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Echoing in the background are the words to a beautiful worship song “I need you more, more than yesterday. I need you Lord, more than words can say. I need you more, than ever before, I need you Lord.” These lyrics ring so true to my heart tonight as I am reflecting upon my life. In July, 2005, I kissed my baby boy hello and goodbye in the same day. I held him so close to my heart whispering words to him that only God could hear. I did not understand the journey that would be ahead of me, nor did I understand that with each passing day I would need the Lord more and more to help me cope, survive, and live (or even want to live) again.
It has been almost seven years since I gave birth to a beautiful, 8 lb 14 oz baby boy, Matthew Clark Weatherly, but due to a uterine rupture, he only lived 25 minutes before he passed away. The trauma from the birth and complications would forever change our lives in so many ways, and would leave me with life altering injuries, battle scars, physically and emotionally.
These battle scars would eventually be referred by us as “Beauty Marks.” For these marks prove Matthew’s existence on this earth and in our hearts… from the visible scars on my body to the fine lines around our eyes where tears have made a crevice over the years…they are beautiful.
When we experienced the loss of Matthew; the heartache, pain and grief would reinvent us as people. Losing a child changes you. It changes you as a wife, mother, daughter, sister and friend. It changes your perception on absolutely everything and sometimes challenges the very thing you have always believed in… which for me was my faith.
Faith and my belief in God have proved time and time to sustain me and my family. Through the good, bad and ugly, faith has always been present. During the hardest times of grief I found myself almost scared to cling to my faith. It hurt so bad I did not want to believe in anything again. But I knew better. I knew deep within my heart that without faith it was impossible to please God. I did not want to let God down; I did not want to blame God. I wanted to run right back to Him and just surrender all of my hurts, my pains, and my disappointments. I wanted my baby back! I wanted my life back! I wanted my joy back!
I often felt like I was standing on the sidelines of life with an empty bucket waiting for a redo, a refill of LIFE, LAUGHTER & JOY and a non-stop search for PEACE! I went everywhere with an empty bucket, hoping that something could fill it… (And boy would I fill my bucket up at the mall, only coming home to that void still being there) Money could not buy what I so desperately needed.
We have a little motto in our house, “Happiness is circumstantial, but joy is God-given.” My husband always says “Don’t let anyone steal your joy!” Life was stealing my joy! Death was stealing my joy! Pain was stealing my joy! And friends, I will be honest, some days I am so full of heartache and grief that I hurt all over. I weep. I weep for the mothers ahead of me, behind me or beside me on this journey. I weep for the hole in my heart that I wish was filled with school pictures and baseball practices with Matthew. I long to hear that little laugh, to see his blue eyes, to hold his hand again, to hear him say “Mama…” I want to just hug him. I miss him so badly, and with each day or year that passes, I miss him more. So much more.
On earth, although I may not be able to do the things above, I am still Matthew’s mama! I am able to share his sweet life and the hope that is within my heart… but I couldn’t do it for one minute without faith. (I tried, epic failure) Faith is my foundation and inspires me to press on and live with the hope that I will be with my baby again one day. When I feel like I can’t go on I grab my bucket and fill it with faith! It’s like survival mode in full force. Sometimes I need to fill it with Bible scriptures, a good sermon in church, reading a card of encouragement, prayer, inspirational music, or even watching the beautiful butterflies as they surround me on a spring day, knowing Matthew is in heaven without pain and that he has the best babysitter ever! (insert big mama grin!) It is when my bucket of faith is filling that the heaviness in my heart gets lighter. I love the way God works like that!
God has been so gracious to us even though our journey has not been easy and as I look back seems almost impossible to have survived. But as I am reflecting upon it all, I am so grateful that God has allowed me to see these battle scars evolve into “Beauty Marks.” I often think of survivors of war, cancer, abuse, and of course survivors of baby or child loss… or any tragedy that leaves such horrific scars, yet when placed into God’s hands and care I know the scars can be turned into something beautiful. I have experienced that metamorphosis; it is incredible. “Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.” ~ Anonymous. Wow! How awesome is that?
Like many of you, I am a survivor of loss. I am also a believer in faith. And I am eternally grateful for every “Beauty Mark” Matthew left behind and for every life his story has touched. I am humbled as I journey beside you, sweet friends, on this thing we call life, where we love, we lose, we laugh and we learn to live daily as we are reaching out to bridge the gap all across the world. Here’s to filling our buckets together!
Photo credit – shutup and smile photography
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About Lori Weatherly
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Lori, I love the image of filling up my bucket with all the blessings I have been given, what a beautiful thing to do. My world changed forever that day in December, when my baby boys went home to Heaven. There has been so much sadness and I miss them every single minute of every single day. Throughout this journey, I have tried to maintain my hope for the future and faith in the plan that has been set for me. It is not always easy but then I remember all the beauty this world has to offer. I am thankful every day for the gift of my sons and the gift of being their mama…there is a lot to fill my bucket with. There is a scar on my heart where I hold my babies but I now prefer the term “beauty mark.” Thank you for your beautiful, inspiring post.
Thank you Anne. I certainly understand how your world forever changed and I am so sorry for the loss of your precious boys. I hope we will be able to help fill your bucket here and that the days ahead will bring much hope to you! Thank you for sharing with me! Much love…
We lost our son, Caleb Dean, April 16, 2012 due to a placental abruption. Besides the aching arms and heart, I’m also mourning the person, mother, wife that I was. I know I will never be that woman again. I will always be a mother who lost her child. I know the pain will ease, but still always be there in varying degrees. Sometimes that knowledge paralyzes me.
Amy, thank you for sharing your precious Caleb with me. Life certainly shifts after such devastating loss and I am so sorry for your pain. My heart hurts for you as I can totally relate to your words. I hope that you will find some encouragement from all of the wonderful contributors here at Still Standing in the midst of it all. Big hugs sent to you…
Amy and Lori– I too lost my son(Isaiah) in April. April 14th 2012. It has been encouraging to read the journeys of other Moms who have had to say goodbye to their precious little ones. I cling to the fact that my God is in control and that He is walking with me through this storm. My heart is so sad though.
Julie, I will be praying for you. This has been a surreal experience and so painful. I feel like I am continually walking in mud and the world goes on around me. I do what I have to to care for my other children, but sometimes it seems like all I can do. God is holding me through this, but it is so painful.
Julie & Amy, Prayers for you both… I know this is so painful ~ I so wish it were different for you both and for all of you that are reading this. My heart hurts for you and I am so sorry. God is definitely my source of strength and the only reason I am Still Standing. Although I will tell you sometimes I have days when I crawl and days when I don’t even know how to pray… and that is when I say “Dear God…” and He knows the rest. He sees your pain. I pray that this magazine will bring you great support and friends that will lift you up daily. Love to you both!
Thank you both for your encouragement. It is such a rollercoaster of emotions. God gives strength and grace for each moment, though. Amy– I will pray for you as well. I dont understand why He allowed our precious babies to die, but I know that our God is good and will be faithful to help us through this. If you need a listening ear, please fee free to email— jljachens@gmail.com
Lori, You are such a wonderful person. I want you to know that I am very proud to call you my friend. It makes me ( and all of your friends) happy that from this unbelievable tradgedy you have found a way to help others. You could have, just as easily, did NOTHING but you didn’t. Matthew’s death was NOT in vein. God has given you the ability to help others, and you have answered his calling with GRACE and DIGNITY. I LOVE YOU !!!!!!… Monique
Oh sweet friend, I love you too!!! Thank you Monique!!! I am so humbled to be on this journey with so many wonderful contributors to be able to share Matthew’s life and our hope! It is a gift, truly!
Thank you for sharing, brought tears to my eyes, all of this is so true. Without God, losing my baby would have destroyed me, my life, my family.. Jesus has that amazing power to change an ugly scar on my heart into a “beauty mark” for which I want to be able to be grateful for! Blessings to you xx
HI Naomi… without God and my faith, losing Matthew surely would have destroyed me too… God is so wonderful and I am so touched to know that you recognize the “beauty mark” in your life. Wishing you many blesssings… Thank you for sharing with me! xoxo!!!
As always Lori you speak directly from your heart and make me want to be like you when I “grow up”
Oh sweet Mandy… HUGS!!! You made me smile!
xoxo!!!
Lori,
Exceptionally well written. No surprise to us. You have a way of bringing emotions that you and other people feel to the surface so we all can experience them to some extent. Your words have healing power and the example you set with your faith is “Job” like. God bless and heal you and all the other parents who have lost a child. Words don’t adequately portray the horror, pain, and sadness or adequately answer the question “why?”. With that said, your efforts of pen to paper to express those feelings gets as close as it gets for eveyone else.
God bless you,
Bob & Donna
Bob & Donna… Thank you so much for your encouraging words, love & support. They mean the world to us! With all of our love!!!
Thank you. I am a Christian. So many other Christians around me have made me feel like if I were “Christian enough” I wouldn’t hurt so bad…that I shouldn’t still be grieving my daughter’s death less than 2 years later. Even another mom who lost her baby…How much I hurt and grieve the loss of my daughter is not connected to how much I love God. I wish they would express empathy instead of adding to the hurt.
Cynthia, thank you for sharing your heart with me. I have been without Matthew for almost 7 years and I have come to learn and understand there is not a chart, graph or time table that can map out grief, and no one can accurately proclaim when grief is over. When losing a child, I don’t know if it ever goes away. (and to respond to that honestly, I don’t think I would ever want it to go away.) Part of being Matthew’s mama is the pain and grief I feel… And as much as God has helped me and healed me, I am still going to miss my baby every day. And that grieves my heart. As I said earlier, it’s been almost 7 years and sometimes the pain will still take my breath away. I am sorry you are hurting so badly, but I understand. I know how it feels when someone says something that adds to the sting of the pain and I wish it were different. You are not alone and I hope & pray that you can find some healing resources through Still Standing and surround yourself with people that feel that pain too. God knows your heart & your hurt & how much you love Him. Wishing you peace & comfort that God can give! xoxo!
what you wrote reminds me of the Superchick song “Beauty From Pain” I am so sorry for the loss of Matthew – hugs
Thank you Michele… I am going to look up that song, I have not heard of it before but I love music and how it can help to soothe my soul. Thank you for sharing it with me! Hugs right back to you!!!!
So true! So many things changed after my Asher died. What struck me the most was how it affected my faith. Everything was different-tainted : prayer, worship. I was angry and I didn’t know how to move past that point. I liked to say that “God isn’t my favorite person right now”
I was also worried that I never would get over the anger and become stuck in bitterness (which I had seen other do). For quite a long time the only thing keeping me grounded in my faith was Asher. I would tell myself over and over again “you can’t walk away because if you do you’ll never see Asher again.” eventually God showed me a way though the anger (which is quite a relief for this normally NOT angry person). I’m still sad but I can handle sad. Sad plus anger plus ect was a little too much 
I cannot wait to get to heaven and see my boy again! I will get to heaven and Asher will be there and he will know I’m his momma!
In the first days after our Caleb died, I could only pray for Rapture. It was the only way I know we can all be together forever and be able to raise our son. I’m still praying for the Rapture, but it’s not the only thought I have now. I have had moments of anger at God, but thankfully it has not overtaken me completely. I don’t know how I could ever manage to walk this walk without the love of our Jesus. If I didn’t know we will see Caleb again, I would be more devastated than I am.
Thank you Lori. It’s as if you read my thoughts and wrote my thoughts . I know this might sound cliche but around the time Daphne died, Carrie Underwood’s song “Jesus Take the Wheel” had recently been releaesed. As we drove to the hospital to meet our precious girl the song came on the radio. I prayed that morning that Jesus would protect us and her delivery just as I had prayed everyday since I had become aware of her existence. But then the day became a nightmare and the months possibly even a year following I remember feeling so let down by my Father. I remember thinking ” I gave You the wheel and look what happened! Why?! And in my life I jerked ( or tried to) that wheel back and I swirved and ran into road blocks and nearly crashed, but He never left me. He quietly wrode in the passenger seat waiting for me to allow Him to drive again. And while I admit I still try to give Him directions I realize He is the driver in my life.. I should be the passenger. And while I’ll never understand why my sweet girl does not get to ride through this life with me, my faith is what has kept me alive.
Wow, Hayley, I cannot tell you how many times I have cried when that song has come on the radio thinking the exact same thing! Thank you for sharing your precious Daphne with me… and your story! God bless and keep you sweet friend and I hope that this magazine will bring you some comfort as we all share our hearts and stories of survival and hope! Love & hugs!!!
This just spoke to me in more ways than you know!!!! We found out our little girl had CDH in December of 2011. We knew our little girl Esther would have a 50% chance at life. We knew there was no such thing as %’s with God. Esther was born April 12, 2012 and passed away May 2, 2012. I would have never thought we were going to see our little girl go to Heaven. My husband and I are big time believers of the Lord too. That song that you talked about was on our prayer Cd that we made for Esther for those at home to worship and pray for us in our journey. We hurt so bad thinking and feeling God was going to heal her. But I can tell you that he changed thousands of lives in our journey with her. You can see our blog on it following our journey with rhondaandjasonholtrop.blogspot.com. Thank you for your encouragement here. We needed it today!!! God is using you in huge ways.
Thank you for sharing with me Rhonda! What a journey! I am so sorry for your precious baby girls passing… I love that you had a prayer cd! And that God used her to minister to thousands of lives! I look forward to reading your blog! Some really great friends of mine just wrote and recorded a song called “Lori’s Lullaby” and I blogged about it earlier in the week~ you can visit my blog listed below article and listen to the song there if you would like. Music is so healing to the heart and soul and God is so gracious in how he sends us the perfect song, sermon or scripture to encourage us just when we need it! God bless you and keep you!!!
Wow, I couldn’t have put it better! We handed our unborn baby girl to God in April (16 weeks gestation), but God has truely carried me through this. I often feel guilty that I have that peace, but I know it’s him comforting me and I should be praising Him for it!
Wow we serve a Awesome God! The great thing is, noone can tell you it’s not God carrying you and walking along side you (or they don’t dare). What an awesome opportunity to be a witness of His love to others despite pain and loss.
Thank you for sharing this and Gods richest blessings
HI there Michelle… thank you for sharing with me! I am so sorry about your precious baby. That peace you are talking about, I know that resource of peace very well… and yes, God is so awesome! You have encouraged me and I hope you will stay tuned to the magazine for upcoming articles and features. God’s richest blessings back to you friend! Much love & hope, Lori
You will never ever know how much i needed this article. my last miscarriage was in 2010 and i got up and ran from god instead of running to him. it has been hard and with each passing day, month, and year it doesn’t get any easier. but your article helped in ways i cannot even express. thank you so very much.