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I lost all faith in the universe the day we lost her.
My happy little life shattered in an instant. Instead of the universe rewarding us with our first daughter and the start of a growing family, she left us with a vacant womb, empty arms, and a broken heart. I questioned everything I knew about the universe the day our Bella Rose was stillborn at 20 weeks pregnant. Why was Bella so sick? What did I do to make this happen to us? And most importantly, will it happen again? I cried out for answers but was given dark paths to travel, a river of tears to shed, and a universe that left me feeling exhausted, empty, and alone.
But somehow I was still standing.
Still putting one foot in front of the other.
Still plastering a smile of my face in the world and pretending I was ok.
It was all I could do to convince myself that maybe, just maybe the universe still loved me.
Then one brisk autumn afternoon I was walking to clear my head. I plucked a single leaf off the tree, pointed it to the sky, and in that instant I realized the universe was always looking out for me after all. I just had to open myself up to receive her gifts. When I looked up, there was my Bella washing me over with radiant rays of warmth.
And now, the universe continues bringing her to me in the most subtle ways.
Sometimes she speaks to me as she paints the sky the colors of the sunrise.
Other times she whispers my name in the rays of light streaming through the windows.
And every now and then she calls out to me in the golden light radiating from behind the trees and plants.
Light. Bella is my guiding light.
And now, even if I’ve been denied the ability to hold her in my arms, I can still keep her close to me. I have found her in the little gifts the universe leaves me. I just have to open my heart up to receive them.
Today let’s explore opening ourselves up and allowing the universe to speak to us in beautiful ways.
Is there a symbol in nature that brings you peace? Makes you feel closer to your angel? Dragonflies? Angels? Trees? Flowers? Butterflies? Light? Or is there a color that calms you? A hue that brings you a bit of tranquility? Let’s grab a camera and photograph these things. Capture the sweet reminders that the universe does still hold you in her heart, that there are still gifts out there waiting just for you. Open yourself up to receive them, and get ready to capture their beauty.
After you’re done, I encourage you to create a tranquility space in your home. Paper Coterie has some beautiful options for you to get these images off your camera and begin creating your own peaceful spot. Here are some of my ideas on how to make this space work for you:
1) Print your images poster size and and hang them up on the wall. Go to your tranquility space and look at them when you need a reminders of perspective, balance, and peace.
2) Use your images on the cover of a journal. Go to this space to unwind and write your thoughts.
3) Create a calendar filled with your inspirational images. Place it in this space and allow it to leave a smile on your face each time to look at it.
4) Use your images on a memory box where you can store precious reminders of this time in your life.
In the comments below I’d love it if you’d please share with me and with each other how the universe brings you gifts of peace and healing during these turbulent times. What symbols or colors do you gravitate towards most? Have you snapped photos of theses things? Feel free to share today in images or words.
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About Beryl
So many signs… I see them all over. 9:19 is my official Charlie kiss and 9 times out of 10, I look at my phone at that exact time. I even managed to do it on his birthday Monday. But so many other things… more than I can count!
What a unique sign. I love it. You should take a picture at that time everyday for a month. What a beautiful collage you could create of images that remind you of Charlie’s time!
My biggest sign is the moon. Whenever I go outside at night I have to find it. When my husband and I went on vacation after our loss, the moon was a smiley face. It was as if Corbin approved. There have also been times where it’s cloudy out and you can’t really see the moon but it will peak out of the clouds just long enough for me to see it. I’ve taken many pictures of the moon.
You have some beautiful pictures. Thank you for sharing them with us.
Thank you so much for the kind words! I love that the mood is your sign and that you have taken time to photograph it. The moon can be tricky to capture with a camera.
I dont how to capture it but mine is the breeze, I know its My Baby Boy blowing me sweet kisses from Heaven and once I feel the breeze I immediately feel at peace
I have visions of you in a beautiful self-portrait with the windy whipping your hair all around your face, feeling the breeze of your beautiful boy. I love this sign that he is with you, thank you so much for sharing. xo.
I have visions of you in a beautiful self-portrait with the wind whipping your hair all around your face – feeling the breeze of your beautiful boy. I love this sign that he is with you, thank you so much for sharing. xo.
For me, it’s rainbows, white moths, and the color red. I’ve managed to catch two gorgeous rainbows on camera sent from Corbin ( great name Jessica!) the most recent rainbow was simply amazing. It was the brightest rainbow I’ve ever seen anywhere, it makes me smile every time I think of it: http://life-afterloss.blogspot.com/2012/05/heaven-sent.html.
I follow your blog Beryl, thank you for sharing. XO
Thank you so much for sharing this Ruth. I absolutely adore the rainbow pics. As you may well know since you’ve been a follower – I also love thinking of our babies in color. For me Bella is a warm shade of yellow/gold. xo.
Nature brings me comfort. I see Peyton in butterflies, and sunsets. I hear her blowing through the trees, or feel her smooth skin in seaglass or the petals of flowers. I think this post is absolutely beautiful Beryl.
I love all the places you see Peyton, Kristin! It’s so nice to find comfort in nature and feel close to our babies since they are not here with us. Your comparison to seaglass and their skin is so uniquely perfect too. xo.
Beautiful as always my friend. You have such a gift with words and encouragement in your images. I feel Amelia in the sunshine and the smiles of my children.
Thanks for stopping by friend! I love that you feel Amelia in the smiles of your living children. I totally feel that way about Brielle too. xo.
Ladybugs are our comfort…. so many wonderful and profound visits. Nicholas is always around….
Oh wow! We’ve had so many ladybugs visit us this Spring at our house. I hope you are able to find one of your ladybug visitors and capture them in a photo that you can proudly display in your home. xo.
There is a flower known as Sweet William, which is a constant reminder of my William. This year was my first Mother’s Day – only two months after William’s death. In some old flower pots left by the previous owners of our house, Sweet Williams were blooming. Most Sweet Williams are annuals, meaning they don’t come up again after they’ve died, but these had been dormant in a pot for over two years.
I’ve brought them in the house and potted them and keep them in a sunny window. I feel like that was William giving me a gift on Mother’s Day.
I just googled Sweet William and I totally have a BEAUTIFUL photo that I took of one about 3 years ago: http://www.flickr.com/photos/berylayn/3563868373/in/set-72157618708194299 I’m glad you have that sweet reminder of your William sitting in your home to brighten each day. xo.
Thanks for sharing that beautiful photo, Beryl. I haven’t photographed the surprise flowers I found on Mother’s Day, but here is a photo of the ones we planted in William’s memory garden.
https://sphotos.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/578317_684268040816_161501407_33669113_1036377810_n.jpg
Swallowtail Butterflies. One blue and black the other yellow and black. My 4th son passed away at 19month old. Two yrs later I was faced with my 5th child in end of life at 18months old. A few months before he passed away a black and blue swallowtail would fly around our deck all day. It would land on our plants, let it get close to it. Let our dogs be nose to wing with it. And it just hung around. On the day before my 5th son passed away he was asleep on the couch. His twin was in for a nap, it was just me and my thoughts. I was outside and sure enough here comes my butterfly. But this tine I noticed it flying erratically. Making circles around me. I sat still just watching…smiling. After about 20mins of this it few away. I went back into the house and was overwhelmed by the smell of my 4th son who had passed away 2yrs earlier. I had not been greeted by his smell in over a yr and when I had smelled him in the past it was only upon entering his bedroom. This time I was in the living room. His bedroom door
was closed. I knew he was coming to get his younger brother. My son passed away the next day…20min after the exact time his
older brother passed away. We were heartbroken as you could imagine. The next day we where sitting outside on the deck and who shows up but my black and blue swollowtail, but this time he had a beautiful friend with him…a yellow and black swollowtail. And they fluttered around us and the plant, once again letting us get close to them. And then flew away. All summer ling these two butterflies were always together when they came to visit us. I am able to smile, I am able to get up in the morning knowing maybe Ill see the butterflies…for now thats the only way I can see my boys.
Danielle, your story breaks my heart but also warms my heart.
This is such a hauntingly beautiful story Danielle. Thanks you so much for sharing it. I can feel your boys there with you through those butterflies. xo.
Everything beautiful reminds me of her. Life is illuminated in a new way. that is my daughter Angel’s gift to me. The main things that make me think of her are butterflies, roses, sunsets, clouds, the ocean.
thank you for this amazing post! so inspiring.
Roses are another biggie for me where I feel my babies. Thanks so stopping by and sharing. xo.
I find comfort in finding heart shapes in nature. Heart shapes rocks while on a hike, or at the beach, and even a heart shaped piece of egg shell on the sidewalk are little messages from our son Henry who we lost at 40 weeks. Hearing frogs sing also gives me comfort as our angel was born on Leap Day 2012. It is so lovely to see how the beauty of this uncaring universe can still provide some comfort to us all.
What a neat way to find comfort. I used to love staring at the sky and looking that the clouds when I was younger. You’ve inspired me to be more mindful and stop to look for those magical shapes once again. Thank you. xo.
What a beautiful post… For me, it’s the stars. I look up at them and feel close to him somehow.
I love nights when the stars are clear enough to be seen. That is definitely another beautiful way to find our babies near to us. xo.
My clearest message came with the birth of my daughter at 6:13 from her angel brother, born on 6/13. It was a message giving me permission to love her without reservation. I love you Griffin, and always will.
What a neat message Cathy. I am sure your angel was there with you that day your daughter was born. xo.
I see Logan in everything – the flowers that bloom outside my front door, my rose bushes, even my handsome husband’s eyes. I have 2 signs that always stick out though – 10:28 or the number 28 (He was born on 10/28 and ever since when I look at the clock it’s almost always on 28), and pennies on heads. I found the poem “Pennies from Heaven” shortly after Logan died. Ever since, when I least expect it and often when I need it most, I’ll find a penny on heads in the most random places — just outside my car (it wasn’t there before!), walking through a store, everywhere! Everytime I find one I know it’s a kiss from Logan, a reminder that he’s watching over us, that he’s never far from me.
Thank you for your words, Beryl.