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How many of you, after losing your child, felt angry when you heard other women complain about their children, or (healthy) pregnancy woes?
Anyone?
Come on, it’s okay to admit it. No judgments here.
If you are anything like me, then reading statuses like:
“up all night with a screaming baby—again!”
or:
“teething sucks!”
made you roll your eyes and curse the universe for making things so easy for those who took motherhood for granted, and just so darn hard for you. After all, given the chance, you would have appreciated every single second in that mother’s shoes. Right?
Okay, so now let’s flash forward a bit through my own story, shall we? Let’s flash forward two rounds of IVF, and seven months of bed rest later, to when my twins were born and I came home from the hospital incredibly anemic and responsible for two babies who needed me to have a level of energy that I just couldn’t muster. Let’s flash forward to a few weeks after their birth, when I stood in the shower crying, (no, really–crying!) because I hadn’t showered in days and my bladder was in a constant state of near explosion, and cluster-breastfeeding took at times twelve hours in a row to finish before needing to start feeding again. Let’s flash forward to the shame, the utter shame I felt in myself for being that mom—the one who would dare complain about such things as lack of sleep and cracked nipples and colic when against all odds we were blessed with not one, but two beautiful, healthy, babies.
For the most part, I have grown comfortable in my role of stay-at-home-momma-of-twins even though I am always tired, and live in sweatpants, and full of writing ideas that I rarely manage to get down on paper. If I am being honest here, most (99.99% 87%) days I am happy and the babies are happy and there is no place I would rather be, but I also count down the minutes to that blissful half hour before they go to sleep when my husband comes home and can offer me a hand with feeding and bath time.
At 15 months old, my Snowflakes and I have hit another rough patch. My girl, “Squeaks,” is an incredibly mobile dare-devil, while my boy, “Bubba,” enjoys throwing wild temper tantrums anytime he is not being held (and often times even when he is) and I have caught myself being that mom who posts things on Facebook like:
“Ladies and gentlemen: We have entered the temper-tantrum zone”
or:
“I am too old to function on so little sleep.”
And it is then that I feel that same sense of shame creep in because as much as I would love to live in a perpetual state of gratitude (and I am so grateful, because I know how blessed I am–Do you do that? Qualify your complaints by first being sure to acknowledge how grateful you are?) I am also human, and getting my hair pulled or my nipples bitten hurts, and taking care of two toddlers on little-to-no-sleep for the majority of the time on my own (though I imagine one is equally as difficult) can be, at times, draining.
I just can’t be a shiny, happy, sparkly, pinterest-worthy, super mom every-single-second-of-every-single-day—not that anyone has accused me of that, mind you. So why do I put that pressure on myself?
I think we loss mommas, especially, judge ourselves by a different standard because we know how lucky we are to have a screaming infant, or a tantruming toddler. And maybe, too, because deep down we know we have judged other mothers for airing the same grievances. These over-tired, over-stressed, under-slept days are a gift—each and every one of them—and experiences that we begged God, the universe, Karma, what have you, to grant us. But what we sometimes forget while reminding ourselves and everyone around us about how grateful we are, is that we also need to cut ourselves a little slack.
Even (grateful) rainbow mommas can have bad days, and you know what—that’s okay.
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About Kristin Binder
Very much agree. Thank you. I am so grateful that my little one is here that most of the time I don’t mind (during the day) when she cries and wakes up during the night…in the middle of the night, though – it may just be a different story!
I loved reading this! My 6th child died in my womb due to CH and hydrops. I was sick most of the time of this last pregnancy. I have always had morning-all day sickness with everyone and I feel so much pressure not to complain if I ever hopefully get pregnant again with my rainbow… Having been a mother, nursing, putting up with teething and all kinds of tantrums and little viruses for 13 years, I have to remind myself that having a hard time in these situations have nothing to do with the gratefulness I have for my living children. Having lost my baby Lily did change my perspectives, I am definately more aware of how grateful and blessed I am but the reality is, that being a mom is joyfull, hard, fun, tiring, busy, lovely… smiling all the time is impossible but at the end of the day, I can’t help but thank God for my blessings.
That is exactly how I feel too. I am so grateful, SO very grateful, but also so human. I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet Lily.
Oh yes. This is a tough one for us angel mommas i think. But holy cow, I think we’ve hit the terrible twos a year early.
I’m with you on that! I think they hit here about 15 months.
After suffering the loss of a baby girl (Stillborn), it became very difficult for me to see pregnant women, or Mothers who were so mean to their kids……..
OMG, your post is ME! It was so well-written and really explains the internal conflict we can have when rainbow mommas have hard times. “Regular” parents have frustrations all the time – lack of sleep, tantrums, skipping naps, etc., but we, as rainbows, just can’t feel justified having bad days because we know how lucky we really are. I lost my daughter in 2007 and would give my life to have her back…she was the girl my husband always wanted and our hopes and dreams died with her. Between us, we have 3 older boys. We spent the next 3+ years with unexplained secondary infertility – and undergoing 9 IUIs and 2 rounds of IVF. The second round worked and we had a healthy, beautiful (just amazing!) baby boy last fall. It was a very long road emotionally, financially and physically, but we made it through and have been given a gift – a chance to love another baby. I mean who wouldn’t be appreciative 24/7!?! I am, believe me. But I have days that I cry, too, and he’s not the “easy” baby our other kids were (and we’re 40+ now), so we’re tuckered out and just exhausted many a day. When I get to feeling like I’m complaining, I catch myself and think “you have nerve…you buried a baby that you’d do anything to have back (to hear her cry, have tantrums, etc.) and you have no right to feel anything but joy.” Which i do! But I just can’t allow myself to linger in frustration because I feel the lack of gratitude will cause a tragedy. Such a hard thing to deal with…
Thank you for your post. It’s just nice to know there are others out there.
I think that is a big part of it too for us loss mommas, that worry that “the lack of gratitude will cause a tragedy”…
I find myself feeling resentful that because I have experienced a loss of a baby that I either (1) have to NOT say anything about my rainbow’s behavior or feeling frustrated or tired or etc because I might seem ungrateful or (2) having to start each one of those types of statuses with the statement, “This doesn’t mean I am not thankful for having my rainbow but..” .. I shouldn’t have to do that but I’ve learned that being a part of this group means the rules have changed for me.
I feel the same way, Leslie…even with my husband, I find that I start my sentences with that.
I can completely relate to your emotions. I catch myself all the time starting with those same statements Leslie.
I remember when my friend had her Healthy twin baby girls who had to go to the NICU for awhile to grow and get stronger she would constantly tell me and let me know how frustrating and HARD it was and inconvenient to her to have her girls in the NICU. Her babies were doing good and she was bringing them HOME.. All the while she is telling me this my sweet baby who was born the same week as her girls, my baby was not healthy and was denied heart surgery to save his life was sent home on HOSPICE.. While I was so THANKFUL to GOD for allowing me and my husband more time with our baby and we was so THANKFUL to HOSPICE for all there hard work and help, it was hard hearing a mother complain about the NICU at the hospital who was helping her babies get stronger so her babies could come home.. SHE knew her babies was coming home soon, and she would complain about how hard the NICU was, all the while I had a sweet baby home on HOSPICE who I was told could DIE at any time day or hour.. I would have LOVED to go to the NICU everyday to see my baby who was growing and getting better to come home to live a healthy life. NO that was not my choice. MY CHOICE was HOSPICE and to hold my baby while he died.. Hearing complaints about having a babies in the NICU was really hard and frustrating for me to hear… She knew my situation and it was hard.. Also I do get upset with MOTHERS who take there children for granted and hollar and scream at them because they have no patients with them. It makes me want to say you need to THANK GOD for the children that he gave and start raising them right to LOVE GOD. Because I do not get that chance… My son lives in heaven with JESUS and everyday I am Thankful for that and one day I will get see him again and spend eternity together…
I wrote something like this a few weeks ago during the midst of a colic melt down. It is so hard … to know how lucky we are and yet feel all the normal stresses of parenthood. Our experiences makes everything so much more complicated! I used to get so annoyed, made, pissed off at those parents that would dare complain about their kids crying or fussing… and now I complain about lack of sleep and crying! And then I feel guilty. But a tired mom has to vent right? Babylost or not.
You know what? I also think that somehow, we fear that if we don’t precede EVERY.SINGLE.FRUSTRATION (all valid!) with, “I’m so grateful, but….” that something may happen…that something may just come and take even the opportunity to be frustrated away like it has done before. I hate, hate, hate that.
This was a great piece, friend. Honest, sincere and real.
Love you!
Completely agree. This was me with my surviving triplets after we lost Hadley. I thought I had to love every single moment because I was lucky they were alive. I struggled through the first two years never letting anyone help me and never venting my frustrations. I have finally reached a place where I allow myself to be human and it makes motherhood so much easier.
I just wanted to thank you for the wonderful article! I can relate to all of it. I remember after we lost our daughter I would get soo angry at anyone who would complain about the normal stuff I would have given anything for. !
Thank you so much for this post. I know I am late to it (seems to be a recurring theme at the moment!) but I am so finding it hard to accept that I am finding motherhood in a sleep deprived state so difficult again. As you say, I feel so guilty admitting that I am tired and finding things particularly tricky. It feels so ungrateful and I am not. I do know (as all of us rainbow mummies do) how blessed I am to have my rainbow and surviving twin. I know and feel this every day. This extra level of guilt seems to make me feel unworthy of being a mummy and I am still fearful as someone else said about this opportunity being taken away.
My surprise rainbow was born 1 year and 3 days after my stillbirth. I think the frustration is what took me off guard the most in that first month and what I’m still getting used to after 6 weeks. During the last year I actually blocked all “those moms” on facebook. I didn’t expect to feel so frustrated and I really didn’t know how to handle it, I didn’t want to voice it due to shame or guilt but it almost makes it worse to hold it all in.