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Guest Post by Dejah
There is so much I want to say–so much that needs to be said. The decision to have a homebirth is not one I made lightly.
A part of me wants to focus on the politics of homebirth, to whip out a bullet list of why I chose homebirth for my second pregnancy. Why it was the safest choice for me, and why my care was better than anything I could have received in an OB’s office.
And another part of me wants to describe what I felt during the car ride to the hospital – the 10 minutes-away-We’ll-get-there-in-plenty-of-time-if-any-issues-arise hospital - after my baby’s heartrate dropped suddenly during labor. Sitting there in the front seat, next to my husband, my doula riding with us, everyone so quiet. I was thinking: This is not what I was prepared for. This is not going to be okay. It wasn’t that I was hysterical – I was eerily calm. A part of me knew it to be a fact: I will not be bringing a baby home from the hospital.
And I want to describe what it like upon returning home from the hospital after my daughter, Sunrise, was stillborn, to the place where everything had been set up for her arrival. It felt like a tomb. A tomb I was trapped in. For the past nine months it had been a place of great joy and grateful anticipation. And now? It was the ninth circle of hell.
But most of all, I want to describe the look that I noticed when people learned my daughter was stillborn. It was a look that said, “Of course your child died. You planned a homebirth.”
It made me feel hurt. Hurt on top of hurt. The loneliness and separation. As if I were a species distinct from other people. The homebirth mama.
Homebirths make up such a small group of births in the U.S., and being in the even smaller subset of women who’ve experienced a homebirth/stillbirth it’s nearly impossible to find someone to turn to who won’t give you that look, however unintentional that look may be.
Anyone who has lost a baby questions their decisions. “Did I have the right tests, did I eat the right things? Did something I did or didn’t do kill my baby?”
But the scrutiny put upon homebirth magnifies these questions. I struggled with this for a long time. I had the added burden of feeling like I let everyone down, like I had unwillingly become the poster girl for Why Homebirth Is Bad, when I felt the exact opposite (yes, even now).
I hope that if you are a homebirth mama, and it didn’t turn out all right, that you will know you are not alone. I had the same dreams as you. We both made the best decisions we could at the time based on the information we had. Like you, I mourn my child. And even though you may feel like it’s not okay, go ahead and mourn the birth as well. I do, every time I walk through my front door. Every time I lie down in the bed where she might have been born.
I blog about Sunrise, death, God, love, and everything in between on my blog. I’d love to have you join me and drop a word or two. xoxo
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I am sorry for your loss. It makes me sad that people give you those “looks” that you don’t deserve. This has happened to women who were RIGHT there in the hospital. I am sorry that the home you prepared so lovingly to welcome your daughter into has become your prison. I hope you are eventually able to reacquaint yourself with your home in a new light and find a source of calm and peace within.
Sending hugs and support.
Thank you so much, Katy. Time has done much to make my home feel less threatening, but there are still shadows that linger. Thank you for your support and kind words. xo
I am so sorry for your loss. I can identify with what you are going through. We chose a birthing center with midwife care for the birth of our first child. I have a million reasons why I made that decision, but now they seem less important than they once did. We were transferre to the hospital, and at this point we still thought everything would be okay. It wasn’t. I will always wonder if we’d been in the hospital the whole time if they would have noticed her drop in heartrate faster, and gotten her out faster, and if she’d be okay. I feel like everyone is judging me and my decision, as though I wouldn’t have made the best possible choices for my child. But this birthing center and midwife had never lost a baby before my daughter. And I also know that it was just a freak accident. I will always have doubts and questions, like any loss parent, but it’s compounded by other people questioning your judgement (or my assuming that they are), and for me, questioning my own non-traditional choices.
Laura, I understand exactly how you feel. I’m so sorry for your loss and I’m sorry that we have to experience the judgment of others who can’t possibly understand…Sending hugs to you today. xo
I am so sorry for your loss and so sorry that you felt that way when people looked at you. I lost my baby IN a hospital. Its amazing how uneducated on the subject people are. I am so glad your views on it arent gone but completly understandable if you do choose a hospital birth next.
Thank you, Lee. I’m so sorry for your loss. xo
I really relate to this. I chose a vba3c for Freddie. I knew the risks and I knew they were slight. I didn’t rupture, I was monitored, he seemed fine, there was no meconium, no heartbeat drop, no signs of distress. No obvious cord trauma even. But he was critically low on oxygen when he was born and didn’t breathe. Even though nothing adds up to it being purely birth related I know people wonder. Because I wonder too.
Oh, Merry, I’m so sorry for your loss. We will always wonder. Sending you hugs. xo
Dejah, you also are not alone, though my daughter was born at home, the complications that arose following her birth were devastating and I came home without my daughter too, to the room that she was born in, with everything there… but her. I have also seen the ugly face of homebirth advocacy that wants to make us the exception, and an excusable exception. Thank you for sharing so eloquently.
Lisa, I’m so sorry for the loss of your daughter. I know the pain of seeing a room differently than others, of knowing what exactly is missing. Sending you hugs and love today. xo
I went to your blog, our girls were just days apart. Miranda was born on September 29, 2011. <3 I hope they've met.
I have no doubt that they are playing together in Heaven right now. <3
Dejah,
Today last year my son Titus died in the last minutes of childbirth at home due to a severe shoulder dystocia.
He was stuck very bad and his chord was being pinched. The midwife could not get him out in time. The ambulance and emt’s were there in minutes but he could not be resesitated. I rarely tell people we had a home birth because in their minds it is my fault. After we lost our son, my own father called and used the words, “I tried to warn you.” I even got a nasty letter from my grandma. People have no idea how this adds to our grief. I blame myself every minute of everyday and I do not need people to add to that burden. I woke up this morning on his first birthday in the bed I labored and gave birth to him in, but never nursed him or held him alive. Thankyou for sharing. I don’t think I would be brave enough to share. I feel like because of the situation of a homebirth my grief somewhat lurks in the shadows more afraid to tell people afraid to expose my broken heart and have it crushed further by people’s judgment.
Sorry for babbling, today is my baby’s birthday and I miss him so desperatly with every piece of my broken heart.
Megan, my heart is just breaking for you. I’m so sorry people said such cruel things to you. I’m thinking of you and little Titus today (I love his name!) and sending you lots of love through cyberspace. xo
Thankyou
Megan, sending love and prayers for peace today on Titus’ birthday. <3 You are loved and thought of and Titus is not forgotten.
Megan
I am so sorry for the loss of your precious baby boy Titus – hope his first birthday party in Heaven is amazing (I hear God throws some pretty awesome parties up there). My angel baby Cameryn should be celebrating his first birthday this month as well. My heart goes out to you I just want to give you a great big hug!!! Dont let anyone ever give you any grief for a homebirth – I have had 7 of them and 2 hospital births as well and homebirths rock!! Most of the time they are far safer and peaceful. Hugs to all who have experienced this loss – it SUCKS!!! And if anyone dares to place blame on you tell them to go **** off
Megan your post made my heart stop…it’s my story as well almost to the last detail…perhaps we can get I touch somehow. You are not alone. I’m so sorry…your words regarding judgement is all too familiar unfortunately… Hugs to you.
I’m so very sorry Sunrise was born still. x
My youngest daughter was born at home after a perfectly normal, robustly healthy pregnancy, and a pretty darn fab labour and delivery, but she collapsed shortly after birth and died in the hospital six hours after she was born.
Everyone involved agreed that she would have died no matter where or how she was born, (and we had an official investigation including detectives and the coroners office.)
Still, though, despite that, there are those that have said that they would never consider a home birth because of what happened to Florence, there are even family members who have mentioned to us how unsafe they thought home birth was. People still think we messed up…I don’t know how to correct them, and I’m hurt and insulted by them.
Florence’s birth was perfect, and it gives me peace to know she was born at home, caught by her Daddy and loved. I just wish it could’ve been for a longer life time. x
Jeannette, thank you for sharing your story. I’m so sorry for the loss of your daughter. It’s hard to know what words to say when people accuse us unfairly. I wish there was a guidebook for situations like this! Wishing you much love and peace today. xo
Dejah,
I have had three planned home births out of 5 full terms pregnancies. These were my first three children. Then we moved states and I didn’t get the same kind choices. My heart aches for your additional pain because most planned home births are done by well educated women who do their homework, read studies, understand the risks and have back up plans for transport as well as emergency back up plans. I have midwife and doula friends who have never had a tragedy befall a client. I still feel that each of my births was more peaceful and safe at home, but the reality is that others don’t feel the same. And it is hurtful and unnecessary for anyone to cast blame to your choice for such a tragedy. My mother just happens to be an L&D nurse and over the past 30 years of practicing has seen many tragic things happen in hospitals as well. Horrible things happen a percentage of times in all births. Horrible things happen at home, in hospital births, at the hands of negligent midwives and obstetricians alike. It is disturbing that anyone could focus on the ‘what if’ of a scenario and try and make some kind of illogical sense from a situation that is senseless. The death of a baby is senseless and the grief of a family is forever. I am so very sorry that you are being made to live this additional hurt on top of everything else. Thank you for so bravely sharing your story!
Thank you for your kind words, Stephanie. Like you, I wish others wouldn’t be so critical of those of us who chose to homebirth. And it’s true, horrible things happen in hospitals too. All women, regardless of where or how they choose to give birth, should be supported unconditionally. xo
Dejah, I really, really appreciate your honesty and your openness in sharing your sweet little girl’s story. My son died—at the hospital—after 27 hours of labor—at almost 41 weeks—even with a 6 minute emergency c-section because of a really rare cord issue we didn’t know about and he lost too much blood and oxygen to survive past the next day. I nearly died because of the blood loss.
I had friends who were homebirth mamas who told me, “You know, I’d recommend a home birth every single day of the week and twice on Sunday…until I saw how Matthew was born. Now, just too risky.”
I would not even CONSIDER a home birth. Fear, mainly..fear, fear, fear of something going wrong and the ‘official’ medical community not being able to save him like I knew they could if something should happen.
But they couldn’t. And while I would never, ever, ever consider a home birth because I am too terrified of blood loss based on my experience, I know so, so many women for whom it’s the best experience ever, and that just makes my heart swell for them. To each, their own, and sweet mama, no judgement here.
In fact, I appreciate you putting a different face—of course people support us—what happened to us was TRAGIC, and should have never happened…whereas for you, as you’ve described, that same level of support is not there because it’s as if you ‘got what you deserved’ for not birthing at a hospital. I am so very sorry for that…I can only imagine how traumatic the ride to the hospital was, and friend, I KNOW what coming home to an empty nursery that’s been sitting and waiting for months is like, so I am heartbroken that on top of that all…the judgement you may get from others comes crashing in.
I just want to hug you. I’m so sorry for your loss…and am so grateful for your voice. Honored to stand with you.
xoxoxoxo
Thank you so, so much, Lori, for your support. It means so much. <3 I'm so sorry for the loss of your son. xo
I can’t imagine the pain of feeling judged and held somehow responsible for your baby’s death. I am so so sorry. Thank you for sharing your story and for getting the word out about home birth!
Thank you, Lauren. xo
Dejah, I am so very sorry for your loss. While homebirth was not an option for me (it is illegal for midwives to attend homebirths in my state), I very much desired a natural birth with my first child, a son, Everett. I read and researched, and decided that avoiding induction was my best choice for avoiding an induction, and to that end, was 40 weeks 5 days when I learned my sweet boy had died inside of me. I felt (and still feel sometimes) so foolish and stupid for letting my pregnancy go so long. I had been so confident in my body’s ability to birth my child; I felt humiliated and like a failure when he died. If I had just induced at 39.5 weeks like so many others do, my boy would probably be here today…
My second child, a daughter this time, was born 11 months after her brother’s death. We induced at 37 weeks. It was the right choice for that pregnancy. If we are ever blessed with another child, I would still like to attempt a natural birth, but I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to (mentally) go to 40 weeks again.
In time, I have learned to let the guilt and wishful thinking go, and to live in this new reality one breath at a time. Thank you for bravely sharing your story.
Jocelyn, I had a c-section with my firstborn, and with my second pregnancy, I felt very pressured into having another one. I was very traumatized by my first c-section, and wanted to avoid another one. So I chose homebirth. After Sunrise died (she was born on her due date, 40 week exactly), I remember being so angry, thinking “If I hadn’t been so stubborn and had just scheduled that c-section, if only I hadn’t tried for a VBAC…”, but my midwife (who I love dearly) said something to me that I think was very wise. She said that yes, I could have had a c-section at 39 weeks. And Sunrise would have been born alive. But, she added, we don’t know why Sunrise died, and it was quite possible that she would have died a week later anyway. Her heart just stopped.
Sometimes people ask me if I could go back in time, if I would still have a homebirth. No, of course not. I’d schedule that c-section, and take my chances. Maybe Sunrise would have died anyway, but I’d want to try. As her mother, I owe it to her. But ultimately, it’s easy to make decisions in retrospect, and I’ve learned not to be too hard on myself.
I’m sorry for the loss of Everett. Please don’t feel guilty. We’re only human and make the best decisions we can under the circumstances. You wanted to give Everett the best start in life by having a natural birth. Much love to you xoxo
Dejah, thank you so much for sharing Sunrise’s story. We planned a homebirth with our son, Marcellus. But instead he was very unexpectedly born at 28 weeks via c-section and passed away 12 days later. Many people don’t understand that on top of grieving my son, I am grieving the homebirth I never got. That I will probably never get. And yes, in the scheme of things sometimes it seems even silly to me that I would care about where he was born when he’s not even here. But I do. I grieve that beautiful experience I envisioned I’d have with him. Some days I do question my decision, and have the what ifs. If we were with an OB practice would they have seen the signs of premature labor? The answer is, no they wouldn’t have. It happened so fast. I do believe my midwife still played a very important role that day and helped us get to the hospital before Marcellus was born. She helped give us the 12 most precious days of our lives. (you can read his birth story here http://mommyandmarcellus.blogspot.com/2012/02/birth-story.html). Thank you again for this article, I am so sorry for your loss of Sunrise and the beautiful homebirth you planned on. *hugs*
Morgan–I wanted very badly to grieve the birth too but for a long time felt like i wasn’t “allowed” to. I’ve since learned to allow myself to grieve whatever I want.
Thank you for your words and for grieving the shared loss of our children as well as the birth experiences we wish we’d had. xo
I think it’s ridiculously horrible that someone would EVER blame you for the death of your daughter. I’m so sad that people don’t know how to support and love one another without judgment. I’m sorry for your loss, and thank you for sharing your story.
Thank you. xo
Stillbirth can happen to ANYONE, no matter where you’ve planned to have your baby. We had a perfect pregnancy. At 36 weeks there suddenly was no heartbeat, and our son was born still. I think any mom will always ask if they did something wrong, or if they’d done something different, would their child be alive. And those questions will still be there no matter where or how they planned to have their baby. I am so sorry for your loss.
Thank you, Tannis. xo
Can I just say your story together with the above comments are so heart breaking it is hard to even find the right words to say if ever they exist. As a mother I have so many questions about things I could have done better and decisions I question myself about for my daughter who thankfully is alive. I cannot begin to imagine the mental torture you mommas are going through. And no, you cannot blame yourself for what happened. It wasn’t your fault. Every decision you make for your child during pregnancy, during labour and after birth, you make it with the view that it is the best decision for yourself and your child and therefore you should never ever blame yourself or accept attacks from other people. Please to whoever reads my reply, listen to the song ‘It is well with my soul’. It was written by a man who had just experienced such a horrific tragedy, his surname is Horatio. I ask you to look up his story and listen to the words of his song. I hope the meaning of those words will comfort you and your families through this difficult time. It is the devil’s delight to see us suffer in anguish, blaming ourselves for things that were beyond our control but that is not what God wants for us. He is the author and finisher of life and He knows why some things happen. I hope you can find peace in knowing that It is well. Big hugs to you
Esther
Esther, thank you for your kind words. I’ve never heard that song before but I’ll look for it; it sounds beautiful. Much love to you. xo
I had tears in my eyes reading this post… I would have chosen a home birth with my pregnancy with Finley, but my hubby and I decided that what would be a compromise between the hospital birth he felt comfortable with was a birthing centre birth. I remember the devastation of getting to hospital with meconium in my waters, and being told I could not stay in the birth centre, or have a water birth. My hubby was sent home and I was admitted. Things gradually got worse, and after a few hours Finley’s heart rate dropped. It wasn’t acted upon very quickly and Finley died minutes before the emergency c section and could not be brought back. I was in hospital, I was on monitors and I had the same outcome you did. Wishing you peace, and the knowledge that you could have done nothing differently.
Mel, thank you for sharing your story. I’m so sorry for your loss. xoxo
Dejah,
I visited your blog today and read about beautiful Sunrise. Somehow, I missed this article when you wrote it but I wanted to comment. My Emma is my only vaginally birthed child. I planned a hba2c with her (and did have a vba2c after transferring to the hospital in the later stage s of labour – not for an emergency. There was no emergency. She slipped away very quietly and we only knew AFTER she was birthed). She was a due date baby too. Do I feel guilt? Of course. Do I regret the choice to vaginally birth her? Yes … and no. I had a planned section at 38 weeks with my subsequent baby. I was in no mental state to try another labour and yet, as Merry said of her own experience, there is no reason to think that Emma’s death was attibutable to her labour. Yes she died during labour but did she die *because* of labour? We don’t know. I had a sense that she was not mine to keeo throughout my pregnancy (I sobbed on my husband’s shoulder when I was 29 weeks, telling him that our baby was going to be stillborn). But I thin the same as your midwife. I think that I could have had her at 39 weeks via planned section and I would have lost her to SIDS or something else after that. I can’t probe that scientifically of course but my instincts were good through her pregnancy and I choose to trust them now too. So, I still support homebirth. I still support birth and I still feel sad that the birth I planned for my daughter did not work out for either of us. I have had very few people try to pass judgement – perhaps because I’m quite belligerent and would set them “right”, if they commented. I am sorry that you have had to contend with people adding to and deepening your grief with their ignorance.
I am also sorry for the appalling typos in this comment. For some reason, I can’t edit it at all so I hope it is comprehensible!
Love and light and blessings, Dejah. Thank you for writing this.
Jill, thank you so much for sharing your story with me. I’m so sorry for your loss. Not knowing exactly the cause of Sunrise’s death makes it hard for me to talk about with other people; I feel they need/want an answer and I have none to give.
Thank you for the love and support! xoxo
Oh my gosh, Jill. I was reading through all the posts, trying to articulate the proper reply to dejah, and I read when you said “I had a sense that she was not mine to keep throughout the pregnancy”………………….that is exactly how I felt. I couldnt explain it to anyone. Joaquim was my 4th baby. my 4th homebirth. I had confidently had unassisted homebirths with all my other babies, I was well educated and had done all my homework and had all the back up plans. But this time it felt different. I was petrified. His birth was perfect, he was born into his daddy arms and surrounded immediatly by his siblings. His story is here :www. phoenixfloating.blogspot.com. On his third day he developed phnemonia and sepsis, and was rushed to NICU, I was told by the Dr that my carelessness in labour had resulted in a near drwoning experince and that my baby was braindamaged. That was all not true. Joaquim was only submerged for 30 seconds before he was birthed completely, and I took the birth vidoe to the hospital to prove this to them. They then tried to blame his illness on my choise not to vaccinate, or use antibiotics in pregnancy, etc. But the judgements continued. To cut my sad srtory short, Joaquim passed away from Infant Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia 2 months later. It had nothing to do with the homebirth. I know a lot of people still question my choices, and I even do sometimes. Loosing a child throws your world upside down and leaves you questioning every detail of your life.
Dejah, I am so very sorry for your loss, and the judgmental words, I hope that time has helped to heal those relationships? I am still a proud advocate of homebirths, and I mourn your loss tonight. All my love in loss, Sam
Dejah,
I’m so sorry for your loss. I was that homebirth mom last June. My little Joseph ended up being stillborn at the hospital, but everything (including the birthing tub) was all ready to go here at home. No one knows why he died. He was beautiful. We did what we believed was best. I wouldn’t change that. I sincerely doubt it would’ve been different even if I was under an ob’s care. But here we are.
Leah, I’m so sorry for the loss of your beautiful son. I remember coming home from the hospital and seeing the birthing tub–all set up and ready to go– and feeling my heart sink. Thank you for sharing your story. xoxo