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Guest Post by Guy
Pain. Unspeakable, unbearable, unimaginable pain. Welling up from the depths of my very soul and washing over me like a tidal wave, it threatens to sweep me away. It drives through to my very core and permeates through every fiber within me. Is there no hope? Is there someone, anyone, who will reach out and pull me from these murky waters? Will He not deliver me from this gut-wrenching agony and mend these broken places?
Yes. He will…
March 19th, 2012. A day that will forever be etched in my memory as the most horrific day of my life. Reliving it now as I write this is difficult at best. However, my God teaches me that if I have a need then I am to sow a seed. And I have a LOT of need. So, maybe this seed will bless someone else going through the same thing. This was the day that my three-month-old daughter, Mia Roance, grew her angel wings. This was the beginning of our nightmare.
I was asleep when the phone call came. I got off work at 6 AM that day. At the time, I was working the night shift as a police officer at our local college. I’ve been a cop for 18 years, and the death of a child is nothing new to me.
I’ve prayed for many moms and dads, sisters and brothers, grandmas and grandpas over that stretch of time. I NEVER thought that I would one day need the prayers myself.
When my shift ended that morning, I didn’t go home and go to sleep. Instead, I had to prepare for court. I had six cases on the trial calendar, so it promised to be a long 24 hours. As it turned out, I only got stuck there until lunch. Instead of getting the girls, Mia and our three-year-old, Emma, from the sitter, my wife convinced me to go home to get a few hours of sleep. When I got there, I made myself some lunch and laid down for the nap.
The ring startled me awake. I didn’t even realize that I was out. The voice on the other end of the phone was a friend of my wife’s from work. She told me that I needed to get to the sitter right away. She said something was wrong with Mia. I panicked as I ran through the house, getting dressed, putting on my shoes, grabbing the keys and speeding out of the driveway. “Please, Father. Don’t let anything be wrong with my baby,” was all I could say in the car.
On the way there, I called our 9-11 center. I know all the guys and girls that work there, and a friend of mine answered. “Jimmy,” I said. “This is Guy. Is there something going on with an infant on Iron Rd.?” I remember that he asked me if it was my baby over there. I told him that she was and asked if she was alive. He only could tell me that it didn’t look good, and I needed to get there right away. I implored him to tell me if she was breathing. I begged him over and over again. Finally, the director got on the line and told me I needed to just meet the EMT’s at the hospital. “Oh God,” I cried aloud. “Please don’t take my baby!”
I was flying through traffic, honking my horn, flashing my lights… virtually pushing my way through the cars. It’s probably only by God’s grace that I even made it there alive. I pulled around back where the ambulances drive up and beat the paramedics there. One of my friends from the Sheriff’s Office pulled up at the same time and came over to me as they pulled the stretcher out of the back. He held me back as they wheeled my precious little Baby Butterfly into the hospital… they were breathing for her with a breathing bag.
The rest of that afternoon is blurred now. Thankfully, I recorded the incident a few days later in a blog post. About the only things I VIVIDLY remember, though, are the agonizing prayers that my wife and I offered up to Heaven from the room next to where they were working on Mia.
We were on our knees, sobbing uncontrollably, begging God for two very different things. She was imploring Him to put breath back into her baby, while I was pleading with Him to take me instead of my baby girl. He did neither.
Fast forward two months to today. The pain is there every single day. It’s abated a little, however, as God has shown us His grace and mercy. And the longing to see Mia’s adorable little face… to tickle her nose and tickle-spot under her chin… to hold her in our arms again and smell that sweet infant smell… well, they are a constant. We are, however, blessed beyond measure.
“How can I say that?” you may ask. “How can I still call out to God and praise Him and honor and glorify Him through this storm?” The answer is simple. Without Him, I would be dead. I wouldn’t be able to get out of bed in the morning. I wouldn’t be able to put food in my mouth and remember to chew it to provide sustenance for my body and mind. I wouldn’t remember to breathe one breath at a time. I do all of these things so that, one day, I will be able to hold her close again and watch her grow up as her proud father.
I’m writing this on a particularly hard day. There’s no special attachment to today. No magical memory or anniversary. It’s just hard. One of the things that I’m finding out is that you never know when you’re going to double over in agony as though someone’s hit you in the gut with a sledgehammer.
Right now is one of those times. So, I’m sowing my seeds. God doesn’t promise to take away the pain. He doesn’t promise to prevent bad things from happening. What He does promise is that He will never leave, nor forsake, you. He promises to carry you when you can’t take another step. He promises to breathe for you when air is in short supply. He promises to make ALL things work together for our good and for His glory.
Though His plan for us took a decidedly different turn than the one we had mapped out, He is still God. I’m not mad at God for calling Mia home. I’m grateful to Him that He entrusted His child to us for the three months that we had her. I’m not mad at God for any of the pain that we’re going through, because God is not the author of pain and despair and agony. He is our redeemer and our deliverer.
The only thing I can do now is continue to look up. I look up to see glimpses of His face in the clouds. I look up to thank Him and praise Him… to ask for His wisdom and peace to lead my family as He intended for me to do. I look up to beg for the strength He gave me when I spoke at Mia’s service and carried her out of the chapel to her final earthly resting place. I look up in anticipation of where I will be meeting the angels as they deliver my baby to me all over again.
When I can do nothing else, I look up.
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Thank you for this post. You described exactly how I am able to get up every morning and continue on with life. By the grace of God… May God continue to bless your family and continue holding you through this pain until he reunites you with Mia again.
Thank you, Amy. And you as well!
I lost my son 6 weeks ago and this is just so perfectly worded. God is the reason I get thru every day and keep going. Sending you and your family lots of love and prayers. God bless x
Thank you, Hanna Beth…love and prayers to you and your family as well.
First I want to say i’m so sorry for your loss of Mia. Your family are in my thoughts and prayers. Thank you for writing this article and sharing your feelings/emotions. I often wonder how my husband is dealing with all of this as he doesn’t open up to me often. We loss our baby girl on 12/9/2011. When Catherine was born she was very sick. We only got to spend her last 30 minutes of her life with her. 6 hrs after birth she grew her wings. It is so hard to not be angry at God. I thank God for blessing us with her after many years of trying to conceive. However my husband is angry at God. Just a tough journey we are on everyday.
My wife was angry in the beginning as well. To be honest, she still has moments. But that’s okay. He understands. He’s been where we are. He’s walked every step of our lives before we were ever born. More importantly, He knows what it’s like to lose a child. He WILLINGLY gave His Son for us. That gives me a measure of comfort when the pain hits me. Lena asked me why God didn’t breathe life back into Mia while we were at the hospital. I told her I didn’t know. But He could have breathed life back into His Son when He died on the cross for us. He didn’t because His plans are far greater than anything you or I could possibly imagine. He knew that the only way we get to be with Him and our children in Heaven is through His Son’s blood. It doesn’t always ease the pain, but God knows what we feel and catches all of our tears. I’ll pray for your husband for strength, peace and mercy to fill his heart. Bless you…
To glorify God is my hope and greatest desire. His promises are THAT…..promises. Thank you so much for posting.
You’re very welcome, Kori. It seems that the more we do that, the more peace we find. Blessings to you and your family…
Thank you for these words. I actually just wrote a blog post on being blessed despite my son living in heaven. Thank you for your willingness to share. Praying for your family.
We’ll pray for you as well, Kristy. I’ll definitely check out your post…be blessed!
Wow…. Is all I can really say…. I’m excited to see where God leads u next
Thank you, Carol. So am I
Beautiful. We lost our son, Caleb on 4-17-12 and we chose to praise God instead of be angry. Soany people have asked us how we can feel blessed in a time like this. The answer is simple. God didn’t take our son away, instead he gave us a son after many, many years of fertility treatments. How can we possibly be angry about that?
Thank you for your strength and ability to share your story. It reinforces my feelings and comforts me. I will share your story with my husband.
With love
Our prayers are with you, Chirleen. Thank you for the encouragement, and I pray that your husband is blessed by this piece as well. Grace and mercy to you and your family…
Just beautifully said, everything you have described is word for word out of my mouth and almost my life. We lost our baby girl April 27, when she stopped breathing. The damage was enough that she wouldn’t survive. I remember only being on my knees at the hospital begging for God to please save her. She passed away on May 7, 2012. Thanks to police officers and EMT’s I got another 9 days to accept what was happening and spend every last minute with her…
May God continue to strengthen you and grant you peace, Jessica. Remember…our children are in our future, not our past….Thank you so much for reading.
Beautiful, Guy. Just beautiful. Thank you.
You’re very welcome, Beth. And thank you!
Our son William went home to be with Jesus just three days before Mia – 3/16/12 – after 1 week in the NICU; he was born at 23 weeks. While I am encouraged hearing from those who are farther down this path than I am, it truly ministered to my heart to hear from someone who is in the same place. Hard days, long nights, and striving to worship, even when worship is nothing more than crying out to God in pain.
At William’s memorial service, our Pastor spoke from the book of Job, reminding us of this: Job 1:20 “Then Job arose, tore his robe, shaved his head, and fell on the ground and worshiped.” A constant challenge to do as you are doing.
May our Father encourage you today. May he bless you as you’ve blessed us with your words of truth.
Thank you for the kind words, Amanda. We truly appreciate the prayers and thoughts. I’ve only read a little of Job. I mainly read from Acts and Jeremiah. I’ve told my wife, Lena, when she can’t say anything else, simply call out His name. He knows exactly where we are and what we need. He will breathe for us when we can’t, and carry us when we can’t walk. I pray He grants you the same strength, peace and mercy that He gives us each and every day.
Guy you continue to amaze and inspire my faith. Thank you for sharing I love y’all.
Thank you, Becky. We love you, too!
Our son was stillborn on April 14th, 2012 (his due date). Such a rough road it has been, but God has been faithful to gave us the strength to make it through each moment. I am so thankful that He chose to give His one and only Son for us–that we might live (and grieve) with hope.
We are too, Julie. Praying for you and your family…
Dear Guy,
Thank you for this post. It brought tears to my eyes. I’m so sorry for the loss of your precious daughter. We lost our twin boys earlier this year. I have felt betrayed, broken, and abandoned by God. I once thought my faith was strong, now I find myself being so angry at God. When I do pray, I often say God if you are there, help me. Maybe it is God’s grace that gets me out of bed in the morning. I just wish he took me instead. I don’t know why I’m here and my boys are not, it does not feel natural. Sometimes I find that I direct my anger and even rage at him for allowing/doing this to my boys. Every day is such a struggle to survive.
~Jen
We know that feeling as well, Jen. I tell my wife that when she can do nothing else, she simply needs to call His name. He knows that we’re hurt. He knows that we’re angry. He knows that we doubt and question. But He doesn’t hold that against us. It doesn’t make Him love us any less. I just replied to a comment above where I said that God knows exactly where we are and what we’re going through because He’s done the same thing. He gave His ONLY Son for us so that we may have eternal life and be able see our children again. Your boys are in your future, not your past. For me, I want to do EVERYTHING I can to honor and glorify God and honor Mia in so doing. I will get to see her again one day soon. A day is as a thousand years to her and your sons. They will blink their eyes and we will be with them again. I pray peace and comfort and healing for your hearts. May God pour out His mercy and grace to you and your family.
Guy, I am speechless. All I know to say is that this was beautiful… My heart and prayers are with you, Lena and the girls.
Thank you very much, Annette….for the compliment and the prayers!
Guy,
I’m so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your hurt, pain, agony, but most importantly, your hope in Christ our redeemer. It is so difficult to praise God and thank him in the midst of unspeakable loss. Thank you for doing that so honestly. My husband and I have suffered 4 miscarriages which I can safely say are no comparison to your loss. Yet we also daily strive to model to our 4 and 7 year old sons by praising God, trusting him, and truly being at peace with the hope we have in Him and His eternal kingdom. We will be reunited with our precious children one glorious day, to live eternally together! I will pray for your family as each day is a new step in faith. May God’s grace and mercy continue to touch you and your family each moment of each day.
~Marcia
Even though we were blessed with Mia for those three beautiful months, it doesn’t mean that our loss is any greater than yours. I, too, am sorry for yours as well. But you’re right, our hope and healing is in Father God. I think that’s what drives me now…to be the man, father, and child of God that He wants me to be for my wife and girls. And we can’t WAIT for the day when we’ll get to hold her again. I pray the same for you and your family, Marcia. Thank you for the beautiful comment. It was a blessing to me this morning.
In Christ,
Guy
Bless you, Guy!
Hi Guy…I found your blog from SIDS America shortly after our daughter died of SIDS on May 6. She was 3 months old as well. It is always encouraging to hear from other people who are going through similar pain and relying on God’s grace to get by. The last 7 weeks have been horrific. The hardest times of my life, but also the most enlightening. Never have I been more sure of my destiny and that my baby girl is safe in heaven and that I will get to see her again. I am almost done reading A Grace Disguised by Jerry Sittser and it has really given me perspective in ways I never imagined. I miss Rowan with all of my heart and wish this hadn’t happened, and I sob for her every day. I’m so sorry for all of the parents who have experienced loss, we are all connected in a way that none of us wished for, but fortunately we can all learn from each other. xoxo
Thank you so much for your encouragement, Katrina. Sorry this took so long to get back to you. You’re so very right about the connection. My wife and I call it the fraternity that we don’t want to belong to. We’ll be praying for God’s strength, peace and mercy to fill you and your family’s life.