasions and milestones.
Lara, I am so very sorry to read of the passing of your son. I’m so glad that your little boy has come home to you at last. My surviving daughter spent a similar length of time in the NICU and I know that I felt exhausted before she even came home to us, my heart goes out to you.
I also found that, if was only when my surviving daughter came home, that the reality of her sister’s death started to set in. It’s such a difficult time, so much to celebrate and so much to grieve for too.
For me, it did get easier. The pain is not always so raw and intense. Wishing the very, very best to you and your little boy xo
We are also raising a surviving twin. Our son was diagnosed with Trisomy 18 in utero which is considered incompatible with life. They arrived at 32.4 weeks. He died shortly after birth, our daughter spent 19 days in the NICU. Everything you said rings true for me too. Their birthday brings a heavy feeling of grief because what is supposed to be joyful and happy was rather a scary, traumatizing, and very sad experience. And it seems like twins are EVERYWHERE. I am happy that I seem to be outofthedeep depression for both myself and my surviving twin. She is 2.5 so can’t quite comprehend the loss of her brother, but we dotalk about her big brother.
Jaime, I am so sorry for the loss of your son.
Birthdays are a strange time for us mamas of surviving multiples. So much to celebrate and so much to grieve for. I can really identify with what you write.
And twins do seem to be EVERYWHERE. I know that I do feel a stab at my heart when I see twins.
Oh my goodness Jamie! I’ve never met anyone with a similar story to mine. I was so excited to find out that I was pregnant with twins. It had been a lifelong dream of mine and I couldn’t believe that it was actually coming true. I decided to have an amniocentesis when the perinatologist found a heart defect during an ultrasound. Our daughter Libby was diagnosed with Trisomy 18. She passed away at 31 weeks gestation and I carried her and her twin brother Landon until 35 weeks. He only had to spend 5 nights in the NICU. I hate that every milestone is bittersweet. I’m very happy that he is progressing like he should be but at the same time I am reminded that his twin sister should be right there with him. I always wonder who would have crawled first and who would have taken their first steps first. Their first birthday is coming up and I don’t know how I am going to handle it. I don’t ever want anyone to forget Libby but at the same time, I don’t want Landon’s birthday to be overshadowed by the loss of his sister. And I agree, twins seem to be everywhere!
Dear Catherine,
I’m so sorry for the loss of your sweet daughter. I cannot imagine raising one twin without the other. I can relate to the terrible sinking feeling every time I see a twin stroller or twins. My husband and I lost our sweet little twin boys. They were born sleeping this past January. It’s understandable that their birthday is bittersweet. You are not alone in raising a surviving twin. I’ve met others like you through online communities. I know there is a community through the Twin To Twin Transfusion Foundation. Not sure if your babies were affected by TTTS, but there are wonderful communities out there. When I found out my boys died, I was praying for both of their lives and even found myself begging God for at least one of them. I felt really guilty after, like I was choosing one over the other. I will never understand why these things happen. Babies aren’t supposed to die. I hope this next birthday fills you with joy and peace.
Peace,
Jen
Dear Jen,
I am so sorry for the loss of twin boys. Thank you for understanding my apprehensiveness over twin strollers or twins.
I wish that I could take your guilt away. When you give birth to twins, you understand how it is possible to love two people, exactly the same amount, to want them exactly the same. I know how much you loved both your boys. But of course, of course, you wanted even one of your babies to survive. Any mother would do. Please don’t feel that you did anything wrong.
I will also never truly understand why these things happen and I’m just so very sorry that your sons are not with you today. Thank you so much for your kind words.
Thanks so much for ur article. I too had twins and lost my baby girl. My thoughts r exactly like urs and I always thought I was alone on this. But I too always wonder how I am going to tell her brother who survived the birth. She was 2 days old. I am still dealing with thi as if it was yesterday sometimes. I am glad I am not alone. Thanks soo much for this article.
Melanie, I am so very sorry for the loss of your baby girl. I know that, when my daughter died, I felt so alone and I also wondered what I would tell my little girl who survived. I’ve been telling her about her twin sister ever since she was a baby and I hope that she will just accept it as a part of her life.
When you wrote as though you were dealing with this as if it only happened yesterday my heart just broke for you. I still feel like that, very occasionally, as it has been four year now. Time does strange things when a baby die. What should be years ago can feel like it only happened hours ago.
If would like me to put you in touch with blogs of other parents raising surviving twins or other resources that I’ve found helpful please do drop me a line via my blog or via Still Standing.
Wishing you and your son all the very best and remembering your dear twin baby girl xo
Hi Catherine, my story is so similar to yours, I found out about my twin girls and felt many of the same feelings you experienced along the way. Also feeling as though I didn’t belong anywhere. I tried the grief groups and the mothers groups and lalways went home in tears and feeling alone. People don’t realise how hard it is to go through the grieving process whilst also trying to care for a newborn.
This happened to me 26 years ago and I still feel that pang when I see twin strollers. I guess I always will, something that was so close and yet so far. We have a special day a few days after our daugher’s birthday that we use as our rememberance day, I decided to do that so that I could take the time to feel my sadness without it hurting my daughter, she has suffered with survivor guilt at times so treading carefully is very important. But she’s wonderful and she also understands how difficult it must have been. We are very close, the best of friends and I’m so grateful I have her. There have been lots of questions over the years and I’ve always answered them honestly. But I’ve never forgotten my precious baby girls and the love and joy of carrying twins. We are so lucky that we have the internet today to reach out to others.
Dear Alaine, thank you so much for your lovely comment and I am so sorry that you have also experienced the loss of one of your twin daughters. I can only imagine that I will still feel a pang when I see when twins, maybe for the rest of my life. So close and yet so far as you say.
Your description of your relationship with your surviving daughter gives me so much hope for the future. To know that you have been through all the questions and the guilt and stayed close. I’ve also tried to separate my surviving daughter’s birthday from remembering her sister, so that she could feel her birthday was a day of celebration and happiness.
I am so very grateful for the internet and the ability that it has given me to connect with so many people raising surviving twins and triplets.
Your story rings sooo true for me. July 7th will be my beautiful daughters 1st birthday. Harper is amazing and has been a fighter since she was inside me kicking the crap out of me and her baby brother. Her brother, Benny Jr. passed at 2 days old and has left a huge hole in my heart. He was the youngest with 4 older sisters who were so looking forward to having a brother finally.
We feel like noone knows what it feels like to lose one half of “twins”, but after finding this site reading stories like yours, I realize that I’m not alone and my emotions are normal.
My husband and I want to celebrate benny’s short life and remember him every year on his birthday, but after reading the comments, I worry that maybe doing it at Harpers birthday celebration is the wrong choice. Maybe it should be 2 days later on the day he became our angel. I talk about him to her and want her to know everything as she is growing up, but I fear that she’ll feel a part of herself is missing and don’t want to make it worse by remembering him on her big day every year or taking away from her in anyway. So much confusion, so much sadness, and yet so much celebration, love and joy for my little miracle that brings a smile to everyones face.
Megan, your twin son and daughter are on my heart over these coming days. I found the build up to my girls’ first birthday very hard and I hope these coming days pass as peacefully as they possibly can for you.
I truly believe that there is no wrong choice. You need to do what you feel is right for you and your family. No matter when, or how, you choose to remember him, I know that Benny Jr. is celebrated and remembered. There is so much love for him evident in your words.
It will be 3 years in August that I lost the oldest of my identical twin girls shortly after delivery at 28 weeks, nearly lost the youngest and nearly lost my own life, too. I struggle every day to balance the joy of raising my daughter with the grief for her sister. Everything always seems bittersweet. I know I am blessed, I know it could have been worse… But it could also be so much better. I am forever torn in two. As each day passes I often wonder how to tell my daughter about her sister, to make her understand. How to honor the deceased while celebrating the living on their birthday. How to answer the dreaded “Is she your first/only?”…
Thank you for this post. From the bottom of my heart… Thank you. It is so comforting to know that I am not alone in this.
.:~Love&Light~:.
Amanda
Amanda, I am so very sorry for the loss of your identical twin daughter. How heartbreaking. Your description of ‘how it could have been worse . . . but it could also be so much better’ really spoke to me. ‘It could have been worse’ is one of those phrases that I seemed to hear so often in relation to my surviving daughter but that seems so dismissive of her sister, who was also very loved and wanted.
I’m also muddling through how to talk to my daughter about her sister. I also lost my younger twin and I dread the question ‘Is she was first / or your only?” no matter how I answer it, I’m left feeling upset.
You aren’t on your own. I’m not on my own. And thank you so much for your comment, it is a comfort to me too. Love to you x
I don’t know if I quite belong on this thread. But my twin sister and I were born at 23 and half weeks nearly 20 years ago. I weighed just 1 lb 5oz and had to stay in the NICU until our due date. She weighed 1 lb 7oz and died the day after we were born. Sometimes i have survivor guilt, I get very upset and I’m often withdrawn in my own head. My mum always talked about my sister, and I’m grateful for that. It eases the pain to be able to talk to her about it. I don’t often tell people I am a twin, but I do feel like one, or rather a twinless twin.
Catherine, you really did do the right thing by telling your baby girl about her sister. I wish you the best of luck in everything, and may your little girl have some peace of mind. It gets really hard sometimes, I do hope she fairs well.
And to all of you women who have shared your stories here; you are stronger than you know, and stronger than anyone can ever give you credit for.
Thank you for sharing your stories.
Thank you with my whole heart.
Oh Ashley. Thank you so much for responding to this post. Of course you belong here, I think it amazing that you are prepared to share your perspective with us here.
I’m so deeply sorry for the loss of your twin sister. Your story is very similar to my own twin daughters’, born at a similar gestation, similar weights. One twins die shortly after birth and the other survives. I’m so sorry that you have survivor guilt, please know that you have nothing to feel guilty about. I know that I can’t really understand but I have spent many hours imagining how my daughter might feel about her twin and that is certainly a response that I have considered, that she may feel guilty for surviving when her twin did not.
Thank you so much for your kind words and your good wishes. I know that is what I wish to grant my daughter, peace of mind. That she knows how loved and wanted she is. And whilst we grieve for her sister, we celebrate her survival and her life so very much.
Somehow I missed this post. We are rasing a surviving twin too. Our boys were born at 27 weeks gestation, 2.5 & 2.6lbs. Parker passed away at 3 days of life after our decision to withdraw care. A decision a mother, a parent, or anyone should never have to make. Often times I think to myself, “could he of made it?! Did I got give him enough chance to fight?!” I hear of miracle babies, sick babies like my son making it through and being like every other child. But, I have to remind myself that we did the right thing for him. He’s not in pain anymore and he’s not suffering anymore. His twin, Zachary was also very sick. With everything that was going on with Parker, we didn’t even know it. We layed our two boys together when Parker was all disconnected and they held hands. It was like Parker gave Zachary strength to continue on. After that, Zachary made such big strides. He came home after 63 days in the NICU and is doing very well today at 10 months old.
I too see twins EVERYWHERE. Maybe because it’s just on my mind. I don’t remember seeing them so much before I was pregnant. It’s like they haunt me now.
We were so excited when we found out we were having twins. After 2 miscarriages prior, I was so happy to be pregnant. I was so happy to be keeping them inside. Feeling their kicks and movements is something I will always cherish. It’s a time when I had both of them, free of pain and free of death.
We’re coming up on their first birthday, August 24th. I hear that the weeks and days leading up to the birthday are worse than the acutal day. I sure am feeling the pain leading up. I just think, this time last year I was so blissfuly happy pregnant, having twins. That is just not the way it turned out. Certainly not what we planned.
On a good note, on a happy note, we have a smart, charming toddler, Ryan. Who adores Zachary. And, my wife (we’re a two mom family), is pregnant with our 4th boy! He should be arriving sometime early November. We’re exciting to be adding to our family. Something that wouldn’t of happened had their been twins to raise alongside a toddler. She’s carrying my egg, which is from the same IVF batch as Zachary and Parker. They were all next to each other when they were just cells, amazing to think that they’ve touched eachother at one point in time.
Oh Heather. I’m sorry that you and your wife had to make that horrendous decision, to withdraw care from your son, Parker. It is one that I wish no parent ever had to make. I know that I still ask myself whether I should have kept pushing, kept hoping. But I know I felt peace with my decision at the time and I try to hold on to that. I felt it was the right choice for my daughter.
And I’m so glad that you boys had one final chance to be together, that you brought Parker over to Zachary. That is something I didn’t do and I’ll always, always regret it. That I didn’t give my girls a chance to say goodbye.
I also have very fond memories of my pregnancy with the twins, the only times I’ll get to hold them both, alive and well.
I’m absolutely thrilled to read that your wife is expecting another baby boy and it so special that the son you are awaiting might have touched Parker and Zachary. Truly amazing. Wishing you and your family all the very, very best.
Heather, our stories are very similar to one another. I had my twin boys at 24 weeks on 11/29/11. Evan weighed 1.7 lbs. and Blake weighed 1.9 lbs. We also had to make the decision to withdraw care from Blake after many long discussions with his doctors about what his future would look like due to his brain bleeds. I am struggling with the “what ifs” of it all. I’ve been reading other stories of children who survived and seemingly are doing well with the same condition Blake had. It’s so hard not to wonder about it all. Our surviving twin, Evan, spent 4 months in the NICU and is home now. If you’d like to connect, my email address is larakitchens@yahoo.com.
It is so hard to leave those ‘what ifs’ behind. I know I will always, always wonder why one of my daughters survived such an early birth in relatively good health and yet sister was so terribly ill. I’m so glad that Evan came home to you and I’m deeply sorry for the loss of his twin brother, Blake.
Hello, just wanted to share my story.
I had two beautiful twin girls last 4th of July at 24 weeks gestation after one stillbirth and ectopic.
Unfortunately this Monday the eldest (Nadia) left us after two horrible days dealing with sepsis, kidney failure and type IV bleeding. I force myself to believe that Nadia left to give Ameera the strength she needs to get over this but I am struggling to find my place and feelings… should i be grieving for Nadia or grateful I still have Ameera? How can I juggle both? Is being grateful unfair to Nadia? or is grieving not good for Ameera?
I pray with all my heart that I can get over it with my little Ameera coming home and angel Nadia looking after her.
Gema, I just wanted to say how very sorry I am for your loss. I know exactly what you’re going through right now. Our stories are quite similar. I had twin boys at 24 weeks and 4 days gestation last November, Evan and Blake. Both were very sick and had poor lungs. Blake however had the worst of it, with collapsed lungs, grade 3 and grade 4 brain bleeds and a PDA. He passed at 10 days old. Evan went on to spend 125 days in the NICU and had many many ups and downs while there. He came home on April 2 of this year. I continue to struggle with the loss of Blake daily. Unfortunately, it’s so difficult to lose one and be strong for the other while still in the NICU. You’ll find yourself putting your grief on hold for Nadia and it won’t come flooding back until Ameera is home with you. If you would like to connect, I’m here to talk. My email address is larakitchens@yahoo.com
Take care, Lara
Oh Gema, I am so very sorry to read of the loss of your daughter, Nadia. It is very hard to juggle the mixture of emotions that accompany the death of one of your babies and your hope for their surviving sibling. It can be very hard to find your place and to worry that you are letting one of your children down, by being happy or by being sad.
Hoping that the days pass swiftly and that your little Ameera is home with you soon. Sending you strength at this difficult time x
I had the most perfect twin girls ever. One was 6lbs and the other was 5.10lbs. Both beautiful and healthy. At 7mons both of the identical sisters had dierrhea and my Daneen left us. It’s been 4 mons now. My Aaleen’s birth is fast approaching and I don’t know how to celebrate it? I write it with tears in my eyes that I’ve gone thru every experience that you guys have experienced here. I’m at loss of words. I don’t know what to do. I celebrated my singleton’s birthday just few days ago. I try to get back to normal. My past few months have been a nightmare, can’t describe. But the pain does not go away. I’m unable to FEEL happy. I try my best for my surviving twin and the singleton, but some how life will not remain the same. She was the last of my children. I had an emergency hysterectomy after they were born so no more babies for me. But I’ve resolved to my self that I will always remember her on every milestone and birthday. But don’t know how?
Dear Zaynab, I’m so sorry for the loss of your Daneen. How heartbreaking to have your girls born so healthy and at such good weights, only to have one of your little ones so cruelly taken. My heart aches for you and your family.
Birthdays are hard when a family is missing one of its members, a time when everyone is supposed to be happy, and the birthday of a surviving twin is particularly so. I know that other people have planted flowers in memories of their babies, had a balloon release as part of their surviving twin’s birthday celebrations, remembered their twin in little ways by adding their ‘symbol’ to the birthday cake or the cards, a little butterfly or bird. Is there anything that reminds you of Daneen in that way? It is just very, very difficult and please know that I am writing this from nearly four years after the death of my daughter. Four months is still so very raw and painful. I wish you all the best as you prepare to celebrate Aaleen’s and Daneen’s birthday. If I can help in any way at all, if you just want to chat or would like some signposting to resources for surviving multiples on the internet, please do just drop me a line. Sending you strength x
Reading this oddly made me cry and smile at the same time, I came across it on google, my son is 10 weeks old and he was a twin, his sister passed away while I was pregnant at 32 weeks. I feel so blessed at how perfect my son is but ate at once a day I cry thinking bout her and who she might have been. Since I was so far along I had to keep them both in me till I was induced at 39 weeks. I feel so confused at times if he is considered a twin since I never technically got to meet her. I love him dearly and debate every day what I will tell him when he is older please feel free to contact me at my email and thank you for your inspirational words
Dear Catherine,
I am so sorry for the loss of your precious baby girl. Your story has just released a flood of emotions within as I approach the first birthday of my twin boys and struggle with how to celebrate when your heart is aching.
I too was shocked to be pregnant again (#5) and yet over the moon excited that it would be twins (#5 and 6). So many ups and downs not to mention the physical exhaustion that also wreaked havoc on my emotions. So much of it is just a blur – you’re old, you’re high risk, don’t you know what a diaphram is – so many hurtful comments. Instead of focusing on them, I chose instead to embrace my belief that children are blessings and I was ecstatic at the thought of being a “twin mom”. It still sounds so beautiful. I struggled with how I would physically do it all but finally decided that this was going to be and I ordered two new car seats. The next morning at my routine specialist visit I found out that we had lost one of the babies. The whole world just seems to stop. How could this be.. I just began to fully embrace this twin thing and it was ripped from me. It hurt so bad. My doctor and her staff were (still are) fabulous and immediately began extra care to keep our other baby alive. My brain understands that his cord did not attach in “a good spot” but I also feel that I should of done more to rest , and eat better and not work so hard. In hind sight I feel that I truly did not understand the magnitude of a twin pregnancy. I just believed that my body would do what it was supposed to do like in all my earlier births. I’m still numb because I believe that God saw that I couldn’t take care of two after all. I wasn’t strong enough and he had to have Gabriel back. I’m so sorry my son. I know you are in a better place and will always be there to watch over your brother Benjamin but I miss you so much. I wanted to watch the two of you grow up together.
Instead I will remember you as a hero. Tiny little Gabriel had the strength that mom didn’t have. You were born first, at home, and as frightening as everything was it is also so beautiful. Benjamin weighed 2 lbs 13ozs and after 54 days in the NICU joined our crazy family at home. Gabriel weighed 8ozs and was so beautiful in his white gown that some volunteer hands sewed and our gentle nurse dressed him in. Thank you Lord for letting me say goodbye to Gabriel and forgive my weaknesses. I’m still exhausted but I’m finally starting to think a little clearer.
Thanks to everyone who has posted here and shared their stories. Each one has helped me understand my own grief a little better and brought a sense of comfort that we are not alone. My prayers to you all as you continue this journey.
Oh Lisa. I received your comment whilst the website was down so I emailed you directly. I hope it arrived safely with you. I’m so very sorry for the loss of your dear Gabriel. Such a beautiful, beautiful name you gave your boy, Your sweet little hero. Always here if you want to chat, drop me a line anytime. I’m thinking of you as you approach your boys’ first birthday xo
Catherine -
I was so thrilled to stumble onto your site. Although stumble probably isn’t the right word, since i have trolled the internet for stories and articles for, oh, 9 months now. I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing and encouraging others to join in.
First I have to confess, that I am the grandmother in this story. But I have lived virtually every minute of this experience with my daughter. Still, I would never claim to understand what it is to lose a child. I only know what it is to see the pain my child endures, the strength i never knew she had, and the loss of my tiny granddaughter, all the while rejoicing in the miracle she brought home.
You see, my daughter is a single mother to her lady bug and her sweet angel sister. She is now 28 years old. I had always said, if she got to be 30, i would do anything i could to help her have a child. Because, I knew she would be a spectacular mom. So, i was actually thrilled when she confessed she was pregnant. I also need to mention, my son has given me 3 absolutely precious grandchildren. I am so proud of him and the amazing family he and my daughter-in-law are raising. But every child, every GRANDchild, is so beloved..so treasured. And, this time, they are living with me.
At her first ultrasound, we found out she was pregnant with twins…fraternal, the tech thought.. I was over the moon. But, in so many ways, it terrified my daughter. But, by time we headed to her almost 20 week ultrasound, i knew she was glorying in her tiny treasures. Her 2 tiny girls, we found out. Growing and thriving. Later that week, her doctor called to tell her a little more news. Twin B had a cleft lip. No other problems expected, though they could not tell if there was a cleft palate. Knowing nothing of clefts, and with the horrifying pictures on the internet, my daughter was devastated. But as we talked and she researched more, we knew Baby B was just a special present. We were ok with her problem..we would ‘handle it’.
It was a fun Christmas with many people buying twinsie gifts. Then, the Friday before New Years, we went to her check up.
Since the doc wasn’t really sure of the heartbeats, she sent her for an ultrasound again. When we saw the girls, it was obvious why it was hard to distinguish 2 heatrbeats..they were spooned together, membrane between them and all. Because of the cleft, the tech was doing a whole series. But, then, she stepped out and brouight the doctor in. Turns out the infection which had plagued the pregnancy had invaded her uterus and her cervix was critically shortened. She spent the night in the hospital to be sure she wasn’ t in labor, then came home the next day. That was New Year’s Eve, 2011. By 7 p.m., she was back in the hospital and soon after, on her way to a big city hospital.
The labor could not be stopped, so at about 3 a.m,1/1/12, her daughters were delivered by C-section. Baby A at 1 pound 12 ounces and Baby B at 1 pound 8 ounces…and a bi-lateral cleft lip and full cleft palate. But it was beautiful, perfectly healthy Baby A who had been closest to the infection. She fought off the first onslaught of pneumonia, but we believe her organs were weakened too much when it took more then 20 minutes to resuscitate her at birth and they started to shut down. Finally, NEC attacked and a serious brain bleed. My daughter, too, was put in the position of choosing peace or pain for her baby. At 9 days old, she let her angel slip away on tiny wings. The same day, her little sis opened her eyes.
146 days later, she came home., breathing monitor and g tube in place. Reflux and the cleft have made digestion a huge problem But she is thriving and is a bright, beautiful blessing. But there is not a day that her sister is not missed. And, here is the most awesome part of this story.
For Christmas, my daughter’s cousin gifted her with an old Home Interior’s picture of a little blonde child and her puppy in a garden with her ‘angel’ sister. This picture hangs on the wall in the converted rooms where my daughter lives now. When she was first home, there were many many scary episodes with gagging that were very hard on my granddaughter and she woudl get so upset and just cry so hard from the pain and the loss of air. But, then, we would notice, if we held her near the pic, her tiny eyes would be glued on it…and she would NOT look away. I KNOW her angel sis was talking to her. She is now 8 1/2 months old, and she still focuses on that picture, and if I hold her quietly, she will coo and ‘talk’ to it. I am not a religious or even very spiritual person, but i know in my heart, this Angel helped my granddaughter come home. And she will be there for her when she has the cleft palate surgery after Christmas. Sisters forever…
Sometimes, when my heart misses this Angel so much, i just wonder how my daughter has been so strong. But we talk openly of both girls and always will. That is the right way for us. Mother to twins…daughters of my daughter. I wrote a poem
and called it that. My heart goes out to all of you here. I hope reading the stories will help you to heal and try to enjoy the miracle of the baby who came home.
Oh Sharon. Oh I am just so sorry that your family has been through such a similar situation with your own little granddaughters. It was also my ‘baby B’, the smaller twin, who survived. And for your daughter to have to make that same, heartbreaking decision? I ache for her, it is such an awful choice to face. I can’t imagine how you must have felt, to watch your own child go through such pain.
What a marathon you have been through, all the time in hospital and the scary episodes at home. I love the story of the picture, I’m sure that connection remains between siblings, not even death can break it. Wishing your family the very best for your granddaughters forth coming surgery, I hope it all goes well xo
hi Catherine. Thank you again so much for sending me an email! I am glad that I found this post here. I read this and I felt like it was the words from my heart. You captured it so well. xoxo